I'd Rather Watch The Weather Channel

I went in to have my long anticipated colposcopy today. I wasn't allowed to have it last month because the IUD kickstarted my long lost period and apparently they don't like ripping chucks of your cervix out when you are already bleeding. So I had to wait until today, which is almost four months from when I got the Pap smear that alerted them to the issue. I've been very blase about it, mostly because I wasn't going to let fear of the unknown rule my life. I wish it was easier to get into the clinic, but I also wish I had healthcare and there's not a whole lot I can do about either of those things.

It's probably a good thing I've had a baby before getting an STD since there is a lot of spreading your legs for more than one person involved in this "closer look" business. Plus, there is a camera with video filming the whole time! I felt bad for my cervix, as it started out pink and healthy looking but after they swabbed it with vinegar and iodine then cut out three pieces of it and patched them up with a mustard colored glue, it looked like a bomb had gone off. Luckily, almost nothing hurt. Even the biopsies felt like nothing. My IUD was AWFUL to put in, I felt like I was back in labor all because of the rod they use to pry it open for the Mirena. I'd go through another biopsy tomorrow if I meant I'd never have to get my IUD out.

My doctors agreed that they thought the spots they checked out today looked mostly like HPV and not the beginnings of cancer. Of course, I have to wait for the results but it is good to know that they aren't overly concerned about it. They talked a lot about stress and how the disease often flares up under stressful times. I guess that means I need to relax and allow my body to heal itself in time. Is there a magic way to get to the point where I'm not stressed? Because I really don't need to see the inside of my body anytime soon.

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

When CS and I first started dating, and I decided to move with him to New Mexico, I told my mom that he would never leave me and he would never cheat on me. I was coming off of a relationship where I was monogamous and he was most likely not, though I never heard or saw anything concrete. CS is convinced that his ex-wife cheated on him throughout their marriage and he's adamant that we would break up if I ever cheated on him. He even told me that it was unacceptable for people in relationships to cultivate friendships with members of the opposite sex. That nothing good could come from a situation where people would be compelled to cheat. To an extent, I agree with him. I think people within a relationship can be friends with others in a relationship, even have bonding between the sexes but mostly in a group setting. However, I do not have any male friends that I speak to on a regular basis. If I call a man, it's with an agenda in mind. I need my computer fixed, I need my car serviced, I want to get a job. I don't visit a bar and see who I can befriend. I don't email old classmates and catch up. My friends are mostly stay at home mom's and we get together with our children. We don't go out and drink. I feel like I have respected the line between aquanitence and friends. I've never been in a situation where I would wonder if CS would feel threatened if he knew what I was doing.

Then I find myself in this ugly place. Walking into a bar and seeing the man whose baby I just rocked to sleep sitting at the bar with a woman. When confronted he tells me that he doesn't know why her name is on his call log, then he admits to calling her but only because she is the only bartender that serves cold beer there. I doubted the validity of this statement at the time but I had nothing to go on. Until now, when I find out that he had emailed her to tell her he wasn't ignoring her, that he'd been unable to get away from the house but that he would see her on Wednesday, for sure.

This was all before I walked into the bar and saw him there with her. My fiancee was emailing a single woman, telling her he hadn't been able to get away (FROM HIS FAMILY) to get together with her. He was making plans to see another woman when by his own admission, that is not acceptable for a man in a relationship.

Last week I got an email reminder that our cell phone bill is ready. I opened it to find over $50 in extra fees. CS has been texting her so much that he went over his limit of 1500 outside texts by over 500. Meanwhile, he's also texting me things that are more like boyfriend/girlfriend than just updates on the baby.

I thought we were working toward fixing our relationship. I thought he was a gentleman. Sure, I know I left and that means I can't dictate who he talks to and what he does. But if he's interested in getting his family back, then talking to another woman is not in his best interest. I feel heartbroken and devastated. Did he not think I wouldn't find out? That I am too stupid to understand? I don't know if he thinks that he's hiding it, but everyone knows. His very polite, easy going dad commented that he didn't know why CS was wasting his time with M, she's just a skank. I'm not sure either, since she's the kind of woman CS has often acted disgusted to be with. He always says he never wanted to be "Just Add Dad."

Friday night he was at the bar and we texted throughout the evening. He was upset again, angry at me for leaving. He wants me to make the first move, prove to him that I want to be with him before he will do anything to fix why I left in the first place. Obviously, I can't do this. He is the only person who thinks that I was wrong to leave. Even his family supports me in this decision. I am not the bad guy. But to him I am the one who ruined our family. I just have to wonder how much a family there was left to ruin, since the man who wanted to marry me was starting to create a friendship with a single woman and leave me at home with our son.

I was wrong all along.

Springtime

This morning, when we took a pile of my laundry to the apartment's laundry room, I left Jacob run over to the swing set and play for a bit before coming back for breakfast. It's a perfect sunny day, too warm for long sleeves and jeans. I sat on the swings and watched him run around like a wild monkey, goofy arms and wobbly run. And I thought how perfect this summer will be. Spending most of the day outside, soaking up the good weather before another endless winter.

Then I realized that I have to start working soon. My plans of spending the summer with my boy in the pool as a stay at home mom aren't really reality anymore. I need less than a thousand a month to support us, but I'm not sure how to make enough without working too much.

