Jumpy!

Jacob likes to play a little game on the bed.

To play, you must stand at the foot of the bed. (My goodness, does that boy not have the most beautiful lips and eyes?)

Say "SET! GO!" in the squeakiest, most earnest little boy voice.

Fall back.

Return to the foot of the bed as quickly as possible. Repeat!

Sometimes, when he's not steady enough, he is known to slip off the edge of the bed. This is very distressing and ends with many tears and probably a sneaky hand down my shirt. Booboos are his only comfort. Ironically, more often than not, that little trick earns him a spanking.

Give it up, boy wonder. You had them for 19 months. I've reclaimed them.

*Also, please excuse my mismatched pillowcases and bedsheets. I have a real problem with buying sets at Target but nothing ever matches. I'm working on it! I made pillowcases yesterday...that don't match...oh dear...

I Have A Problem

I'm a tad bit addicted to making these market bags:

The pattern for the grocery bags says to use two different cotton prints but I've lined mine with burlap! It's perfect for toting dusty carrots, muddy lettuce, and skin flaking onions.

Technically, they aren't all for me. I'm selling two of them to women at the library.

They are quick and easy to make, and much cheaper when you use burlap instead of cotton!

My favorite is the Pear fabric on White!

A Few Things

Things that make me happy:

New rugs to replace old, stained stinky ones.

Thunderstorms, but not when they knock out the power.

Only having to take care of one dog. Puppies are obnoxious. I'll take Hunter over a new puppy any day.

Committing to working out again. Starting the Couch to 5K program tomorrow AND I have a workout partner!

Selling my market bags to people. It's nice to make things that people want to buy!

Free jewelry! My friend asked me to watch her 2 year old all day on Saturday. We all survived and no one was reduced to tears so she gave me a gift certificate to her jewelry.

My birthday is in ONE week, and my mom already surprised me with a beautiful handmade rug from the Farmer's Market that I have been coveting.

Art Work

What is it about my son and pens? I can't even hand him a marker or the mess would be overwhelming. Usually he gets a pen and scribbles all over both legs and then moves to his elbows. For a while there were crayon scribbles all over the tables in our living room and at least one spot on the wall by the stairs. Those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers really work! Although, I think it took a little bit of the table off as well!

He did write on the lid of my laptop once and I'm yet to get it all the way off. However, that doesn't compare to what he did to it last night. He was sitting on my lap, and took a drink of water from my water bottle and proceeded to spray it out of his mouth directly onto my open laptop. BIG TROUBLE, MISTER. Subsequent spanking and sitting on the couch did not make little boy happy. But when I told him he could get up, he walked over to me, gave me a hug and said "saw-wy." I guess I'm teaching him something, yes?

WAHM

I worked THREE full days last week. All day long, from 8 to 5. I didn't really get to step away from the office much since if the phone rings, I can't hear it in other parts of the house. Jacob left in the mornings after he woke up, and by Day Three he was not happy. No, he cried and yelled and reached out for me as he left the house. Of course, he was perfectly happy a little bit later but I'm paying the price for that now! He won't let me leave the room without him. In the mornings, he used to watch cartoons while I played online or sewed. Now I have to sit with him while he watches Sesame Street. Or I might just slip out on him? Baby minds are a funny place.

Working 30 hours in one week is something I haven't done since before Jacob was born. And 9 hour days are LOOONG. It was rather quiet but for the most part I was able to handle everything that came my way. There were only a few phone calls for help on my end! I only had about a week of learning how we do things before I was sent out on my own. My job is made so much easier by the fact that we have a one year warranty. I was worried I would have angry mommy emails all the time but we just make everyone happy.

Also, since I do not know many people with children who cloth diaper, I am blown away by the amount of people who do! It's incredible. Disposable diapers are very convenient, take just a little less work, and allow for fewer diaper changes. But they take 500 years to decompose, are full of chemicals, and cannot compare in the cute butt factor. I wish everyone would use cloth. I know I can be as wasteful as the next person but I'm getting to the point where I want to be a lot more green. I hate the plastic bags I come home from the store with, and yet I always forget to bring my green bags to the store. I want to recycle and compost! But my dogs would eat the compost and I don't know if we even have recycling in this small town.

So I'll just do a small part by using cloth diapers and figure out a way to keep a compost bin safe from sneaky dogs.

