So Much To Do. Too Lazy.

It's occurred to me that I'm waiting for a Golden Plan to drop from the sky and make a straight path to my future.

This makes me mad. Why should I have to choose this? Why do I have to make it all happen? It'd be so much easier if it could just happen to me and I have to go along. These choices are hard. I don't want to make them. You do it.

Oh, wait. I've been here before. I can't let you do it. I have to. And I need to decide soon. My time is running out. So like me to leave it all for the last minute.

I'm sorry. I'm bound to disappoint someone. I just hope I don't disappoint myself.

Dark Days

The past few days have had me feeling out of sorts. I suspect it's mostly tiredness, since I stayed out till 4 AM for four days, but there are a few things that contributed to the gloom. It's interesting to me that I can pinpoint my emotions and be somewhat detached from them. I can analyze them, and function on a basic level even while obsessing over them.

We got Jayden on Sunday night and ran a few errands afterwards. (Target!) While in Target, Jayden decided she had to pee and instead of informing us, she peed on the floor in the dairy section. When we went to check out, she said she had to pee again and we took her seriously this time. On our way back from the bathroom, I was carrying her and she had her arms wrapped around my neck and she said "I missed you." What's she going to do when I move to Ohio? What am I going to do with out her? She's my little playmate, I'm never tired of her and I work around children all the time and frequently hate them. I have a song I sing to Hunter and I started singing it to JBelle this weekend. I say "Who is my loave?" and she sings back "I am" or "I am your love." At dinner, her mom's BF started talking about how she says "actually" a lot and in the right context. Mom and I looked at each other and I said "I say that a lot, don't I" and she responded "All the time."

And all of you say, "I know. It's going to be hard. But it will be ok." And it's not. It never will be ok. I will miss out on so much. Here is a little girl who is a part of me. She is my niece. Sure, she's friendly and adorable to strangers and acquaintances. But when she sees me, it's something else. She loves me, and that was no easy trust to forge. She is my love.

So it's hard to accept the fact that I am moving away from her. When I have the option to stay here. That I am giving it up because "it's best for me." That's so fucking selfish. Her father is a complete failure, and I am her family. And I want to move away? It's just frustrating to me. There is no right place for me to go. I'm trapped again.

OMG. Am Idiot. Damn Google.

So, I've been under the impression that this blog is somewhat a secret. And I am naive. I've googled myself lots of time to see if this comes up, and it only does if I type in the name of the blog. So, safe right?

No. Silly, silly me.

Because I had a Xanga one before, when everyone at OWU was doing it and I had to join in! When I quit Xanga, I left everything up there and put the link to this blog in my last post. And a Google search will pull up the Xanga site and bring you right here.

Hi! I don't know who you are. I'm hoping you're not BB's GF, but then you'd have read my letter. Which may explain your letter to me on MySpace. Although, I must say, it's very cowardly to post a letter to someone then change your profile to public but keep the blog private. Doncha think? And while I'm on a soap box, do you not also think it's wrong to hate the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with while still staying with the man? Just saying. Hate the player, not the game... is that how it goes?

(Sorry my friend who DO read this. This is my way of NOT contacting her and giving her the satisfaction of knowing I saw that. I can't be the bigger person all the fucking time. I'm a girl after all.)

Anyways, back to Who Reads This. Honestly, I don't care. I feel like I had an awkward moment last Saturday when an former co-worker came by and we started talking and she knew so much about what I have been up to and we haven't talked in forever. (Hi! I remember I gave this to you, I'm glad you read!) But it was funny to me, and took me off guard because I've never had that before. And another thing is that I've stopped censoring what I am saying. I'm being, omg, Honest. No, I don't care if what's her face Googled me, found my old blog, came to the new one, and read everything. Nor do I care if someone from OWU reads this. If I didn't want people to find this, then I shouldn't have been so stupid as to make it public knowledge. But with all the drama of yesterday and seeing the letter to me, I started thinking about the things I've said publicly, albeit somewhat privately, and if I'm in the wrong too. I have a strict policy of not making my MySpace private, nor do I track people. I don't delete comments. If my MySpace gets to the point I need a private profile so people can't read what's on it, then I am deleting it. And I'm not judging those of you who do have private profiles because I understand why you do. These are my rules. I don't post things on MySpace that I don't want people to see, like this, so why would I break my rule in allowing this site to be Googleable? Big mistake! And perhaps I am paying for it.

