OMG. Am Idiot. Damn Google.

So, I've been under the impression that this blog is somewhat a secret. And I am naive. I've googled myself lots of time to see if this comes up, and it only does if I type in the name of the blog. So, safe right?

No. Silly, silly me.

Because I had a Xanga one before, when everyone at OWU was doing it and I had to join in! When I quit Xanga, I left everything up there and put the link to this blog in my last post. And a Google search will pull up the Xanga site and bring you right here.

Hi! I don't know who you are. I'm hoping you're not BB's GF, but then you'd have read my letter. Which may explain your letter to me on MySpace. Although, I must say, it's very cowardly to post a letter to someone then change your profile to public but keep the blog private. Doncha think? And while I'm on a soap box, do you not also think it's wrong to hate the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with while still staying with the man? Just saying. Hate the player, not the game... is that how it goes?

(Sorry my friend who DO read this. This is my way of NOT contacting her and giving her the satisfaction of knowing I saw that. I can't be the bigger person all the fucking time. I'm a girl after all.)

Anyways, back to Who Reads This. Honestly, I don't care. I feel like I had an awkward moment last Saturday when an former co-worker came by and we started talking and she knew so much about what I have been up to and we haven't talked in forever. (Hi! I remember I gave this to you, I'm glad you read!) But it was funny to me, and took me off guard because I've never had that before. And another thing is that I've stopped censoring what I am saying. I'm being, omg, Honest. No, I don't care if what's her face Googled me, found my old blog, came to the new one, and read everything. Nor do I care if someone from OWU reads this. If I didn't want people to find this, then I shouldn't have been so stupid as to make it public knowledge. But with all the drama of yesterday and seeing the letter to me, I started thinking about the things I've said publicly, albeit somewhat privately, and if I'm in the wrong too. I have a strict policy of not making my MySpace private, nor do I track people. I don't delete comments. If my MySpace gets to the point I need a private profile so people can't read what's on it, then I am deleting it. And I'm not judging those of you who do have private profiles because I understand why you do. These are my rules. I don't post things on MySpace that I don't want people to see, like this, so why would I break my rule in allowing this site to be Googleable? Big mistake! And perhaps I am paying for it.

I'm pretty sure that I know most of the people who read this and know me. I'm pretty sure She doesn't read this blog. If she does, I don't know why. And I'm not going to worry about it. But I have to say it's really hard to be the adult. To not give in to the part of my head that says "play that game." It's hard to know the truth of a situation because I am older and wiser in this game of relationships. It sucks to keep my mouth shut and my knowledge to myself because I'm going to be the bigger person. I don't play games. I won't ask her what she has to say to me because she has nothing to say to me. I'm the Ex-GF and she's the GF, but trust me, it is so much better on my side of the fence.

An Open Letter To The 19 Year Old Dating My Ex-Boyfriend

Hi. We haven't met. And probably never will. But I know just what you're going through. You're probably elated because you're dating BB. You're gushing to everyone about him because it's all exciting and new, there are parties to go to, and people to meet. Hell, you're dating the Canon City Kid. Everyone loves him. He's fucking famous. And he takes you to dinner, and buys you drinks (good thing you got that fake ID, huh? Too bad someone told me about it and I had to have you kicked out last weekend. Sorry, but not really. I'm a pretty cool ex-girlfriend, but I'm not that cool!) He's hard to get a hold of, but he usually calls you back. He's just a busy man, honey. Really, he's not ignoring your calls. Oh, and baby? He calls you that, right? Dollface? My love? Of course he does. It's because he forgot your name. But it's ok. It's been a month, he probably knows it by now. Speaking of a month, you are probably calling him your boyfriend. Or at least everyone is telling you that's what he is. What with the sleepovers, the dates, the way he looks at you, the pet names. It certainly seems serious. It's not, I'm sorry. It's not that he doesn't admit to "hanging out" with you, because he will, under pressure. But any attempt to fix your name (Baby) to "my girlfriend" just won't happen. He just doesn't want to be taken off the table in this girl's eyes(this being whatever girl he's talking to at the bar that night). He's not really cheating on you, (oh he is. Trust me.) he's just keeping his options open. I'm sure he's mostly sleeping with you. And the sex? Well, there's not much to say about that now, is there?