All I ask for is to be able to stay home and raise my baby. Is that too much? I hope not.

Should Probably Not Hit Publish

I am staying in Alabama for another week and while it's nice to be away from home, I was sort of ready to be back. It's hard to be away from home with a baby. Jacob is doing fine and he's not that different here than there. It's a little awkward to be here with my brother and his wife at times. My brother is a know it all and a lot racist and very judgmental of anything he doesn't agree with. He wants to kill the stray cats that live in the apartment commons because they climb on his truck at night. He's more interested in making sure that his buddies from work see him as a hard working, awesome, beer-bringing guy than helping his wife get the baby out of the car and into the house. He's told his wife that he doesn't want her to work because he wants to take care of her but then he gets angry when she spends money on things he deems "unnecessary" because he's always putting the baby first but forgetting that he spends money on beer and chew every day of the week. Not that his wife is perfect and blameless either. I think she lies about the things that Abe has forbidden her to do but I don't know why. He doesn't really think she's going to become a stripper and make tons of money if he allows her to buy work out DVD's. She buys things and hides them so he doesn't get mad she bought them. Then he gets mad that she has new things with tags and never wears them. Recently she's been saying how the baby was a mistake and they never should have had them but she refuses to leave him with strangers and do any of the things she says she needs to be happy. I know she loves the baby but I don't see how she can regret him so often. Jacob woke me up at three AM last night and the only thing I regretted was that we were in AL and I couldn't let him cry it out because he'd wake up the baby in the next room. (Somehow he entertained himself by looking at his hands in the dark and periodically got mad because I wouldn't let him stick his hands up my shirt for a feelsie. What do I do when I'm ready to quit nursing and he's not? I am at a loss here.)

I guess I just feel like being here solves nothing for them. Who am I to hand out advice? My relationship failed. They are still together but is it better to be in a relationship and snip at each other all the time over little things instead of figuring out the big things. Communication is such a huge part of being with another person and it's almost virtually ignored. How can two people who love each other get to the point where they don't even like the other person in bed with them?

We All Scream!

For ICE CREAM!

I'm in love with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream. I had never had it until we came to visit CS last year in March. I ate gallons of it while we lived in Mobile and we even stocked up on it before we moved back to Colorado. It is amazing and not available to the entire nation. I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream as my sister in law got out a cup of Italian ice and told her how I would probably eat the whole half gallon and need another before I left. She was shocked and probably disgusted but I don't care. A few pounds is fine by me if it means I get to eat delicious cream for a whole week. She has body issues so I can't expect her to understand. Uh, even though I've been feeling a tad bit on the chubby side for the last week as I gave up exercising for some reason. Laziness? Lack of enthusiasm? I have no idea. But they have a Wii Fit so I should really be on the ball. Or at least take Jacob on a long walk each morning. Because it's 75 degrees here and perfect. I love the South. I want to stay here forever. I will take the humidity and crazy people and my delicious ice cream. I will just live here with my brother and his wife and their baby and we will all be happy.

I came down here on a mission to make life easier for my brother's wife but I'm not sure much will be accomplished. She's too scared to leave the baby so I'm trying to talk to her about not saying that she never wanted to be a mom and how she wants to have her own life back. It's hard to hear those things and not be angry about it. She has so much that I want but I also have things she wants. I have a college education and a life as a child-free woman. I didn't get married young and I am good at lots of things. I've worked. I chose to have a baby and I desperately want to stay home with him. She wants to stay home but she just feels trapped sometimes. She has no family or friends and a 5 month old baby. It's exhausting. I know. But you can't say you regret your baby.

I'm trying to be good and nice and non-judgmental. But tell me, did I go too far by taking a rag to the kitchen counters and wiping up all the crumbs and junk in the corners and behind bowls? No? How about when I mopped up the floor? Yes?

I can't help myself. A dirty kitchen is my biggest pet peeve ever. I cannot stand spills on the floor or sauce baked on the stove. I maybe even wiped down the windowsill.

But if this is sickness, I really don't want to be well.

Return To The South

Jacob and I are flying to Mobile, AL tomorrow. We're going to see my brother and his family for a week since his wife is having a hard time adjusting to being a mama and she's saying all sorts of horrible things. We're worried and a little angry. I wish I had a husband who went to work everyday and still managed to take care of the baby half the time and help with the housework or just give me a day to sleep in. She has money to spend and the opportunity to go back to school or work if she wants. I want her life. It's what we were supposed to have before Jacob was born and CS quit his job.

I'm excited to go back even if it's for a sad purpose. It's actually a lot warmer here now but I'm hoping we can sneak a trip to the beach in a few times. I get to meet Carter and let Jacob entertain him.

We're up in Denver until we leave tomorrow. I was having to quell all sorts of nervous thoughts about leaving to come to Denver and then Alabama. I like having Jacob in his routine and leaving means all that changes, even when it doesn't. He's a good kid and he doesn't have a hard time when he has to nap on a bed and not his crib. Bedtime is still the same and he's eating like he does at home. I don't know why I felt like the world would come crashing down if I left for ten days. I'm glad it passed so I could actually enjoy my time away. I used to spend weeks from home. It's nice to get away.

So I had better stop wasting my time in the big city and go Google some sewing stores. I need a walking foot so I can finish my quilt when I get back. And start on a new one for my mom!