Temple. Peanut, Pimp!

When I started reading the Advice Smackdown by Amalah, I started using Philosophy soon after. I got the Purity wash and the Hope in a Jar to start and noticed a great difference in my face after that. Then I got pregnant and my pretty skin decided to rebel for ten months and then some. For the last few months of my pregnancy, my chin was a constant battle of oozing pimples and sore bumps. I continued to use Philosophy but nothing helped. No matter how long I kept the wash on my face or stood there with hot washcloths pressed to the trouble spots, nothing was helping. I hated it. Not just because it was ugly, but because it hurt! And I couldn't do anything about it because it was completely hormonal. Only now, that my hormones are starting to recede is my face clearing up. But so slowly. Now, instead of huge whiteheaded pimples, I have pimples that turn into blood blisters deep in my skin, leaving dark purple bruise-like spots on my face. It goes really well with the look I'm trying to cultivate. You know, the teenage mom with an unplanned baby. So a little teenage acne goes well with the rest of the picture.

NaBloPoMo is over and I'm glad I did it this year. It gave me a little something to do, generally right before bed but I could have used my time a little more wisely. Or just posted more pictures!

Watching Hunter

Jacob showed an interest in Hunter the other day. However, Hunter was chewing a bone and could care less. I'm more impressed with the fact that 1) I put Jacob on the floor and he was happy and 2) Hunter didn't try to lick or step on Squally Thing.

Day Two

Jacob and I went to CS's families house for Thanksgiving today. CS couldn't be there because he is heading to Ohio today, which is sad because you always want to spend a holiday with your significant other if you're going to their house. It's not awkward, but it's not the same when you don't have that anchor. I suppose you could call Jacob the anchor now, but I regard him as mine so that doesn't work. (You think that's mean to regard him as mine? I don't. I feed him, change him, dress him, comfort him, play with him, generally devote my entire self to him. He is mine. CS is a guest appearance right now, especially with work taking him away.) His family has a tradition of writing out five things that they are thankful for this year and one of his dad's was me. Which is so sweet and somewhat undeserved. I enjoy his family though. Just wish I wasn't doing this alone.

Despite two Thanksgiving dinners, I am still not ready to quit eating. Tomorrow I'm going to have breakfast with my oldest friend and later meet up with old family friends to show off the baby. I'm quite sure food will be involved at all events. Fortunately, I'm breastfeeding and this means I can eat like a horse and still be hungry. It's mostly in the evening that I discover my appetite is enormous and I can probably eat as much as CS. Maybe my body is lacking in nutrition at the end of the day, or I'm not giving it enough to eat during the day. All I know is that I can eat a plateful of food and still go back for more. Hopefully this tapers off when I'm not longer feeding two bodies. I'd like to get thighs that don't rub together and a stomach that's flat and fits into my old jeans without a muffin top. Nothing screams sexy mom like a muffin top. EWWW.

Thankful

For my little boy, who is showing me everyday that little boys make great children.

For CS, who is going away this week because he has to support us.

For Hunter, even though he stinks like bad things right now, he's been a good dog with this whole "squally thing" we're thrown at him.

For my mom, who has gone above and beyond for us right now.

For JBelle, for trying to nurse her baby doll in the car the other afternoon and letting Jacob use her Scooby blanket.

For my good friends, who send puffy vests for Jacob or drop everything to come be there for me.

And for a great day filled with turkey, pumpkin pie with real whipped cream, Battleship, sweet potatoes, Yahtzee, and naps as a family.

BUMMER!

CS is leaving again on Friday. However, this is not the main point of contention on that subject. He's leaving for,GET THIS, freaking Ohio. Pinkerton? Someplace close to Columbus. He asked his boss if I could come along but the insurance for the company wouldn't cover me if anything went wrong so he thought it was a bad idea right now. I'm so bummed. They are driving, so if he would let me, I could totally go. Never mind the fact that Jacob would hate two days in the car, but I could see everyone! Have a meet and greet Jacob! But no, I'll be here. Having Thanksgiving dinner with his family without CS. Another week of just me and Jake. It means less laundry and the bed to myself. But knowing he will be in Ohio, just a short drive away from all of you back there makes for a glum week.