I'm pretty sure that I know most of the people who read this and know me. I'm pretty sure She doesn't read this blog. If she does, I don't know why. And I'm not going to worry about it. But I have to say it's really hard to be the adult. To not give in to the part of my head that says "play that game." It's hard to know the truth of a situation because I am older and wiser in this game of relationships. It sucks to keep my mouth shut and my knowledge to myself because I'm going to be the bigger person. I don't play games. I won't ask her what she has to say to me because she has nothing to say to me. I'm the Ex-GF and she's the GF, but trust me, it is so much better on my side of the fence.

Just Warn Me First

I'm less hateful today. I do wish I could be outside, it's a lovely day. One for tanning! I didn't go to the HS graduation because I have to work. It's nice because sitting in the bleachers for two hours gets hot, hot, hot! But it would be a chance to wear my J Crew dress I'm in love with again. Even if it tends to show a little too much skin. Not my fault!

I'm somewhat tired today, even though my body woke up at 7 this morning. After going to bed at 3. I could blame Hunter for the waking. He's rather demanding in the mornings. But then he comes and lays right behind me then puts his nose right on my neck and sighs. Very sweet. Almost makes up for the fact that he will soon be stepping on my face.

I went out last night with a group of people I've never gone out with before. I tend to do that when I know a lot of people. I never stay with just one group. I like that, keeps things interesting and the drama at a minimum. I had my first drink since before surgery and it didn't hurt! But then I hurt this morning, so maybe not ready yet. I'll wait another week. Or maybe just till Monday. It's interesting to me how a place can be different depending on the people you are with. When I'm with the pirates, Manhattans is loud and full of movement: dancing, conversations with many people, going outside. One of my HS BFF's, Amanda goes out with me on Thursdays and we seem to spend a lot of time apart except when we are dancing. Last night I sat at a table for most of the night, talking and posing for pictures. I also find myself dating someone again (a boy this time, much to my mother's approval. And a blonde, much to my chagrin. kidding...) and that adds a new element to the picture of going out. I'm so good at being hesitant and almost disinterested in the beginning of new relationships. I get scared easily. I run away. Because I know if I don't, I end up completely entranced and caught up. I think it's simply the part of me that hates change. But I force myself through it, to accept it and actively pursue it. It's funny, that I would be affected by change, when I put myself through so much.

HATE

I've been saying this a lot today.

Because I'm very upset. And HATE.

I got a call from my insurance assessor on Tuesday. She told me she paid for the fuel line/engine/gas bullshit repairs at the mechanics and I needed to pay my (1st) deductible before they would release my car to the body shop for the final stage- painting. I faxed my info that day. The body shop didn't get my car back until Wednesday at noon. I talked to them on Wednesday, they said they needed two days to paint it. So I figured Friday would be the day I get it back.

No.

I called today. They said they had painted it this morning but that it was still not dry. So I tell her I need my car by Monday. I have to work tomorrow so I have Monday off and I am going to Denver to sit in the sun and eat Spicy Pickle. They ask me when I was leaving for Denver. I say in the morning (although now I'm going up on Sunday night and probably staying till Tuesday morning.) Lady on the phone says they don't even open till 8. I say I'll come get the car at 8. She says no, won't be ready till noon. Call around 11.

Umm. What. The. Fuck.

They are going to have my car for almost a week after they got it back from the mechanics and I can't have it until (maybe) noon on Monday? That's THREE FUCKING DAYS of drying time, assuming that they really did paint it today.

No. HATE.