I know I'm being a heinous bitch right now. But you're 19. And 19 year olds are gargantuan imbeciles. It's ok, my brother is 19 and I don't think too highly of him right now either. I'm not biased toward you, the new girl, I dislike all 19 year olds. If I saw you on the street, I'd be polite. I'm so sorry BB is doing this to you. You're not ready to handle the implications of a man like him. You need to find your self a nice, 20 year old boy. This way you aren't stuck at home, wondering who BB is taking home tonight (Not me, although he has). And maybe when that 20 year old boy breaks your heart, it will hurt a little less. Because you are playing with fire and I guarantee you will be the one who gets hurt. That man is hurt by very few things, and you do not know him well enough to know where to strike. I did and probably do love him (not in love with him, mind you) but we had a relationship for a long time and I will not allow myself to regret it because I fought for it. But I wish someone would have stood in front of me, when I first started dating him, and told me exactly what he is. No one did. They stood in front of me, and patted him on the back, called him a "fun guy", and asked him for new tires. No one showed me what notch I am on his bedpost. And that's what you are, honey. Just a notch on a bedpost.

I Like Country

I usually don't deviate far from my angry, rocker boy bands when picking music for my car. I love my few indy bands that were given to me in college. And I like music that's really only acceptable in a bar after 10 PM and a three drink minimum.

But right now I'm on a country kick. There really is nothing better for a broken heart than a great country song. The rocker boys only get angry, unless it's Something Corporate and that's just too emo for me. The indy crowd is too philosophical about it. And I do not even want to think about "Smack that" right about now.

Country is just the right blend of anger and sadness. And also drunkenness, don't forget that.

Plus country seems to still have a large contingent of female vocalists, something that the pop culture seems to lack right now. Am I wrong in thinking that? So many artists right now are men, groups of men. Am I looking in the wrong place for women? I struggle to find a good female artist every week at karaoke and I almost always end up doing a song sung by a man. And I like singing country, since I'm better at country because I am country, but I also like singing songs people enjoy hearing. And I'm guessing my limit for the Dixie Chicks and Rascal Flatts are almost up.

I Need An Intervention Right About Now

I had a conversation with someone last week about how I have standards now, and those standards are no kids, no wife, no drugs, must have a job, and college. Hey! Good standards.

Let's go back to last Wednesday at the bar. I was behind the bar, and some guy kept talking to me. I don't remember his name, just like i don't remember anyone's name since they are not important and I don't care. Also, I must meet you at least three times and be told your name as many in order to remember you. This guy has two kids, his wife left him two months ago, he smokes pot, I'm pretty sure he's been to jail, and I don't think he has a job.

And he wants my number so we can go on a date.

Him: Go out with me.
Me: No, I just broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday.

Repeat. Like 4 times.

Fast forward to today. Same man walks into the children's section of the library. Where I am working. Without Deb, who I had previously warned that said man might come into the library and she was to make me go do something when that happened.

But now he's gone and gone without a promise of a date from me. Because I attract losers. Losers who show up to my work. And I dated the last loser who showed up to my work for five months. Gah!

*EDIT*

I know three weeks ago, I would have never posted that about BB. My friend may think he's a loser, but I know how that would make him feel and I was never one to hurt him. Perhaps he was never as aware of my feelings and how his actions may affect them as he should have been. And while that's wrong, it's not as if I haven't had that happen to me before by someone who did love me, who still does love me, and who I still have a meaningful relationship with. People can do awful things to those they love for reasons that are so beyond me. I'm sure I have, and I don't know if you can point out someone who hasn't. So I don't really mean to call BB a loser. But he and I both know that I am far too amazing to be with him. And those are his words, not mine.

The Day After Tomorrow

I will be in Sunny Ohio on Friday. Except the weather tells me I'm bringing some nice snow/ice mixture with me. But the temperature should be in the 30's so that's a nice change from 8.

I booked this trip with two intentions. One was that I am truly trying to move to Denver and it may be the last trip I can take for the next 6 months or so. And Two is that BB was supposed to be in Utah by now. And the trip would serve as a nice distraction to me while he was getting ready to leave as well as a escape once he had left.

But he's still here.

Don't get me wrong. I am so excited to see Annushka. I haven't seen her since last February and that is far too long. I cannot believe we've gone so long without seeing each other, yet it doesn't feel like a year. I'm so glad that I was able to convince her that my coming in January would be fine.

But it is one less week in this relationship I have with BB. I know my relationship with Sally, Sarah, and Kirstin is going to last. We've been out of school for almost two years and we still keep in touch. We get excited for visits and plan more. I don't know how much time I have left with BB. I have no illusions of us "staying together" once we are apart. We are not the couple to try and work things out long distance. I have no doubts that we will keep in touch for a while, and there will probably be a visit or two. But the relationship I've invested myself in for the past few months will be over soon. And like he said, "it's better to have something rather than nothing."

I have many somethings.