Dear Diary

Dear Economy,

I know you're in a terrible place right now but gosh love you because I filled up my car today for less than twenty dollars and my low fuel light was on so it wasn't like I had some in reserve. Keep up the good work. Maybe now that it doesn't cost a fortune to drive around, I can buy more stuff and help you out a little.


Dear JBelle,

It was adorable when you tried to nurse your baby doll today. You're going to be a great little mama.


Dear Jacob,

When you try and talk to me, I simply cannot resist you. Especially when you throw in those grins for good measure.



Dear Hunter,

Please do not bark at me and Jacob anymore. And I'm sorry we didn't go for a walk today.



Dear Post Partum Acne,

It's been almost three months. Please go away.

Grumpygills

I'm pretty sure that I'm totally against CS's job right now. This is a bad thing for me to express given the fact that we NEED him to have a job or I have to go back to work next month. He cannot quit this job without having a new one to go to immediately. However, I have my reasons.

#1: It takes him away from us.
#2: They don't actually pay that well when he's not away on a job.
#3: He missed his flight because he was called to the jobsite this morning to fix something and when he went to get his boarding pass, the airline charged him $75 that he had to put on MY CARD because the company card didn't work.
#4: He flew into Denver tonight and no one was scheduled to pick him up, nor was a car dropped off for him in advance. So guess who has to go get him? (Not from Denver, I just have to meet him in Colorado Springs because a co-worker is picking him up.)
#5: See above-All Reasons.

I am not aspiring to have buckets full of money like we did in New Mexico when he worked all the time and made a fortune an hour. I don't need a lot of money. It doesn't make me happy. I just save it. Which actually makes me happier than spending it. Anyways. I just want to feel comfortable with what we have. I want a place to live, money to pay the bills and buy the food without worrying that we can't afford that kind of juice or two boxes of cereal. I want to fill up my gas tank and buy a decaf coffee once in a while. I'm not looking to own fancy baby toys or pretty clothes from JCrew. I just don't want to be so damn broke anymore.

Tired

Sometimes, our relationship is so hard. Ovbiously, this is not a novel concept in the history of relationships. It's normal, and probably healthy but it's so damn hard. I can't imagine life without him, especially now that we have this beautiful little boy. Even on the days when I'm so fed up with everything, I start crying when I think about doing it alone. This week was long, I was counting down the days on the day he left. This job is not going to work for us. I can't raise a baby when he's gone for a week every month. I can't have a relationship with someone if we don't have one for a week of the month. Because when he's gone, he's gone. Phone calls are brief, he's to busy to respond to text, time changes, and general lack of conversation is going to ruin us. I moved away from here a year ago to be away from this place. I do not want to raise a baby here. I love being with our families, but that's not what is best for us. It's not best for Jacob. I've been in control of my life for years, ever since I realized how to be my own person. I can be difficult to partner with because I'm strict about money and saving and no more debt. Now my life and my reputation is in his hands, and I don't trust him enough anymore to feel safe there. I'm tired of the power struggle between who's right and who's wrong and waiting for things to be done when I've asked a million times. It's terrible to be in love, and feel alone next to each other in bed. I hate putting the frustration behind me only to have it rear it's head the next day. I carry my share of blame. I don't let things go easily and I get frustrated quickly. I'm not asking for the end, I'm just waiting for a change.

Two Months, Going On Three

Personally, I'm enjoying this newborn phase. I like the two hour naps he takes every other hour. I used to worry that he'd sleep too much and be awake all night, but I have a sleepy boy. He loves his sleep, much like his daddy to my chagrin. Mostly I love naps because it means that I no longer have to hold him while he fights sleep and whines about it. He's getting better about being put down and looking at the toys I place around him. But going to sleep on his own is often a fight between him and sleep. Holding him seems to convince him that yes, he is tired. Unlike his cousin, he cannot fake sleep.
















