Could It Be?

No. Still here. Maybe having contractions when I walk around, but I could blame that on lack of water and my new discovery of Braxton Hicks.

No baby. Ask tomorrow.

Fine, Just Stay There!

I had my last appointment at the office yesterday. I was writing a check to the front desk girl and I commented on how weird it was that I wouldn't be back for a while. She said they get that a lot.

I had a stress test on the baby, and everyone who walked in to check the little printout from the monitor commented on how active the baby is. I'm even having contractions. Who knew! Certainly not me. That's the kind of contraction I get behind. I forgot to ask how dilated I was, but I do know the Nurse Prac. had a really hard time getting to my cervix which means that the baby hasn't engaged much. So even though my belly has dropped remarkably, I'm still not quite there. Had the ultrasound tech been in, they would have done one to check the estimated size of the baby but no such luck. Not that it makes a difference. Still going to have a baby on Tuesday.

We check into the hospital at 9 PM and they will be putting Cervadil on my cervix to ripen it. I've been alternately stressing over the logistics of being induced and trying not to think about it. I don't understand how they can force a baby to be born with drugs when it's quite obviously saying "I'm not ready yet." It seems to me that would cause labor to be unnecessarily long and horrid for me. But my books and Chris assure me that applying Cervadil will ripen my cervix and the pitocin will jumpstart the contractions. Unfortunately, my books do not have all the information I want to know about being induced and I'm not about to Google that. I may be pregnant, but I'm not that crazy to subject myself to that. Thanks, Books. A whole lot of good you do me. I don't even want to owe What To Expect: The First Year.

In other news, I realized yesterday that I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions! Holy shit! Had no idea. Honestly. I've been telling my doctors for weeks that I'm not having any of those. But when I was driving home from the valley yesterday, I realized that this hardening of my belly was not the baby pushing against me but a real life contraction of some sort. Now I wonder how long I've been having them and been utterly clueless.

I'm going to be a fabulous mother, no?

Livid AND Pregnant

I picked up my car from the shop this morning. It had been sitting in my carport since the 4th of July and CS and my brother had made a few attempts to figure out what was wrong and fix it. They tried new spark plugs, which fixed it for a day. Then it refused to work the next morning. CS determined it was a fuel issue, specifically with the fuel pump. If you remember back to April of last year, when I got into an accident in Denver and had to pay for body work AS WELL AS a batch of bad gas (cough*sugar*cough) while recovering on my couch from having my tonsils removed. I didn't think it could be fuel related because I just had new gas lines put in! So CS and I put off fixing my car for the past two months because we didn't want to put in the $300 it would cost to get a new fuel pump that he could install. Plus, he got the bike to ride to work and I could take the truck and we'd save some money! (Except the bike has worked about 5 days out of the two months we've had it and so I consider it a big fucking waste of my savings when clearly I need to pay Cobra.) My mom and brother gave me money for my birthday this last week and I decided that I had had ENOUGH of depending on other people to get me around. So the fuel pump was purchased and CS went out on Friday evening to install it. And LO! My car started up on it's own when he decided to turn the key for the heck of it. The service engine light was on, so we rushed down to Auto Zone to have the codes run to see if we could find out what was wrong. It pulled a code for some failure in the air system and that's obviously not what was causing my car to simply up and fucking die when I needed it.

So brilliant, pregnant me suggested that we drive it down to the valley the next morning when we went to celebrate my birthday. Why I thought this was a good idea, I have no clue. Why CS went along with it? I may wonder that till the day I die. So we left for the valley around noon on Saturday, but left the keys to the truck in case something happened and we needed my brother to get down to use and help tow it back. (See, some planning!) And the car worked great all damn day. Started up just fine every single time we made a stop. Until we got out of the theatre at 1:30 AM. Car. Dead. And my brother was no longer available for helping as he took off with the family I currently despise. He was in Mesa, just like us. But incapable of helping us to get anywhere. So one cab ride, one hotel night, one rental car, one trailer, and only one emotional meltdown later we got my car to a shop back in Globe. And over $600 later, I have my car back. Not only did he have to replace the fuel pump, one that cost me $150 MORE than the one I had sitting on my kitchen table.

It gets better.

The man who fixed me car showed me my old fuel pump. Specifically the part where someone welded it back together. FUCKING WELDED IT BACK TOGETHER. Pardon me? Did I not just have all my gas lines replaced because I had a batch of bad gas? Hmm, City Auto Plaza? How the hell did you think you'd get away with welding something back together when you are supposed to replace everything thing fuel related when bad gas is present? Obviously a brand spanking new fuel pump would not have been welded together. I just couldn't believe it. Still can't. I'm so angry at this dealership in Canon. They did a scandalous thing and I'm paying for it. They thought they were just swindling my insurance company but in reality they just fucked over a pregnant woman who doesn't have an extra $600 when she's paying Cobra a grand a month just so she's not stuck with a ten thousand dollar hospital bill. I'm half tempted to fly back to Colorado right now, with my old fuel pump and shove it down someones throat. My insurance company can't help me, but he did tell me to take it to them and demand an explanation and at least attempt to get my money back.