HATE
HATE
HATE

They have had my car for over a month now. It's fucking time to give it back to me. I'm so angry. They aren't helping. And I WILL be driving by the shop tonight to see if my car is sitting outside, unpainted. And if it is, I will HATE even more. Possibly steal car back. Fuckers.

Puffy Puppykins!

My brother called me yesterday around lunch time to tell me that Hunter's face was very swollen. He was acting normal but his snout and eyes were very puffy. I called my vet and they said to bring him in that afternoon. My normal vet is at least an hour away, so I called every place in town to get him in that afternoon. My last choice said I could bring him in at 2:30. I dislike them because they advocate spaying and neutering your pets too young and I disagree with that. It is not healthy! Anyways, they were the only vet in town that could take us. (Seriously? That's just weird.) So my brother brings Hunter to me at work, and he is a complete FAT FACE. His eyes were like bulgy golf balls and his snout looked just like those pictures where the animals head is seventy times larger than the body. He was happy as could be, though. Just slightly misshapen. And his snuffing around sounded a little different. The vet determined that it probably wasn't a snake bite, as they leave puncture wounds. So that left bad spider bite, or bee sting. Two shots later, and a $60 bill, he's no longer puffy. The swelling went down rather quickly after he got the medicine, and he was back to his annoying, demanding self. I brought him back to work with me where he was quite unhappy to not be allowed to run and play with the kids around him. And why couldn't he sit on my lap and whine? Surprisingly, he chilled the heck out when I started putting books away. He decided not to keep his head out the window on the way home, opting instead for my lap. He's still a bit mopey this morning, but it was quite an eventful day for him yesterday. Maybe he will learn that bees are NOT for eating. Somehow, I doubt it.

Good News

I can eat now! Well, I could on Sunday. It was great. Sunday afternoon we went to Denver because I had bought Wicked tickets for Mother's day. We went to PF Changs for dinner and I had lettuce wraps. I felt terrible before eating, very faint and on the verge of a very bad headache. But then I started eating and realized I could swallow without my throat swelling after two bites. After that I ate the whole plate of food. I made a mistake and put the special sauce they mix up for you on my first wrap, but I didn't do that twice. I can eat almost anything as long as there is no spice. Spice still requires vicoden.

After dinner, we walked to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert. I bought two pieces. Because I want to branch out and try different things. But I can't go there and not buy the banana one. It's just too damn good. It's better than any cheesecake I've ever had. Even the chocolate ones can't top the banana. But I keep looking for a better one. Soon, I'll accept the fact that there just isn't one.

Wicked was quite amazing. Somehow we had seats in a box, on stage left, which was great because they were much closer than the general seating and I could see some backstage action. Which might bother some people, but not me! Am such a techie. I am so glad that I finally saw this play, because I love the soundtrack and know it completely. I read the book too. The play is very different from the book, but that's ok because Maguire's book are really heavy. It's amazing they made a funny musical out of such a book. Although I cried during the song For Good. It's a fabulous song between Elphaba and Glinda. I remember after we graduated, a lot of people had the quote "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good" on their profiles. And it irked me to no end because it's not a happy song! I feel that that song sums up so many of my relationships. Relationships that are not all happy and sweet love songs. Ones that have been chaotic and difficult but also with equal amounts of moments where I can't imagine my life without these people. The best quote in the song is "who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good." I don't pretend all my relationships are good for me. Sometimes they aren't. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate them, and can't find some value in them. It's just very bittersweet, and the song captures that so well. Which is why I hated it when people used it as some happy, omg you are so my best friend kind of way.

Anyways. Wicked was great. I want to see it again. From a different angle, so I can see the complete set. After the show, we went down the fire escape stairs because we thought they led to the lobby. They did not. They did lead to downstairs back stage. And I am very upset that we did not "get lost" and wander back stage. Because we could have seen an awful lot of things that really excite me. And maybe some of the actors! But we didn't. We let a nice stage hand show us the back door. And we left by the smelly garbage. Sigh. Next time!