He's on the verge of real baby laughs. Last night, right after he started crying for no reason, my mom took all his clothes off and let him be naked on the floor. She was blowing air on his stomach and then she started tickling his sides with her fingers and my sensitive little boy almost started belly laughing. Especially when she got up to his armpits. I can't wait for those laughs. On the other hand, CS is waiting for him to be big enough to toss into the air. Good news, Jacob likes to be held upside down. Tossing is not far off.


Unexpected noises startle him now. Emma barked the other night and he flung his hands out and three seconds later started crying. I pulled my camera off a coffee table and knocked over a candlestick on accident and the same crying ensued. He can also stick out his lower lip when he's preparing to wail and it's hard to comfort when he's so damn adorable. Today he's been waking up by a loud cry, except his eyes are still closed and he's really not awake. Just thinking that maybe he'd like to wake up soon. Or maybe trying to trick me into holding him some more. I think that's his favorite trick. My least favorite is when he refuses to nurse when we wake up in the morning and his little body goes stiff and straight in anger.

My dozy newborn is gone. Replaced with a really chunky baby who likes to smile up at before nursing. Or watches me from the bouncy seat on the table as I make dinner. And almost laughs when I poke him in the armpits. It's a good thing he sleeps though. I'm told I don't deserve it.

Two Sisters And One Almost

I've never been very good at keeping friends. Since I was homeschooled, I didn't have many childhood friends. There were kids in 4-H, but that was only at fair. There were some "unschooled" boys we played with, but that faded once we started public school. I had one friend in 7th grade, but she moved to Texas. I made a new best friend in 8th grade, and that lasted until 10th grade when I made friends at my new school. At my high school, I had lots of friends. But that faded once I started college. Then in college, I had millions of friends. Groups and cliques and sorority sisters. Of course, I had my best friends there. The ones that knew me best, because they'd seen the worst and stuck around. We grew up together, in a sense. (insert cliche about finding yourself in college) I had great friends in college. Witty, smart, beautiful, and always so happy. Then college ended and we immersed ourselves in the "real world." There's not enough time out here to keep in touch with dozens of friends. But I take great pride in the three relationships I have with my college friends. Out of the dozens, I have three. That seems so small, and a little sad because it used to be four. But those three people are worth more to me than I can say. I don't get to see or hear from them daily, but it doesn't matter. None of them are friends with each other. They are mine, alone. And these three make me want to keep in touch. I don't want to start over. After years of not having a history with someone, I want to keep making it with them.

How To...

Make a baby milk shake-

Eat massive amounts of chocolate in the late afternoon/evening.

Allow baby to fall asleep and wake around 5 AM.

Bring baby to bed, latch him on with his freezing cold hands next to the boob.

Enjoy!

Needed: One Daddy

Mama and baby Jacob are asleep on the couch at 11:30. Have been sleeping for one hour. Jacob's back is covered in sweat from Mama's arm. Mama has spit up on her tank top. Need Daddy to hold baby and for keeping Mama from falling asleep as she types. Daddy should be able to change diapers, bounce baby on knee, and make Mama laugh. Large muscles a bonus. There is no pay and must be able to put up with Hunter.

Sweetness

I am currently eating an ice cream cone. I also had cake today. However, I'm getting frustrated with this post partum body I've got going on. I'm only about five pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and if I could work out everyday, I'd lose that in a snap. But it's the flabby, stretched out belly skin that I can't get over. Now that winter is coming, I'm losing my chances of getting out of the house to work out and I haven't worked out while Jacob sleeps yet because I am lazy. And my yoga DVD is packed away. (Except I know where it is, but I have to go to the shed and move boxes to get it, and ugh.) I shouldn't complain, especially when I read about women who struggle with getting their bodies back and how long it takes...but I'm ready to look cute again. Or be able to wear jeans without feeling a gross muffin top puffing out of my jeans when I sit down to nurse.

