Defining Moments: Engagements

I woke up before Jacob did on Christmas morning. This isn't unusual, since he can sleep until 10 some mornings. But this morning I was ancy, waiting for him to wake up so he could go open his box of Cheetos. First we woke up CS, where he was sleeping on the couch because there isn't enough room for us on the full sized bed at my mom's. Then we woke up Gramma and put on a kettle of hot water. Chris put on Christmas music and started putting gifts in piles. We let Jacob open most of his at once, waiting in between each one so he could enjoy them before ripping open a new one. The box containing his bag of Cheetos was the biggest hit. He started jumping up and down, squealing and signing "more" when he saw the bag. Then everything had a residue of orange dust on it. My brother got him a mini ball pit that required being blown up without a pump and I'm proud to admit that I did it without getting lightheaded or passing out.


After Jacob was secure in his ball pit lair and watching his new DVD of The Best of Elmo, we started opening our gifts from each other. I got CS a kit for making beer since he never gets to buy it now. He got me an iTunes card. There was also a construction calculator, a KitchenAid mixing bowl, a knitted cowl, a pillow, and small things in our stockings. Christmas in a recession is a lot more practical now.



After all the paper was cleaned up, Jacob, mom and I were playing with his toys and CS went out to his truck. When he came back in, he handed me a little gold box with a white bow. I was surprised, as the last thing I was expecting was a little jewelry type box. I tried to open the bow and ended up ripping it off before CS showed me how to peel the bottom part off. Once I got to the white hinged box, I popped it open and there was a diamond ring. My mom was exclaiming "oh my gosh" and I can't even remember what I said. I think there was gasping on my part. Then CS got down on one knee, right next to the ball pit and asked me if I'd marry him. I said yes, and eventually remembered to kiss him. He told me about the ring and got me a little sizer so it wouldn't fall off my finger.



So we are engaged. It's very surreal and since I can't get my ring back until Wednesday, it seems even less likely that I will be planning a wedding soon. You never know when those defining moments of your life are going to spring up on you.

I'd leave you with a picture of the two of us and the ring but I have none. There is one somewhere out there, but I will have to track it down. I hope your Christmas morning was as much fun as ours!

Merry Christmas!

I have been busy shopping for groceries, cooking a cheesecake, and making these for Christmas dinner! Not to mention the bazillion crafts I had to finish before tomorrow morning. I made owl ornaments for all the kids in CS's "other family" so I don't feel like a total loser when they give Jacob gifts and we have nothing for their children. My plan for downsizing Christmas a few years ago is not working when you meet people who have gift swapping traditions.

I can't wait for tomorrow morning, when Jacob can rip open his bag of Cheeto's and mac and cheese. We'll take better photos this year and hopefully he doesn't take a nap through it like last year. We're having dinner with my family at one then it's off to CS's grandma's for her dinner because it's "always at two" and we'll open gifts with his family in the evening. I can't help but wish that we had our own house to wake up in and traditions to make with Jacob but maybe next year. 2010 will be better, right?

I must go make rolls and frost the cheesecake! I'll leave you with this:

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am one felted bag away from being done with Christmas. Well, that and taking a few picture of Jacob and having them developed for CS's dad's frame from last year. We draw names for his family so I don't have to buy him a gift, but I am making things for everyone else but his brother and his sister's boyfriend and since we live at his house I thought I should make a gesture. I really should be taking photos of the things I've made but something is wrong with me as I keep forgetting the camera and then I wrapped everything. I have to go by CS's house tomorrow for things like Pampers, clothes, and lotion so I will try to remember the camera.

CS got back from his work trip last night and Jacob was overjoyed to have him back. He refused to take a nap until after 2 and slept until 4:30 when we woke him up so we could go into town. CS had to go back to his house and get the sink snake for the kitchen drain after coming over this morning and I sent Jacob off with him so I could have a break and they could have alone time with his parents. I'm not going to lie. IT WAS GLORIOUS. I took the dogs for a walk and I haven't felt more lighthearted in a while. I put my favorite songs on the ipod and bounced around the block, high off being alone. I didn't have to entertain anyone, or worry about cold fingers or wind on his face. I haven't walked Hunter without Jacob since the week before Jacob was born. That was almost 16 months ago. Oh, wait. I went on a walk once without Jacob when we first moved back here. I left Jacob in his crib and told CS, who was sleeping on the couch, to listen for him. And I came back to a wailing infant and a sleeping CS. I was pissed. This time was much better now. When I got back, I got out my sewing machine and whipped out a final clutch. I was sewing without interruption at before noon. This NEVER happens. It was like I finally realized that I could do something without Jacob and we could both be happy. I see now why other moms enjoy letting other people take their children for a few hours. It's like regaining yourself. I've been in a co-dependent relationship where the only thing that matters is the male factor and I never got to do anything without checking with him first. But now, I see the light!

