Apparently, Santa Did Bring Gifts.

Not true, but there were gifts under the tree on Christmas morning that weren't there when I went to bed so Gramma claimed he showed up. Jacob didn't leave any cookies but he found the breast milk in the freezer.

Jacob got a truck load of presents. My mom didn't do much since she's practically supporting us and I'm fine with that. She buys him something new nearly everytime we leave the house together so Christmas is a weekly thing for him. We just don't wrap them. CS's parents did the whole "first time grandparents" thing and drove two hours to get him a bouncy horse toy on Christmas eve. He got three play yards, a Bumbo seat, multiple light up toys, clothes, and money. I think I'm going to buy him a wipe warmer when I take back all the duplicate things he has received. Because we need to have warm wipes on cold mornings. For the baby butts!

I had a splendid Christmas. Full of cooking items and KitchenAid mixers. I learned that Pyrex makes measuring cups larger than four cups and I've decided that I MUST HAVE ONE. But I didn't see any at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. So I got an adjustable measuring spoon. It does not compare.

But now we are back to normal. No more holiday gatherings, just home for a few days. Much laundry to be done.

Tooths.

Mah baby is getting a TOOTH. He's only three (almost four) months old! And there is a bottom tooth coming in. I found it yesterday, somehow I decided to rub his gum and I felt it. Today you can see it, just an itty bitty spot of white coming through him gum. I suppose this explains the sudden onset of drooling, all those little outfits soaked with baby spit. What I don't understand is why he has been so easy going. No out of control crying or tantrums. Just the same sweet little boy who gets upset when he gets tired because it's too exciting to sleep. I am so lucky to have such an amazing baby.

I had a meltdown today. Completely lost my composure after talking to CS and I sat on the floor next to Jacob in his bouncy seat and sobbed. When I looked up, he was watching me. Grinning his toothless, gummy smile because Mama is making funny noise. It's really hard to be sad after that. He makes everything so good. Even right now when things are very bad, I am at peace with Jacob. He is the best thing in my life and I cannot regret him. I love every minute of being a stay at home mama to him.

Our future is so uncertain right now and I'm worried about what is going to happen. Everyday I feel like I reach a breaking point, yet I have no courage to talk about it. I'm out of options, tired of fighting, on the verge of apathy. Somedays it's like we are just beating a dead horse to see if we can make it move. I never saw this coming.

All I Want For Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas Jacob gave to me:

Twelve baby laughs
Eleven toothless smiles
Ten fingers clutching
Nine teething rings
Eight duckies quacking
Seven bathtime splashes
Six diapers changes
Five fuzzy blankies
Four squeaky toys
Three pacifiers
Two spit up rags
And a baby with a bald head!

Check Your Baby At The Door

That's pretty much what I do when I walk in to CS's parents house. Unless I'm feeding him, I don't get to touch him. This is hard for me because I spend every other minute of the day with him in a two foot radius of me. Except for the times I successfully manuvere him from my body to the couch during a nap. Or if someone else is holding him, like my mom or his daddy. Except during those times, he's probably watching my every move with those blue eyes. So all the creates some tension with me when I walk in to a house and must surrender my baby. I'm also convinced that it affects him when this happens because it's like taking away his main source of comfort. However, no one is taking away that damn pacifier.

I honestly shouldn't complain. I'm glad that they are so proud of having a grandchild and I know that they love him. I'm sure my mom is different from them because she gets to see him so much more, but it's hard not to compare. My mom likes to watch him with me where CS's parents seem to get their pleasure from being with Jacob. They are different in their methods of play, too. Not everyone can be a baby person. Somehow, it runs strongly in my family. Not so much in CS's. Although, I'm still miffed at how my mom can get Jacob to laugh for the first time, make noise while patting on his mouth, and flip him around on the bed with no crying. Maybe she's the baby whisperer.

Here We Go Again

So CS got laid off yesterday. The contracts the company had for the next few months fell through and they don't have anymore work for him. So he got on the phone and started calling people he worked with in the past and found a company that's hiring for a job in Port Arthur, Texas. The Fort Collins idea won't work because they only want to pay him $24 an hour which does not cut it for us. See: Truck, Student Loans, Rent. But the job in Texas pays well and gives per diem. So as long as he can get on with them, we're going. Not sure when, because it's Christmas and all. But bills don't just disappear during Christmas time.

I'm ok with leaving. Of course it makes me sad to leave with Jacob because I know everyone is going to miss him. Especially my mom because we're living here and she gets to see him on a daily basis while CS's parents see him about twice a week. I'm sure they will miss him, but it can't be the same. I'm going to miss having people I know around, but I know that we aren't leaving forever. Ideally, I'd only like to leave long enough to get out of debt from the baby and CS leaving LPR. Save a little money and come back.

We told our families about the Texas plan and they re-acted exactly like I thought they would. CS's mom didn't tell him not to go, but she made a lot of comments about how Jacob wouldn't have any Grandma time, and what would he do! And my mom said nothing about how she wold miss us. It's just one of the ways our families are wildly different. His family has a harder time with them being gone. My mom has never made an issue about me leaving. I know we both think about each other and wish we could be in the same place but know it's not practical for the two of us. That's how is should be, a parent shouldn't make their child feel guilty for doing what's best for them. That's the whole point of raising your children right, that they become capable adults who do what needs to be done. I will never discourage Jacob to stay close to home because I want him close. I want him to go off to college, as long as we can afford it, and see other parts of the country. I guess what I'm most worried about is that his parents will convince him to stay by dropping small comments about how far away we will be, how they'll miss us, how Jacob needs grandparents and family, etc. I don't think CS and I have reached the point where our family is above his family. Maybe I'm wrong. Just another thing to work on.

Roll Over

Jacob officially rolled over today. He's done it before, but it was sort of an accident and he hadn't repeated it until tonight. So I guess those small snatches of "tummy time" have paid off. My boy can push up with his arms so his head it up and he can roll over. Bonus parent points for me. Now I just can't leave him alone on the changing table or the couch without being propped in place. Not that I would ever do either of those things on an hourly basis.

I went to Planned Parenthood today and got some more birth control pills. Rather convenient, I think. Of course, it's not as cheap as the co-pay on our old health insurance but twenty five is not bad for pills. Why can't they be free again? At least we won't be having no more babies for a while.

And on a side note, Colorado has a program for pregnant women. Moms on Medicaid. This would have been useful, oh about SIX MONTHS AGO.

Planning

I went to Planned Parenthood today to look into getting birth control though them so I don't have no more babies. I asked about an IUD, too. But those suckers are about $500 without insurance and at that rate, I might as well pay for birth control because it'd equal out to that amount at two years and that's when I plan on having another baby.

Anyways, while I was standing in line to make an appointment, I noticed the teenage girl in front of me. When she got up to the window, she asked for her prescription then picked out eight condoms from the candy condom jar next to the window. I thought it was cute. Way to go, teenage girl. I applaud your wisdom.