So I really should be giving up the brown butter cake and ice cream cones. But then again, it's my only vice. It's not like I have greasy hamburgers and french fries on a weekly basis. Although, it does sound awfully good right about now.

Almost A Flop

This post is brought to you by a round about way. I am ready for bed. I went into the bedroom, prepared to get into bed. I put my cell phone on the night stand and realized that I don't have a cloth diaper there so I had to go out into the living room where I left the stack of fresh diapers. When I grabbed one, I remembered the post Alexa from Flotsam put up about going out and buying packages of cloth diapers because her commentors told her that was crucial to baby rearing. And then I remembered that I have a blog, and I have to post one today or I lose.

So I don't lose!

CS left for North Carolina this morning and he got there late tonight. I wish I could have gone with him, as I've never been to NC but that's not an option when the company flies you out. And he shares a hotel room with a co-worker. Life on the road is not family friendly. I miss him already.

Although, chances are, that if I was in NC? I'd probably rent a car and drive to Ohio. Because I miss it!

Five

Five Things I Want For Jacob:

1) Go to a college he (or I) can pay for without taking loans that will consume his paycheck post graduation. I love my college memories, but I wish I could have gone to a school I could afford. I don't want my son to start his adult life with crushing debt.

2) Fall in love before having sex. I want to raise him with the no sex before marriage option, but I can hardly tell him it's terrible and wrong when I obviously had him out of wedlock. But I hope that he is in love with the girl, I can't imagine the hurt that must be involved if there is no love.

3) Never know racism. I don't know how I became to be open minded about race when the male side of my family is terribly racist, but if Jacob can have no judgements toward another race, I'm doing good.

4) To know that his punishments always fit the crime.

5) To be incredibly thirsty for knowledge. To be more interested in education than making a lot of money.

Delicious

I finally made a the Hazelnut Brown Butter cake from Smitten Kitchen and I'm pleased to say that it is awesome and I will be very sad when I eat the last piece. Cs doesn't eat sweets, so I only have to share with my mom.

The other thing I find delicious is slowly falling asleep on the couch when I could be in bed. I'm somewhat fighting that urge right now, but I should go wash my face and brush my teeth so I can roll off the couch straight into bed. But if I get up now then I'm going to lose the wonderful sensation of falling asleep because I'm so damn comfortable.

I'm also trying to nurse the beginning of a blocked duct so that it doesn't turn into a blocked duct. This is the part of nursing that makes me think bottles are a great idea. Jacob didn't want to nurse this morning and I really wanted him to but he just kept fussing when I tried. I'm pretty easy-going with his not wanting to nurse but this morning I was close to a breaking point. I broke down and pumped a little bit and after he had his nine o'clock nap, we were back to our routine. That boy and his naps. I don't know why he thinks he needs a nap after sleeping all night long. At least it means I have time for breakfast. But probably not enough to brush my teeth too.

Time Line

Age Three- Playing in my parent's waterbed. The bed is high and there is a mirror in the headboard. There are rainbow sheets.

Age Four-I go to preschool and make crayons by putting broken pieces of old crayon into muffin tins. They take pictures of us and I'm wearing a teal sweater with a bear on it.

Age Four- I go down into the craw space to get scuba diving gear out because my mom is pregnant with my brother and too big to go down.

Age Five- I sneak out of bed and sit on the stairs where the ceiling meets the steps and sneak peeks down into the living room. My brother is born that night.

Age Six- I am mad at my mom. I stand in from of my little brother's crib and bang a Grover puppet onto the rails, yelling "I'm tired of you." My brother shrieks with laughter and falls over.

Age Seven- My sister is born in our living room. The midwives are late. My dad and my mom's friend deliver her, and I am the one who rushes to my parents bedroom to get the package of supplies. My dad struggles to open the nose bulb.