However, anger does nothing to induce me into labor on my own. Neither does stress. Or I'd have this baby weeks ago. One shining spot in all this? Cobra has received our election and the check so we're good. I overnighted another check and they will get it tomorrow for September. This way they can't try and tell me it's late when I have confirmation they received it before the 1st of September. Yay for me being on the ball!

No Show

My realtor called me last week and wanted to know if they could bring someone by to see the house. They think they want to live here and if they do, we get to move out on the 1st of October and still keep our deposit. So I agreed. Despite the fact that I am 39 weeks and I have my brother and his wife living here and my house isn't in tip-top shape. I wore myself out last night getting everything in order, or at least the appearance of order. I told my brother to stay away until after 5:30. And I got home by 5:15.

My realtor never showed up, but the woman and her kids who want to live here did. I showed them the house, but I'm not sure if they are going to want it. I think it might be too small for her liking. Hopefully she does. Then I can get out of my lease and figure out a new mode of operation. This involves picking between staying in Globe and moving away to a new place. On the list is Denver and Austin, so that's kind of rough. Sucks to pick between so many places I enjoy. Woe is me.

39 Weeks.

The end is looming, ya'll. Oh my goodness. 39 weeks. Whatever happened to 25 and how very far away the end of August was?

No, I still don't want to talk about labor.

So I've been in weekly appointments for the past three weeks. My first check was soft but no dilating. Second check, soft but no dilating and the head was off to the side. Third check, soft and dilated to almost a one and the head was down on my cervix. Sweet, one centimeter down with no contractions. Score points for me! At my 37 week check, my Dr. told me that they would like to put down a date for inducement onto the books at the hospital in case I go over my due date and when I want to be done with pregnancy I can simply waddle down to Labor and Delivery and induce myself into having a baby. She said this wasn't something I had to stick to and I might go into labor on my own and not need it. But the hospital we are going to deliver in has fewer spots for inducement and they fill up quickly. So at 37 weeks, I told her I would think about it and let her know next time. I went home to CS and told him I wouldn't do it.

Then 38 weeks hit, and I am scheduled to be induced on the 2nd of September. Assuming I don't go into labor on my own before that time. Unlikely, considering that I'm only dilated to one and I've had no contractions. Zip. Not to mention the fact that my Doctor, very lovingly, put her hand on my belly and said "I just don't think you're going to have a small baby." SIGN ME UP. Ok, not really. Yes, I could protest that I want it to be all natural. That means a stress test every seventy two hours and I live an hour away from the office. They won't let me go past 41 weeks. Inducing on the 2nd is 40 weeks and 3 days. Or it's one week past 40 weeks if we go with my due date calculated on their little chart. But if we go from the Hobbs ultrasound, it's also my exact due date. How do you know? Do you demand that it's a natural thing? Or do you allow the "hitting the wall" feeling to convince you that you're done. It's been so long and you're just done.

I know part of my wanting to be done stems from all the stress I've had in the past few months. CS leaving his work, having to use Cobra, pinching pennies like you wouldn't believe, feeling trapped because we can't move until the baby comes, CS's job not working the way we need it to, fighting Cobra because they are the new bane of society. Pregnancy hasn't been a happy, glowing experience. I've been worried a lot, mostly about financial things. I can't contribute much since we live in a small town and finding a job to pay me better would be hard. We couldn't move or we'd lose our deposit on everything from the house to the electric and water. Just blow a grand? Maybe in the long run that might have been smarter, who knows? I can't predict the future. I never wanted to bring a baby into the world when I felt so out of control in my own life. So if they are pushing me to induce a little before it would naturally come around, maybe that's ok. Waiting to have the baby is what's holding us back from falling into a black hole of debt. CS can't leave me and I can't go further than one hour from the hospital right now. In a month, we can move. I am sad to leave, I like this little town and I think we could build a life here. But there is no work here. Not for me. Not for CS. And I have too much debt and he loves his truck too much for us to stay and eke out a future. Plus, there's a job in Denver. How nice it would be to go home for a while. Let our families get to know their newest edition. And make sure we don't raise a baby at sea level, because who would want that!