Family Tradition

On Sunday, we went to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo (for the second time this year) and Jacob had a much better experience! The first time we went in the afternoon, and he only had a 20 minute nap. This time, we went before naptime and he was so much happier and easier to deal with. There was no barricading himself in to the little hut outside the otter exhibit when we asked him to go see the next animals, for one.

Jayden hurt her foot outside the wolf exhibit and sat down to cry and pick at the cut on her foot while refusing to let anyone see it. When Jacob realized she was upset, he ran up to her, tugging at her hand as he said "Wha wong? Wha wong?" and puckering up his lips to give her a kiss. She allowed him to hug her and then he ran off to play in a little wolf den, happy as a clam.

He also shouted "gaff! GAFF! GAFF" as he held out a giraffe cracker for ten minutes while none of them ate any. But he was certainly persistent!

500

This is it. The 500th post here at Hunter's Prize. Coincides nicely with Hunter turning 5 this year, not that I planned that in ANY way.

I'm only posting because my mom told me too.

Things have been hectic but I'm not reallysure why. I think it's because my family was here for a while and that always seems to keep one busy, between driving back and forth and visiting. Jacob, Jayden, and Carter all got to sit on the neighbor's horse but we forgot to get the camera so we have no photographic evidence that they were all together at one time. It's sad that I will probably never know my nephew as well as I know JBelle, but maybe not. I certainly enjoy my aunts and uncles that I rarely got to see. Although, I always wished my cousins were closer and I do want that for Jacob.

I made jam again, this time apricot butI didn't follow the David Lebowitz recipe and it never set. It's still delicious! Maybe next year I will reach a happy medium between rolling off your toast and running down your arm. Sometimes I feel like I'm preparing myself for the possibility that our easy, sweat free, labor free world is going to come crashing down and I will have to know how to make jam and wash diapers and sew my own clothing.

But maybe if it does, I'll at least have a skill.

Blogging On Demand

I wish I would have thought to do this when Jacob was a baby.

I'm currently waiting for my floors to dry, so I'm rather confined to the chair at the moment. I used two rags to slide over here from the other room and I am pretty sure they will be dry in a few hours. There was a lot of water on the floor. I think my mop is broken.

Also, I can't change the channel unless I glide across the floor so I'm watching an infomercial about baseball? And medicine?

ALSO, I should be taking a nap because I have no idea why I am mopping floors with a hangover. I even went to a playdate at 9:30 this morning.

CS and I went out with some friends for dinner, followed by a trip to the bar for karaoke. It was a lot of fun, although I need to remember how much I can drink and stop going over that limit. But it's been about three years since I spent any time at a bar so I don't really have an opportunity to indulge. CS and I did our signature duet, Summer Lovin'. I didn't even have to force him, he filled out the slip and didn't tell me. It's fun to be young, carefree, and employed again!

Jacob did NOT have a good night without me, and I am wavering between being very happy that I was already asleep when CS's parents started texting me about Jacob being up. I am sad for him but I would not have been happy to take care of him, especially if he woke up before 8 AM. As it was, he was awake from 2 until 4 and slept until 9 this morning. Boy wonder is not quite ready for sleepovers at Papa's house.

So instead of laying around, I am washing rugs(someone's neglected dog is PEEING on my carpet, and it's not my dog!), laundry, mopping, and cleaning up. A

Adulthood is lame, ya'll!

Shop Notes

I've been a little bit busy, between working, swim lessons, and making things for my Etsy shop. Here are a few things I've recently listed.

Crayons Rolls. Perfect for back to school!

Market bags for trips to the Farmer's Market. I got a huge bunch of basil this week and finally learned how to make pesto.

Decorative pillows with minky backing. I've not let JBelle see these or I would never get to list them. She loves the minky fabric!

What To Do With Boys: A Lesson

If I had a girl baby, she would be in this dress. I know. I KNOW! It's a problem. I'm sorry, I can't help myself. He's just so willing to do anything I ask. I needed someone to wear it while I pinned the straps in place. He kept saying "cute" after I put it on him and pinned it, that I just had to let him run around for a few minutes.

I'm sure none of this would be happening, nor would I have dresses my brothers like girls, had I gotten my fill as a big sister to a little sister. Ok, I'd probably still do this.

But can you blame me?

Almost Two

My baby in the mornings.

Eating Cheerios from the butter dish.

Drinking "mulk" from a real cup.