Age Eight- My mom, my sister, and I go to Colorado Springs to take care of the fish tanks my parent's maintain. My dad is sick. Later, when we are home, we play a game where we stick our tongues out and touch them to each other. This is the last day of my sister's life.

Age Nine- My grandpa buys me sheep so I can be in 4-H. At the fair, I wear teal green jeans and a purple and teal button down shirt. The sheep are bigger than I am.

Age Ten- My brothers and I sleep outside, on a futon on the front porch. We think we're so brave.

Must Leave House

CS's job is taking him to North Carolina on Sunday. He's going to be gone for a few days, up to a week, or so I'm told. I predict this will be a long week for me. I can say this from experience, one I had tonight. Cs had to work late to get everything ready to ship out and my mom was working late because she has school on Wednesdays. So it was just me and Jacob, all alone. All day long. Back when I first got pregnant, my mom was worried for me because she thought I would be parenting on my own for most of the time. This was when CS was working ten hour days, six days a week. I would be raising a baby with a man who spent more time away or sleeping that with us. This isn't such a terrible thing, most stay at home mom's must deal with this. But the going away for a week twice a month is going to be hard. I can make it through a day, it goes by rather quickly. But come five, when it starts to get dark and I know my family is headed home soon, I get antsy. So on nights like tonight, when no one is home until eight, I'm more than ready to hand him off to the first person who walks into the door. Fortunately, I have more than just CS here at home. But what happens when we have our own place? I guess I can always move back in when he heads out. Bonus points for staying in CO.

Cs turned down the job in Fort Collins for this month. Maybe next month, when we see how the job he has now is going, he can take the other job. Or we might stay here in this area and try to get a place closer to his work. And Target. Because really, that's all I need.

Rock. Hard Place.

CS and I are in the midst of a dilemma with where our future lies. Where he is working right now does not pay enough to cover our bills, and that's living in my mom's house. However, he does have an opportunity right now to go work in Fort Collins for an amount that covers the major bills but leaves us woefully short for things like gas and food, not to mention rent. Unfortunately, he can't just drive up to Fort Collins to work and drive back here or he would be in the car for 6 hours a day. Not to mention the cost of fuel to do that. And to top it off, he needs new tires. Badly. I don't want to go back to work. The mere thought of it makes me cry. I don't mind doing something on the side, but I can't put my baby in to daycare. This is the most frustrating situation we've been in, made even more frustrating by the fact that this could have all been avoided.

I should start playing the lotto.

Lazy, Rainy Ohio Day

This morning we got up at 7:45 and went into Gramma's room to watch the Today show in her bed. She has a water bed so it's always very warm and the room has great sunlight. So even on this dreary day, it didn't feel too dark. Jacob was nestled into my left arm and he promptly fell back asleep. I watched the woman with the World's Longest Legs as well as When Is The Right Age To Marry (if I get married, I will be above the average age now) before succumbing to a doze. A warm bed with a warm infant snuggled up with you will cause that, you know.

When I finally extracted my arm from Jacob, I got up to make breakfast and after I toasted my bread and put water on for tea, I went in to check on him, and lo! He was awake and rooting into the pillows with his little cowardly lion cry. What I'm really trying to say is that this was a day of naps. He did manage to sleep most of the day off of me and a few times he even put himself to sleep while laying on the couch next to me. Propped up so he could see me, of course. But not actually on my chest, or in my arms, or draped over some other part of my body. He napped so much today that I was actually hoping for him to wake up so we could do something or have him entertain me. The weekends are so busy that I think he's sleep deprived by Monday, I guess I should just learn to take it easy. Of course, I waited till he was awake this evening to start making apple crisp but I can only blame part of that on me. I had to go to the store for apples and someone didn't wake up until Ellen came on so I was just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs till then. I guess I could have folded clothes. Eh.

Sunday Evening Before Bed

10:38- Put sleeping baby in bed.