Naps Are For Babies

I've become sloth-like on the weekends. I don't get up for walks in the mornings, I let Hunter outside at 6 and go back to bed till 8:30. I lounge around the furniture, taking a nap in the afternoon for an hour. I try to avoid the stove. I get the house clean, although it's nowhere near deep clean. It feels very wrong to be so lax. Part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't be so exhausted at the end of the week. Come on, I sit at a desk all day. The other part of my brain, obviously the stronger part, tells me to take it easy. This is the last month I will have as a non-parent. After August, I will be in a mama to an infant who is going to demand a lot more of my strength and energy than anyone else ever has. Who cares if I don't get the carpets deep cleaned before baby is born. I need all the rest I can. Not only for what comes after labor, but because I'm also carrying around an extra 40 pounds on my body. (Ok, 38 but that's just for my peace of mind. I'm sure for everyone else, it's 40).

There is nothing pressing I need to get accomplished. The crib is set up, the pack and play is ready. I have ordered the cloth diapers and they are on their way. I need a dresser and a changing table pad and a diaper bag. Those involve a trip to Target and I have an appointment in the valley this week. I can't buy clothing until I know what I'm having. I'd make extra food and freeze it but I lack the energy and freezer space.

I'm 13 days away from my due date. THIRTEEN. Yet I have no premonition that I will have this baby before that day. I'm not dilated. Baby's head is not engaged. No contractions to speak of. No dropping. Just a soft cervix and the opportunity to schedule an induction. I will probably decline the offer to induce after 40 weeks. If we get to 41+ weeks, I will agree to one but not before that. I've thought all along that this baby would be born in September. I think it's proving me right.

Luckily, Cobra paperwork was sent out on Friday so we should be able to elect that by early next week. Just in time, too. I completely believe that was all in God's hands. Cobra's capable of dragging us through the ringer, but things are looking up. I'm going on a tour of the hospital this week. CS can't come because his job is sending him to Tucson for Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm not sure how that came about since I thought they were clear on the "No trips after the last trip because of the chance of LABOR" but they must think that Tucson doesn't count as "far away." I'm not worried, but I think CS has more apprehension about it. Labor is bound to be a long process because I've never had a baby. First babies don't fall out. But his concern is appreciated and well noted. However, if he's really concerned about us? Perhaps he could cook dinner on his days off. Standing that long is really too much for me.

I Think She Was Curious

I had my weekly appointment yesterday with my favorite doctor. The results of my internal exam are the same as the last two times. Soft but still no dilating. She explained to me that the baby's head needs to move down more to sit on top of my cervix, then I will be able to start dilating. My measurements are fine, I gained a pound, and my blood pressure is normal. She spoke to my stomach and told the baby to kick once if it's a girl and twice if it's a boy. Baby responded by shaking it's body. I take that as a firm "NO". My doctor? Took it as a reason to have an impromptu ultrasound.

Sure, sure, she claimed it was to make sure that the head was down like she thought it was. She said she liked to just slap on the ultrasound and confirm when there was an doubt. But when she gooped me up and found the head, she then zoomed around and found the neck, back, and the feet and hands. Then she made me look away while she checked the sex. Again, she claimed it was so she knew where to avoid, but I really think she just wanted to know. My doctor is the only person in the whole world who actually knows what I'm having! The injustice.

I must really not want to know, since I didn't even try to sneak a peak. It wasn't until later that I even thought about how I could know! Would make things so easy! Then the name picking wouldn't be such a process and maybe I could buy some sex appropriate clothing before hand. But no. I didn't cheat.

Baby looked good, the Dr. said. Head was down, although baby was laying on it's side with it's feet and hands on my right side. We could see it playing with the cord. Like my Dr. said "That is not a rattle!"

So far, so good. Hopefully I show some signs of progressing next week. The options for going over my due date are not enticing. Stress tests and induction. Whatever happened to give it two weeks? I also tested positive for group B strep so we will be stuck in the hospital for 48 hours after I deliver. CS is stoked because the hospital has flat screen TVs in every room. like he's going to want to watch TV. Honestly. Someone get that man a diaper and put him to work.

Morning Romps

Hunt and I are still going on two mile walks in the morning. Thankfully, I found a nice road to walk without having to hike up big ass hills. Because between Hunter pulling, my huge belly, and weak ankles, I was about to give up exercise entirely. This road is mostly flat, with a little incline for a challenge. It's also void of housing. Which means no annoying dogs to bark at us or cause Hunter to pull anymore than he already does. It does have a delightful assortment of wildlife. From cottontail bunnies to road runners, we never know what we might see. However, there were two things last week that nature did NOT put on the side of the road.

A used condom and a bottle of pee.

At Least This Means I Get To Sleep More

"I've got good news and bad news," CS told me on Thursday afternoon when he was headed home for the day. "Pick one."

I opted for the good news first but he wouldn't tell me because it spoiled the bad news. Good news: "I won't need any gas money for next week." So what's the bad news?