Sometimes I look at his baby pictures and I can't reconcile that the baby in those photos is the boy I have now. I thought things were so much fun then but he is so much more now. This evening, I caught him alone on my bed. He stands at the edge, saying "ready, jump" and throws his whole body backward on to the bed. Over and over, laughing at himself. He calls me in to watch, "MOM. MOM!"

Sometimes he calls me Mommy. When he's climbing into my lap as I sit on the steps outside, reading while he fills up a bucket of water to throw at me, "Mommy". His aim is way too good.

He tells the dogs to "lay down. NOW!" Just like me. I catch him and Newt, the dog we are watching for a few weeks, playing on the bed together. Jacob in only a teeshirt, draped over the puppy who is not allowed in bed.

He loves hummus and pita chips, pear cups, and homemade pizza. Spaghetti and blueberry waffles with syrup and whipped cream. He eats stale Goldfish, bags of white cheddar popcorn, and dry roasted peanuts. Edemame and pot stickers with me at lunch before I go to work.

Sometimes I dress him, but mostly he's just in a diaper and a shirt. We go to swimming lessons every morning. He jumped off the diving board the first time we went, no fear. Now he's afraid of getting splashed when he jumps so he won't go anymore. But I know he was fearless first. I plugged his nose today and took him under with me.

I carry him still, but today he was too heavy. He's growing up.

I can't wait.

Green Things

I didn't get to cook these, we left for Blue Mesa the next day. But they were so pretty, and I'm sure they would have been delicious. It's a lot of work to shuck peas! I just kept remembering how things would have been done "way back when." There were no grocery stores with frozen packages of peas. I live a pampered spoiled life, even in poverty, and I really hope the world doesn't fall apart and we have to go back to hunting and gathering.

Camping

How many people does it take to put up a tent?

There is no need for pants when you have on cute cloth diapers.

Relaxing with dada. Probably trying to convince him that he needs a cup for tea, since Mama said no more after the first night when he tossed and turned and fell straight off the bed.

Another Quilt

This one is for my mom. She picked out the Luna Moth fabric and I picked out the rest.

I really love the binding for this one. So bright! I used the extra material to make a little half curtain for my bathroom window. The blue doesn't quite match the tile and that makes me sad. But the curtain is cute! I really love the bright pink dandelion fabric, makes me wish I used these colors for my quilt!

Churries!

I was a very busy bee last week. The sour cherry tree in the backyard was ripe and loaded with shiny red globes. The birds were unaware that such a bounty was waiting for them so I had to pick quickly or I would lose.

I'm pretty sure I won. They picked it clean a few days after I finished. I couldn't get the cherries on the top of the tree, but there were plenty I could reach.

Then I searched for a jam recipe and found this. I made two batches and ended up with over ten jars and two rubbermaid containers. I probably should have blended the cherries to make a smoother jam, mine is a little chunky but it's still delicious.

Compassion

Whomever said that Internet is an asshole has clearly not read the comments on this post.

It's so nice to see strangers doing something great for a family in need.

CS and I went to Blue Mesa last weekend. Jacob almost prevented us from going by getting a 100 degree fever Thursday, but it only lasted about 24 hours. It was a sad day for little man. I gave him Tylenol and cuddled him. He took three naps and ate almost nothing. It was sad to watch my bouncing baby defeated and mopey. Friday morning he was better so we decided to head out after his nap. Luckily, he was still sick or the three hour car ride would have been misery. As it was, he only made it to Monarch Pass before the fever, the car ride, and the altitude made him throw up all over himself as we were coming down the pass. It was gross. I'm glad he'd only had juice and a few french fries and not the hamburger I tried to feed him. It didn't help that when CS and Jacob got out of the car to clean up, mosquitos decided to attack and eat them alive.

We stayed in a little cabin at the "resort" and did a whole lot of nothing. We took the 4-wheelers out once, but I almost tipped mine coming back down. I thought it was in Low and it was in High so I couldn't stop. I started screaming and putting all my weight into the brake. I got it to stop but I let CS drive it down the rest of the hill while I walked with Jacob. Next time we will have a lesson before I attempt to go down a hill with sharp, brain crushing rocks all over the place.

There was a pool we could play in and Jacob has learned how to float and swim while wearing water wings. He also attempted to jump off the ledge into my arms and ended up on his bottom on the concrete. We're working on that! But he can swim across the pool without holding on to me so I think we're making progress. Can't wait till next week, when his swim lessons start! Except that I have to get in the pool with him and I really just want to sit and talk to the mom's of older kidlets.