10:40- Find soap for boyfriend who is complaining about having no soap yet refuses to look in toiletries bag where soap was put during the move.

10:42- Put clothes away from laundry finished two days ago.

10:45- Fix sheets on bed because boyfriend is a messy sleeper and the fitted sheet is coming off the mattress.

10:48- Clean up living room because mother is a neat freak and it's messy. Throw about 4 burp rags into laundry basket.

10:49- See computer open because I must blog today for NaBloPoMo. Maybe I will prize?

10:55- Still have to make lunch for boyfriend and get self ready for bed. Self wants to read book in bed, but should probably go to sleep. Will read though, because self is enthralled with a trilogy. Again.

Like Starbursts In My Heart

Jacob has developed the most wicked case of the grins. His happiest times come right after waking up or after nursing. But occasionally, he has unexpected bouts of smiley time. CS took this picture right after we took a walk. Jacob does so well with the strolled. Usually he spits out the binky and just enjoys the ride. Hunter, on the other hand, really hates that he has to compete with the stroller now. Can I not just let him run in front of it so he can be first? Maybe I could just let him off the leash entirely so he can go into everyone's yard and eat cat poop. And he wonders why I won't let him lick the baby.

Armfuls

I have a lot of books.

Really, this shouldn't surprise anyone as I have a degree in English and I was a librarian for two years. I also took as many English classes as the University would allow, occasionally taking a class under a different code so I could take even more English classes. I was a Humanities minor, guess I should throw that in. Of course, I still have all my books. What? Maybe someday I will want to read Dante's Inferno (again) or Wilkie Collins novel or maybe some Russian literature.

Doubtful. But at least when I put them all on my bookshelves in my library in my house, I can say that I've read them all. Never mind the yellow USED stickers all over half of them. I was never the type to buy things brand, spanking new. Why bother? You're just going to write all over them anyways.

When I moved to New Mexico, I left many, many books behind. I took only a few that were most interesting to me, most likely to be re-read when I was looking for something to occupy my time. But then I bought more books while we lived there, and my mom gave me some for Christmas. Then I got pregnant and picked up more books along the way. My mom sent me more books. It's a cycle, really.

Now that I am back at her house, I decided to read a trilogy I own, for about the third time. But first I had to find them. Since my mom foolishly thought I had moved out for good and she packed all my things away. But not all in logical places. I went out to the shed and looked in one plastic bin and found some books. Not what I needed. I looked in the bin underneath that bin and I found some boots, purses, and more books. Not the trilogy though. I called my mom and asked her where the books were. She said in a cardboard box on the top shelf. I got that box down, maybe damaging a few things in the process, that shit is heavy. Found loads of books. Also, a dead mouse. Not with the books, but on the floor near where I was looking. So three boxes of books and I'm still missing a substantial amount of my collection. Finally, I found them in yet another bin. A very heavy bin that takes two people to get back into place.

I really need my own library.

Pacify

I almost went to a La Leche League meeting this morning. We ended up not going because it was at ten and when we get up at eight, it's a little hard to get out the door. I'm not nearly as motivated to get up before he does as I thought I might be. I used to take walks at six in the morning, now we go around ten or eleven. Jacob has started sleeping until after four in the morning so by the time I fall back asleep, it's almost six. So I sleep till he wakes up, unless he doesn't wake until nine or ten. I like those mornings because it means I get to have breakfast first.