B-R-O-K-E

So my car? The one that's still not fixed? That's been in the shop for a month now? And they just figured out what's wrong with it? Like, maybe it has BAD GAS? And now I have to pay another 500 dollars to get that problem fixed? GREAT!

Because I'm not planning on moving to Ohio in a month. Where that $500 dollars I will be putting on my credit card might have come in handy when I am looking for an apartment and paying my bills while unemployed. No, I had no such plans. This blows, I cried. It's just not right, that my car went a hundred miles on a bad tank of gas and only after I got home did it die. (I mean, thanks for getting me home.) But to find out that it won't start now because of bad gas, something that's not my fucking fault, and now I have to pay a thousand dollars to get my car running again kills me. I was all set. I had my money ready, and now I need to plan around again and fix my budget and cut back more.

It doesn't help that I have surgery costs too. I knew I would, and I can handle that. I was just so close to being debt free. (Except for you, Sallie Mae.) My credit cards were almost paid off, I didn't have Dr. bills or random payments to something unscheduled. I was in the black! And it was wonderful. And now I'm a little bit in the red, and planning a HUGE change in my life. A change that I can't just back off and wait. I've done that too many times now. I want to be happy again. I want to see my friends. I am not supposed to be here anymore, it's time to get out.

Don't worry, I'm not going to let some little money issue subdue me. It's not the end of the world. It's just a little challenge that keeps kicking me down. Good thing I'm getting a huge income tax return, huh!

My Lips Are Moving

But you can't hear anything. It takes very little effort for me to move my lips, that doesn't hurt at all. But it takes a lot more encouragement for me to use my vocal chords and actually say something. It doesn't really hurt to take, but it seems like it's going to. So I don't say anything. Gonna make for a good day at work tomorrow! Not only can I not talk to people, I probably can't do a whole lot of activity, since getting up and moving around causes my face to flush and some tiredness to set in.

But I'll be there!

I've gone off the liquid pain meds for now. I took some this morning because I somehow slept until 11:30 and I hadn't had anything since 5 AM. But since then I've only had two Tylenol and I've been ok. I've even been able to eat, although it's a little bit harder to do now and it stings a bit. But I'm quite ready to be done with prescription pain meds and all the lovely ways they screw with your body.

It's been a rainy day today, and I'm glad because now I don't feel like I missed out on any part of Blossom. The arts and crafts fair would have been yucky to see in the rain. And carnivals shut down when it rains. Not that I could have done much at either of those two events, but I try to be positive in my planning. My bar boss was pissed I couldn't work the night of Blossom, but really what did she expect? I'm sure it's better to have a few dirty tables, rather than a trampled cocktail waitress who passed out and died from all the biker boots walking on her. They say things like that aren't good for business.

Notes From The Couch

Not a whole lot has happened in the past week. I've been on the couch, drinking liquid Coden every four hours, and watching many hours of TV. It's kind of relaxing, except when I try to eat something sharp and I'm reminded that I can't! I got so sick of eating sugary foods: yogurt, popsicles, juice, peaches, applesauce. I got my hands on some Miso soup and that was just what I needed. Salt! The pain meds worked really well, which may be a bad thing because it lead me to eating some pizza and maybe a few chips when I felt really good. Don't worry, I chewed it really well.

Hunter hasn't been the happy bundle of joy I thought he would be since I have been home for so many hours in the past few days. He ran away at least once a day, coming back extremely fat and bulgy. Stinky too. One night, he ran away in the middle of a rain storm and when he finally came back two hours later, he was quite wet and unhappy. We made him lay on a blanket on the floor and that cause the whiniest episode of his life. It was his own damn fault he ran away and we let him back inside, dried him off and put him on a nice blanket. But no, he wanted to be on my lap on the couch. Fat chance, Mister Hunt.

JBelle asked me this morning "where you tonsils?" She doesn't quite get why I'm sick. She knows my tonsils are gone, but she wants to know why the Dr. did that to me. Gramma told her he threw my tonsils in the trash, and she came really close to opening the cupboards to look for them. Now if that's not redneck, I don't know what is.