I'll post some pictures of the "camping" but most of them are failed attempts to capture the awesomeness of coals so I may have to spare you that.

Unveiling!

I finally got my act together and set up an Etsy shop. I'm so excited, all my crafting has come to this! The Hunter's Prize Here are a few things I've listed and there are more to come. I've been a busy little seamstress!

My Little Pookiecups

Jacob found one of my shirts and put it on.

He looks like a little Muhammad, right?

Good thing he doesn't have any cleavage or this would be totally inappropriate.

Along The Road To Spring

Why has it taken me years to figure out that I can upload more than one photo at a time? WHY?

Anyway! Last week, I finally got my free motion foot for my new Janome and finished the quilt I started back in February.

I am so happy with it! It's perfectly bright and summery.

The quilting is not perfect by any means. I have uneven stitches and little loops all over the place.

The binding almost gave me arthritis. I insisted on sewing it up in one day, using white thread instead of a pink or green.

But I did it! I even have the quilt for my mom sandwiched and ready to quilt. I just have to work up the desire to do it all over again!

Wireless

The internet was wired to my house this morning. We set it up in Jacob's room, since it's the only place with enough space for a desk. This means that if he is here while I'm working, he will have to nap in our bed but this shouldn't be too much of a problem. I have to say that I'm a little sad to be working from home but only because working at the warehouse has been so much fun. And it's nice dressing in my work clothes that haven't seen daylight since 2007. I'm just happy they fit again!

CS and I are supposed to start the P90X workout program but we need someone to watch the baby while we disappear in the fire station gym for over an hour. The results they promise you will see if you follow the exercise and workout plan are impressive. I could have a nice looking stomach. I will have to give up chocolate. It's probably a mathematical improbability.

I shouldn't complain though. I have been meaning to do a comparison from last summer to this summer. I have a photo of me in my mom's pool last August and I am so much trimmer now. Jillian and stress! Works like a charm.

We have started working on our tans. Last week it was in the 90's almost every day before the weekend rolled in and cooled things down. Now I'm afraid to get back into the water since it's only been in the 80's this week. But cold water doesn't slow this boy down!

Sorry About The Huge Puppy Photo

I'm not sure how many people click over to read this from a reader, I know I never do. I'm waiting for Google to figure out how I can comment on a blog without leaving the page or loading the blog again. Yes, I am that lazy. Anyways, if you do actually come to my URL then sorry for the large puppy photo. It's a lot smaller than the first photo I uploaded. Obviously, I am not very good at this.

But Hunter sure is cute! Not so cute anymore. Just big and dopey and a jealous, jealous whore. Having a baby was hard on him. He was a mama's boy, after all.

So.

New job.

I am totally in love with it. I have no idea how to do anything, really. But I have a week to learn it all. I mean, that's a long time, right? I can handle this. (omg) They are installing the internet here at the house in a week and I will be moving the computer, desk, printer, table and whatever else I need into Jacob's bedroom after the web is hooked up. It's very sad that just when I get used to having a place to go to work, I will be locking myself in a bedroom and working from home. I think I would have loved working at the warehouse with all the people who work there and I'm sad that it's only for two weeks. The warehouse is moving up to Fort Collins and almost everyone is working from home or leaving the business. Plus, I will really miss the cute diapers all over the place.

I keep getting hit with the awesomeness of all of this. I am working for a company that was started a few years ago by a woman I met in the library. The company is growing by leaps and bounds, from a woman making her own diapers to selling them at Target and all over the US. I am so blessed to get to be a part of it. I can't believe that I made one phone call and now I have an opportunity to be a part of a business that will just keep growing. I may only be starting at fifteen hours a week but who knows where it will go from here. I've never been this excited about a job. I've never had a job that offered so much potential for growth. Yes, I did love teaching and I'm not throwing that aside now. But I want to devote myself to this right now and see what can happen. I want to do more than just answer phones, place orders, and customer service issues. I want to see this company grow and become the best in it's field.

Plus, I'm dealing with cloth diapers all day and who can resist the CUTENESS?

I know this wasn't just luck. This was set in place for me and I thank God for it. It's perfect timing and I could not be more blessed.