So back to LLL, I want to go. I think it would be nice to see what it's all about. As evident by Jacob's weight, I'm certainly not doing it wrong but it wouldn't hurt to meet others and maybe ask some questions. Like why my right side lets down every time I nurse and my left side hardly ever. Why my left fills more quickly? Is it natural for my back to hurt like this? (Although the back pain has gotten remarkably better. No more lying awake for an hour after nursing at two AM because my back is killing me.) I do wonder that if I went to a meeting, would they freak out about the fact that Jacob uses a pacifier? All the books I've read on breastfeeding say that a pacifier is BAD NEWS. However, he seems just fine. Sometime he gets mad that I put him to nurse when he just wants to suck, but we figure it out pretty quickly. He's growing well, and I don't have supply issues. But it's such a forbidden object in the LLL world that I am worried that if I go and they see him with one, I'm in for a lecture. Because that's what women do. They think they are allowed to impose their opinion on other people. Women with children are especially bad. I've already seen it. And I'd like to avoid the assvice. Some maybe we'll try again next month. Or we'll just stay home and watch Will and Grace at nine.

Alone

Now that CS is finally going to work everyday, I'm discovering that I am alone all day long. It's not gotten to me yet, but I can see the potential for it becoming a problem. Especially since he isn't so great at dinner conversation and now that I can watch TV all day long, it loses it's fun factor in the evening. And guess what he wants to do when he gets home? So my one source of conversation is now engaged into a UFC fight. Great.

I do try to get out of the house and do something once a day. As Jacob gets older, we will go to the library for story time and crafts. Make an effort to get to know other moms with children so I can have play dates. This stay at home mom life has potential. But now, when he's so small, it's harder to go places without needed to nurse in the middle of an outing. Or constantly waking him up as we go from store to store, when I know he just wants to take a nap. I'm not trying to be a stickler for a schedule, but I do like have some thing loose to gage our day. He naps so frequently right now, and bedtime comes around 9:30, so bath time at 8:30 every other night.

There's so much to parenthood that I already understand. I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mama, and I'm good at it. But CS's experience with children isn't like mine. So while I have my own ideas and plans for how things should go, he's not always there with me. We're working on it though. Last night we went to his parents for dinner and I didn't have to ask him to leave, he did it on his own. Baby steps, I guess.

Baby Votes

Jacob and I went to vote today. We meant to go by nine AM but I was up for two hours last night stressing over money at three AM so I slept in till nine. We got to the polls by ten and fortunately the line was not long. We got in and out in about fifteen minutes, our "I Voted" sticker stuck to his baby sling. I stuck the sticker in his baby book when we got home. No sense in wearing a sticker all day when no one can see it. Might as well save it for posterity. Two months old and already in the voter's box. If only I knew what party to raise him into. If only I knew what party to align myself with. CS and I have slightly different politics though. Because of college, I'm more liberal than he is. He would rather vote for an independent candidate than the red or blue. I don't know if we're setting ourselves up for issues later in child raising. I'm firmly in the education camp and CS has more of a trade is best attitude. I hope Jacob chooses to go to college. I certainly intend to raise him with the belief that college is just something you do. You have to work your whole life once you become an adult. Why start right after high school? Help yourself by taking the time to grow up in a nurturing environment while getting an education that's going to help you get ahead. Hopefully, by the time he is ready, college will be as mandatory as high school. I don't relish paying for this education, but maybe my kid will be smarter than me. Pick a college you can afford! Or go for FREE! Or maybe consider an instate college, don't discount something just because it's within driving distance of your parents house. And please, please don't follow your friends to distant states. Also, no dating!

I Cry Too

Jacob had his two month appointment today. He's officially TWO MONTHS old now. He weighed in at 14 pounds, 6 ounces and is 23 inches long. Which means he's off the percentile chart for weight and in the 95% for height. He weighs more than a six month old. I have a whopper of a baby boy. My Dr. says I should be so smug.

Of course, the two month mark means that Jacob needed shots. I'm staggering the shots, so he only got two shots, one in each leg. My Dr. doesn't think that there is anything dangerous with immunizations so she doesn't think staggering is necessary but she's willing to allow me to choice how I want to care for my baby. It's hard though, I can see her side of the importance of immunizing on time but I'm trying to stick to my feeling that it's ok to immunize on a more relaxed schedule. Had she not keep talking during the end of our visit, I might have agreed to get all of them. I chose not to do the DTap and Polio vaccine today. I think I will go to the Health Clinic in December and get those shots (for free) and then go back to the Dr. for the 4 month check up.