"They are sending me to Lake Havasu for all next week."

WHAT! Why? Why? His company couldn't get any of the jobs they have lined up for the next few weeks to start this week. So they are sending him a few hours away to work. It was either that or not work at all. And that's not an option. It's fine, really, that he goes away this week. It does mean he can't come to the Dr. with me, nor can we go to the hospital and register together after my appointment. He's driving down to the shop tonight and taking a company truck to the job site. He'll be back on Thursday afternoon. He's already told them that he absolutely cannot go farther than Phoenix area in the next two weeks. Not with my due date looming at two weeks when he gets back. Hopefully, they will have figured something out with their new job sites.

It's too bad that we didn't decide to live down in Mesa area when the trailer idea didn't pan out. We could have saved ourselves a lot of money in rent and gas had we known that CS's work life would change so drastically. As it is, we'll probably more out of this house at the end of September. Find a small two bedroom somewhere in town. I don't foresee CS driving to Mesa everyday for long. Or we will be moving to a new state in October. I don't really know what the plan will be, I just know we have options once we aren't tied down to this location because of our lease and the baby being born.

On the bright side, if we move I need to get furniture and dishes. Which means IKEA!

36 Weeks

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's me and you. Have you thought about this? This whole ludicrous idea that I'm actually going to have a baby, it's real? This can't be true. There's no baby, I just have a wriggly growth. It's making my feet swell and it makes walking around and standing a lot harder than it should be, but that's not a baby.

Honestly, have you thought about this? I sure haven't.

No, I don't have that magical bond some women get with their unborn children. This is not real to me. Yes, I would be devastated if I lost the baby; if something were to go wrong, I would re-act like a human does to tragedy. But this baby isn't a baby to me. Yes, it pokes me and I poke it back. I laugh when people try to feel movement and the baby stops moving, because baby never halts for me. I suppose we have out little "connection" but it's not based on reading children's books before bed or private conversations with my hands on my belly. This child's heard "fuck" more times in utero than it will ever hear in real life. Pregnancy has been a condition that I've had for months now, but the realization that is ends with a real baby is a little shocking to me.

I'm not scared, I know I can handle being a mother. I know I can make it through labor and delivery. Post-partum has me a little nervous, mostly because I've been so damn emotional. I can get my body back into shape, adjust to breastfeeding, and the lack of sleep.

I'm just having a hard time connecting the dots between being pregnant and being given a baby that my body has already been carrying. Because me and wiggle worm here? We've never met.

Splitting The Worlds

Last night, CS and I went out to the lake to meet my brother along with some people he used to work with. This included the two adults I'm most disgusted by in recent events. When CS left his company, it seemed that the men he worked with, men he considered to be his good friends, turned their backs on him. He would call and never get a call back. Meanwhile, my brother would come home with stories about how one man in particular was spouting off assvice about how my brother needed to "get out on his own" and telling him about apartments opening up down the street from them. It made me absolutely furious. This is a family that asked my brother to pay them $800 a month to stay at their house for months. Never once did they offer to find him a place in NM while he was there, waiting for the job to end. Never mind how many times they have had to borrow money to make a payment on time, or had their cells shut off because they didn't pay for months. Talk about responsible.

Last night was the first night we all got together since New Mexico. And I only went along because I brought my own friends. Which may have been awkward for them because our groups didn't mingle much. But it was dark and late and we weren't there for fishing. I sat on my friend's tailgate with my friends, and CS went back and forth between the two groups.

I've never been dependent on CS's work friends to make my life in new places comfortable. I've found my own friends. I don't want to move from place to place without getting to know someone new. I suppose to be honest, I'm not particularly fond of the people he works with. They are fine acquaintances but no one has come close to being a friend to me. This does not frustrate me; I'd prefer it. But it does make it awkward when my world and CS's world collide.

Imagine This

For the last three years, a big part of my life revolved around a little red-headed princess. I didn't get to see her nearly as much as I would have liked and I was constantly thinking about her. She's been the image on my desktop. The image on my cell phone screen. Almost everyone of my contacts in my phone book have a picture that involves her. The only photo in my bedroom is one of her.

I don't think I've loved her like a mother loves a child. But I've loved her more fiercely that I've ever loved someone before. I was devastated when I decided to move away from CO to get out on my own and figure out my life. I felt like I was abandoning her when I should stick around to make sure she never felt excluded from her family. She still breaks my heart when I talk to her and she asks me to come over to Gramma's house.

Is it any surprise, then, that it makes me a little sad to know that in a few weeks I'll have a baby who is going to take over her place in my life. I know I'm going to love my baby endlessly. This baby will soon be the star on my desktop and the photos in my cell phone. I just don't want to feel like I love her any less.