The other day, I went to the store and picked up some more PJ's for Jacob and I got a huge sense of relief and pride in buying those for him. There was no stress in swiping my card because I know I am able to provide for my family. So while I can't be home with him right now, I am still doing what is best for him. I get it, Mother's Who Work Outside the Home.

Now, if you excuse me, I need to go browse Etsy for some cloth ribbon to use for the crayon rolls I am making.

Ok, Here Are Some Highlights.

I had just written a bullet point post and neglected to copy before pushing Publish and I LOST IT. Stupid spotty internet access in a damn basement.

*I had the procedure to clear up the HPV over a week ago. They used the nitrogren to freeze my cervix for three minutes, twice. It didn't hurt but I could feel the coldness. I'm becoming entirely too comfortable with stirrups and loads of people peering between my legs. I'd like to warn every young person I meet about getting the immunization for HPV because it's not worth it for all the trouble you get without it. I don't have to go back until six months from now and all they will do then is a normal pap smear.

*Jacob is saying dozens of words now. My favorites are wheeze (please) and nuh-urse (nurse). The only down side is that the boy doesn't want to stop. Tonight he kept jabbering away when he was supposed to be rocking with us to sleep. It's just the beginning of the end, I know.

*I finished my quilt. Finally. The hand sewing on the binding about killed my fingers but I did it. It's not perfect by any means but I love it. I'm in the process of making one for my mom so I'll be getting more practice. CS is next on the list, but his will be Bronco themed and I'm not that excited for all that blue and orange.

*I got a job! That should probably be first but I need to go meet with her tomorrow. When I worked at the library, I met a woman who later started a cloth diaper company. The brand is Thirsties, the same kind I used for Jacob. She recently sold the business and she told my mom that they were looking for help. I called on Friday and I gather that she is giving me the job. It's customer service, as well as other office type duties. I get to work from home, although someone will need to be with Jacob when I'm working so he's in the background yelling. I get to use cloth diapers for free! They pay rather well and it seems to be perfect for me.

* I wore a string bikini to the pool. The public pool. I haven't worked out in over a month. I've gained two pounds since my stress diet. That is all.

We Are OWU

Well. I haven't forgotten that I have a blog. Really, I swear. I just got busy and went on an amazing vacation to OHIO and Pennsylvania. I do not feel guilty for enjoying myself!

First up was the reunion back at OWU. I picked CS up at the airport on Thursday and we drove down to Delaware to stay with my friend Emily. She had even gotten a crib mattress for Jacob to sleep on, even though he didn't. I think he fell off it the first night and decided he'd never sleep on that again. We drove down Sandusky and around campus a bit but it was dark and hard to see. I'm impressed with some of the businesses and restaurants that have opened since we left. Though I am still mourning for Hot Potato and Avesta. There is a great bookstore called the Beehive now as well as a sushi place that we didn't go into. The yarn store is gone as well a lot of places I used to browse for gifts. It's beginning to look like a town I would have enjoyed as a college student!

We didn't do much with the reunion events, it's too hard with a baby. But we did go to the Greek reception where Kappa totally won with representation. As well as the dinner for the Class of 2005 and Jacob and I went to the TAP breakfast on the stage. I'm very grateful for CS's presence as he watched Jacob so I could mingle and chat at the events. The class of 2005 dinner was probably not the best place to bring him but that's only because they said we'd eat at 6:30 then made us wait till 7:30 before eating. So Jacob sat in a back booth of the HamWil cafe and shrieked "DADA" every five seconds and giggled like a maniac when we said shh. He also interrupted Sally during her welcome speech, that kid has perfect comedic timing.

The highlight had to be Saturday when we took Jacob over to the Flaglor's house and left him for the evening. He loved their house and didn't even notice us walking out the door, so enthralled with a bucket of blocks and toys he found. We went straight to the bar. For old times sake, I ordered vodka cranberry and marveled about the fact that they serve drinks in glasses, not plastic cups. The bar I worked in was not so nice. Does anyone remember the twins who played tennis, or something like that? They were there and they handed CS a card with the numbers 1,2,3,4 on it and told me to pick a number. I picked 3, which makes me a sex maniac. Apparently. I convinced Sally to do a shot with me, even though she said that she should take it easy that night. We brought out the cameras and you can see all that on my Facebook. There is even a good one of me and CS that I might have to print out and put in a frame. He hates posing with me so I take what I can get. We left and collected our sleepy baby, who had fallen asleep before Lori could get his diaper changed and pajama's on. I call that SUCCESS!