The real tragedy of shots is actually giving them. The rotovirus immunization is an oral shot, and Jacob took that one well for a breast feed baby. He even smiled at the nurse when she was done squeezing it into his mouth. After that, she prepped his legs with alcohol then pinned his legs against her body and the table. I had to hold his little arms to his chest so he couldn't wiggle around. He was just fine with the first poke but then he realized that it hurt and his face just crumpled. He turned bright red at the second and cried so hard he stopped breathing. I could pick him up then but it took him a while to calm down. I held it together long enough for the nurse to tell me I could nurse him as long as I needed and for her to pat my arm and ask if i was OK. There weren't tears in my eyes but the trauma must have been evident on my face. As soon as she left the room, I started crying and tell him I'm sorry.

He's fine now, sleeping on the couch, chubby thighs sporting band-aids. I can't believe he's already two months old. People keep asking me how being a mama is, and it's hard for me to give an explanation. Is it wrong to say it's just natural to me? Sure, sometimes I wish that I didn't have to change a diaper or that someone else was here to pass him off when it's been two hours of fussy, want to be held, fighting sleep comforting. But the rest of the time, it's just something I have to do and it's not hard for me. But most of the credit for this has to go to Jacob. He is EASY. He sleeps well, he nurses well, he's a generally good baby. Sometimes I worry that my luck will run out and I will wake up one day to a baby who cries constantly or refuses to sleep at night. Maybe it will. But he's an amazing child, already I can see his happy personality coming though. I don't want to say goodbye to the newborn phase, but I just love watching him discover new things. Just this morning, he was laughing at elephant butts.

An Indian Summer

Which will probably mean a Nasty Winter. It's about 75 to 80 degrees here today. Shorts and teeshirt weather. Not that this is unheard of in Colorado. You live here long enough and nothing surprises you in this state. Snow in May? Sure. Seventy degrees in December? Why not! You even get used to the flip flopping of seasons, only putting away some of you summer clothes and leaving a coat in your closet after spring. I liked Arizona in the early spring, but nothing beats Colorado for fall.

When we decided to move back to CO, I was excited for the prospect of fall. Wearing jeans and my long sleeve clothes while drinking warm cups of tea with a snuggly baby in my arms. The leaves changing colors, first snow, and peaks covered with the white stuff. I miss the mellow winters of my youth when snow didn't fall every weekend like is has in the past few years. For years, we never had white Christmases. I vividly remember a Christmas where I got a pajama set from my grandma. It was shorts and a teeshirt. We also got a set of a walky-talkies. There are pictures of us playing outside with our new toys, and I'm wearing my new pajamas. Summer PJ's for a winter holiday.

The only bad thing about coming back here is that my mom bought Jacob all sorts of cute summer clothes. Which he is A)rapidly outgrowing and B)will soon be too cold to wear. And he looks so flipping cute in those one piece snap up suits.

Time On My Hands

I've decided to do NaBloPoMo this year. I think I tried last year but failed, and since I have a few hours a day with nada to do while little boy sleeps, I thought I could try again. For some reason, I mistakenly think that if I can push myself to blog daily for a whole month, then maybe I can work on that "writing" I was so good at in college. It's probably something I need to come to terms with. Maybe I'm not cut out for writing fame. Yes, I loved it. I was good at it too. But I'm not motivated anymore. I don't aspire to go get my MFA and write for my keep. Nowadays, I want to go back to school to get my certificate and teach. If my college self could see me now, I'd probably smack me. Since I want to teach, I never write, and I have a baby. WTF, Jess? I am completely different than what I aspired to be. I'm ok with that. How could I not be satisfied with this life?

Good education with great memories? Check
Boyfriend who loves me despite my neurosis? Check
Baby boy who loves his mama? Check
Jealous whore dog who needs more attention? Check.

And now I have to go nurse.