CS and I made a trip out to Easton to see Sally and her mom and grandma, as well as visit Trader Joe's for cheese crunchies and an aloe drink only they sell. Someday Colorado will get with the program and demand that we get a Trader Joe's. It was good to see Sally's family, it's been a long time!

*I've been sitting on this post for days so I'm ending it here and will think of new things to tell you about my trip to PA. Followed by the procedure where they froze my cervix over. FUN TIMES.

Bullet Points Before Bed

*I got fabric today. I have a quilt to make for my mom. Never mind the fact that MY quilt isn't finished and I can't get the quilting part down. I think I have to take mine back and get a different one, I'm pretty sure what it's doing isn't normal.

*I made cookies yesterday and somehow the oven that's never warm enough burnt a whole pan of them.

*CS's brother made a snide comment on Facebook about how hard it is to see a dirty pan sitting out when it needs to be cleaned so he was going to put it into his bedroom and store it with the knives that we are no longer allowed to use. I'm refraining from commenting back about the linguine and sauce he left sitting on the counter for a few days because that's just bitchy. But I will be going to the storage unit tomorrow and getting my own pots and pans and knives out. Which I will then leave on the counter, dirty and taking up space for at least three days.

*CS and I went geocaching today and it was oddly exciting. It seems like it's a nerdy thing to do, but really it's not. We are looking for treasure! And today, we found two matchbox cars for Jacob. That's some pretty sparkly treasure right there. One car was a Mercedes! Score! (However, I suck at reading coordinates)

*I'm leaving for Ohio in a week and I'm getting very nervous. I wish CS could come with me, because I'm sad he doesn't get to meet everyone and I'm a little terrified to leave him. Things have been really good and there is no reason for me to think that he will do anything I wouldn't approve of but I'm nearly incapacitated over it sometimes. I've always had a hard time leaving him, mostly because I worried he wouldn't be able to take care of himself and the dog but now I have the added stress of wondering if he's going to be at the bar and after the bar, will he go home and what if she texts him? It's hard and I hate how i feel. I wish I could lock my emotions into a part of my brain and not revisit them but I am not like that. I feel everything.

*I have an interview with the principal of the middle school for a teaching position for 7th grade language arts. I am worried because I have to describe my perfect classroom and explain my ideas and policies. I have no idea if they will even consider me without a certificate but I'm going to try. I have to get a few letters of recommendation and I think that will be tricky since the Hobbs teachers are probably trying to deal with their end of the year stress and asking for a letter as soon as possible isn't very nice. I knew I should have asked before I left New Mexico.

*Jacob is getting his second two year molar. Maybe this explains some of his crab claw-ness. He also cried for two hours in his crib the other night and refused to sleep unless he was next to me. I really didn't think he would be able to cry it out for that long. Boy is stubborn.

Mimic

Things Jacob can say:

Mama
Dada
Juuuice
Pwease (Please)
Oh NO
Oh WOW
Tanks (Thanks)
M'Emma
Tada!
Deedee (Jayden)
wahssh (trash)
Up
Beep beep
Bye bye

Boobfree

In all the drama that's been happening, I believe I forgot to update that I have weaned the baby. It started when my sister in law came to visit at the beginning of April. I nursed Jacob to sleep and when I laid him in the crib, his eyes popped open and he started crying. So I left him in the crib because I needed to help her get the pack and play set up and get my things from the room so she could go to bed. Jacob cried himself to sleep, something I wasn't sure he could actually do. It took about 30 minutes but he wasn't screaming, just sad. But I was at the end of my rope with his neediness toward me. I know he will learn to sleep without touching me, but I have to teach him how to put himself to sleep. He didn't last long in his crib that night, maybe till 1:30 AM but it was a good start.

The next day, I nursed him at naptime and when I felt like my breast was empty, I took him off and placed him in the crib. He only cried for twenty minutes and he was out. I decided then to not let him nurse again. At bedtime, after he repeatedly tried to lead me to the rocking chair and get to the boob himself, I placed him in the crib and closed the door. Then he proceeded to sleep until 7 AM, when I got him and took him back to bed for an hour or so.

I wish I was able to keep up with placing him in the crib at bedtime and naptime so he would learn to put himself to sleep but we've been staying with CS a lot and Jacob's crib is at my mom's house. Luckily, once he realized he would no longer get boob to sleep, he has settled into a routine where all he needs is to be held for a bit. He likes to watch lullabies with Dada before going downstairs to get into bed. Sometimes it only takes him minutes to fall asleep. Usually when daddy does it, as I seem to invoke a spirit of FUN TIMES.

Part of the reason it took me so long to decide to wean him was because I was afraid that he'd stop napping and I would get horribly engorged. I spent the first 6 months of nursing with hard, full breasts and I was not looking forward to a week of discomfort. Luckily, my right side didn't even notice. My left was a little more trouble, I actually let Jacob nurse off the hardness about four days after we quit. I had just showered and he started pointing to them and saying "boobs" and it was a little sore so I let him. Now they are empty and so small. I'm wearing my pre-pregnancy bras and when I lay back the cups are totally empty. It's a sad day for me. My clothes fit so differently, I never noticed how much of a rack I had until it's all gone.

But I hear they grow back, right?

The only thing that I'm trying to get him to stop doing is pushing his hands into my shirt when he's drowsy. He still likes to touch them to go to sleep. This will end soon, as he tries to lift my shirt up in his sleep. Like so many things in parenting, I'm learning that hindsight is 20/20 and I should have kicked the boob habit a long time ago!

Darkness Is Only As Long As The Day

The trouble with passion
Isn't that it doesn't last
But that it does.

I stole this quote years ago from a much larger poem I found on a daily poetry website. I feel that it sums up everything I feel about being in a relationship, especially when one ends and you're left feeling empty and full of longing.

I know the road back to normalcy is going to be long and fraught with much doubt and mistrust and confusion. You can't fix two months of chaos with one beautiful week. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear, but we are only human and never do we do things the easy way. I know everyone is wary of this peace we have made. No one wants to see me get hurt. But I believe that great things can happen. I have faith that there is a chance we can move on from this and become those two old people on a porch swing together.

That's not to say that I don't spend a lot of time in a very dark place. On Thursday we took Jacob to the park and I watched CS and Jacob throw rocks into the river while I sat above them and thought about what I have to overcome. I know too much and there is little peace in knowledge. But there would be more anguish in not knowing, at least in my experience. I am morbidly curious, wanting to know what they talked about, what they did, why, why why? Will I ever be free from the images I see when I close my eyes as he kisses me? Will I ever feel peace when I am not with him, knowing that he is waiting for my return as eagerly as I will await his? Spending time with CS this week has been like a return to the life we had before pregnancy. We went to town on Monday afternoon and had Sonic, sitting in his truck, drinking a malt and stealing tator tots while Jacob played with CS's brother and sister. Later, I found on of her cigarettes in his truck. He threw it out and I was reminded on the very first fight we had. It was over me joking that I may have let his boss's wife smoke in the truck when we went on a beer run. I never would have let her but CS didn't think it was funny and we fought. Silly now, but I remember sobbing over it. So in a very raw moment between CS and me, I hated to find evidence of her. I hate watching my fiancee and our son play together at the park, doing what I always thought having a baby with him would entail but being preoccupied with knowledge of what they did in bed, what she likes, what he did. He was mine and I thought that we were each other's last. I have a ring on my finger to prove it. But I also know that I left him and maybe all of this is what he did because of what I did. You don't leave the man you love if you can't stand to lose him. Maybe as much as I wish he hadn't ever touched her, he wishes I had never packed that first box.

I want to feel more at peace as time goes on. I want to start over and make a family. I want to go to bed together, with our baby tucked between us and put my cold feet under his legs. Jacob has started to prefer Dada, even refusing to let me put him to bed the other night. Dada held him and comforted him when Jacob sprayed his face with bleach and they had to flush it out. And I am the one CS calls and texts. I am the one who sits next to him and we watch clips on YouTube of our favorite comedians and shows on Hulu. I'm wearing his ring and he tells me he loves me. Anything can be overcome with love, would you agree?

Moving (On)

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought about whether or not I should discuss the fact that I gave out my number to the very friendly waiter I had on Friday and the plans we made to go out to lunch someday when he called me on Saturday. I know CS still read this and while I had made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in anyone else, I wasn't going to try and be cruel by taunting him with how I might move on. I had asked him to stop talking to me on Friday afternoon because I was no longer capable of arguing over what I saw versus what he said it meant. It was madness and I just wanted it to stop. We broke up, he didn't want me, I was tired of fighting.

I went to dinner with my friend and our waiter was very nice. He told me that I could let Jacob run around and they would watch him for me. He commented on how hard it is to go to dinner without the other parent present, following up with an "I'm single, so I know" comment. My friend insisted that I leave him my number, whipping out paper and pen and writing him a message so he would know it was "from me" and not her.

He called the next day and we talked. He asked me questions about what I did and how old I was and I answered while thinking about how surreal it was. I was struck with how hard dating seemed and how nice it would be to just get this part out of the way. Just skip the dating and slip right into a relationship. It doesn't work that way, apparently.

Sunday morning, after we got back from church and the kids were playing in the yard, CS texted me and asked if I was still in church. I told him where I was and he responded by asking if my mom was there. I knew then that he wasn't just asking to see Jacob. He called me and for the first few minutes there was silence, broken by me asking if he was there and talking. Finally I shut up. He said he was sorry. Sorry for being the biggest dumbass in the world. That he loved me. All he wants is to be with me, for me to be his girlfriend and fiancee. He said he will be the man that he was when we met, fell in love, and decided to have a baby.

I honestly thought I would never hear any of this from him. Never. At this point, it's the only thing he could do to attempt to win me back. Because, of course, I want to make it work. We have a baby. We have a timeline for another one. We were going to get married. Our future was made with each other in it and we have a baby to think about. We don't just get to walk away and start over.

My Beach Bunny

Jacob,

I promise to take you back to Da Beach.


Watching you at the same beach CS and I took you to when we lived here was like seeing the future and longing for what could have been.


But maybe we have the chance to go back and make what felt right, real.


I'll give everything I have to make our future all it could be, should have been and will be.

The End

I wrote this a few days ago when I didn't know what I was going to do about CS. I've since confronted him and we have ended the relationship. He denies that everything I read on his phone happened. Instead of letting me read them, he repeatedly threw his phone against the wall until it shattered into pieces. A man who has nothing to hide does not destroy his one saving grace.


This is what I know.

I know that Chris and I are trying to work it out. We have been spending most of the days together and a few nights this weekend. We have been intimate. I am wearing my ring again and he says he wants me to, albeit maybe not as an engagement ring. We are affectionate to each other. He won’t say “I love you” but he wants to hear it. He doesn’t know if he’s in love with me. He’s hurt because I left. He has not moved on, he does not want to be with another woman, he has not slept with her. They are just friends and when they talk via text, it’s been about Chris and I. She’s curious about how it’s going with us. They are just friends. They never slept together. She only kissed him once. He didn’t take her to the Fireman’s Ball. They didn’t have their hands all over each other. She is not a skank.

This is what else I know.

He thinks she has nice tits, cute ass, long legs, pretty face and a great sense of humor. He thinks he might be falling in love with her. His reasons for staying in Florence are: her, class, the fire department, his grandma. They’ve talked about him living with her when he has to move out of the house we lived in. He gets jealous when other men flirt with her at the bar. He was jealous again when he saw a text from the other man she’s talking to on the Thursday morning he claimed to be sleeping at a friend’s house. She’ll put her whole self in a relationship with him. She’s waiting for him to make a decision. He wishes he didn’t have to make such a hard choice.


Here is what I don’t understand.

Why is he lying to me? He doesn’t believe that you can love two people at one time. To me it seems simple. Her or me. A life with a local bar skank for a few months or a hard won life with your family. Is it that hard?

Either he will decide to take the easy way out and start over with her or he will have to struggle to make a family with me. If he chooses her, he will lose me and he will lose Jacob. I will not sit by and watch him degrade himself like this and put Jacob through a string of relationships. I will move. I will leave. And I will take my son with me. I believe he knows this. When I first started dating him, it took us three months to say I love you. I do not believe that he has gone from wanting me to be his wife to in love with another woman in six weeks. I believe that I hurt him deeply by leaving and his defense was to find someone else. He knows if he tells me that he slept with her, that I will probably leave him but I’m not sure if I will.

As of now, it is over. I did not make up what I saw. I even showed his mom when I was looking at the phone. He cannot lie to my face that I am making things up. I am not stupid. My father was a cheater and a manipulator, I am not naive in these things. I do not have to make a relationship work when the other side is cultivating a back up plan. I do not share my lover and I do not compete with another woman. I am amazing. I am the best thing he ever had. I do not deserve what I was given in return.