But Jacob came home and the first thing he did was hug on me. Then demand some food. And juice. The cycle repeats.

Dishwashing, A Cautionary Tale.

The sink at my mom's is clogged with something. I suspect it's a bell pepper stem that managed to avoid getting chopped by the disposal but I guess it could be something else. My mom put a bottle of drained opener down it last night but it hasn't worked as of this morning so I had to do something about the mound of dishes next to the sink. The dishwasher is full and since we can't run it, that wasn't an option. So I loaded up a laundry basket of dishes and went to the bathroom to run a tub of water and wash them, on my knees and fighting the shower curtain just like the pioneers use to do. After unloading half the basket into the sink, I started to wash a few and realized I needed to be on the other side of the sliding door. So I scooted Jacob over and went to stand up and knocked over the basket of dishes that was perched on the toilet lid. There there was a shower of broken glass and the baby started wailing. I only broke three glasses and only two of them were the nice ones. I guess it could have been worse. Like I could have been alone and had to clean up glass with a weeping toddler and a tub full of dirty dishes so I didn't have anywhere to stash him.

However, I have to go now because the baby is sucking on the end of the cord from the vacuum cleaner and I'm pretty sure that's not good. Also, Barney is on and I haven't taught him how to change the channel yet.

Ten Days Later

NaBloPoMo should have prompted me to write here more. I'm going to blame Christmas on this last absence. I am busy with knitting and occasionally sewing. I am *this* close to being done with crafting for everyone but I have at least one bag to knit, two hats to knit, and either two bowls to knit or to clutches to sew*. I should probably knit up two bowls since the recipients are both capable of sewing but not knitting and I cringe to think of them checking my stitches but the clutches are so much quicker! I sewed up four in about 45 minutes, and that's with fighting my machine because it didn't want to go over four layers of fabric. Why does my machine hate twill? Twill is so nice! Except it also ruined my rotary cutter and I don't want to buy a new blade.

Jacob and I are at my mom's for an indefinite amount of time. CS is in, well, somewhere in Colorado...by Durango? Off Highway 50? I don't know, honestly. I know the hotel he's in but not the town. Hmm, anyways. My mom had a procedure on her sinus cavity and gums to start the process of getting an implant for the tooth she had pulled due to an infection; so instead of staying at CS's house while he was gone, I packed up some bags and moved home. But now his parents are re-doing their bathroom so his mom wants me to stay here until that's finished. It's perfectly fine for me to stay here, but I hate that Jacob's crib is not here and that he refuses to sleep in the pack and play for longer than an hour. And when we return to the crib, I have to fight him for a week or so about sleeping in his crib for at least three hours before joining me in bed. The boy needs his own room. Which!

We may be moving into CS's brother's house when he returns from his trip. We'd have two rooms, I think and it's in the basement but Hunter could join us! We would be out of his parent's house! The only problem is paying utilities. We wouldn't pay rent because the house is owned by his family. It's perfect, sort of. Perfect in the sense of getting us a place where we can be a family but not so perfect that it's our own house with no roommates. In Jacob's entire life, he has only spent 2 months with just us under a roof. We have lived with my brother and his wife, my mom, then his parents and now his brother, possibly. Now we just have to pray that CS's job starts paying him what he deserves and we can get our own place when he starts getting VA checks for going back to school in January. Maybe by June I will be able to wean the baby and get a part time job. I actually have someone to help me watch Jacob starting in September. She's having a baby in April and she offered to watch him a few times a week if I wanted to go back to subbing in the fall. I am optimistic**!

*SarahB-Uhh, surprise? Pick one!
**woah, who am I? Optimism? What is that?

A Boy and His Hose

Jacob has a thing for hoses. I don't know why. Maybe all kids have this. Or maybe just those of the male persuasion. I suspect it has to do with his long standing love affair of water. But it doesn't make sucking on a hose any less gross. It's a good thing he's got charm and adorableness in abundance.

Oh, December!

Remember when I used my Wells Fargo card as a farewell to pay for my jewelry? Then I was going to cancel it so I wouldn't have a higher interest rate? Well. Turns out they like to TRICK you because I called on the 30th and she informed me that I had to call before midnight on the 29th to cancel the card. Screw you, Wells Fargo. You've been put on notice.

CS called me this afternoon to tell me that I could go cash his paycheck that he was given on Monday with the instructions to not cash it until Tuesday. Except apparently, he was supposed to tell me when to cash it after he got the go ahead from his boss. I deposited it on Tuesday afternoon, as he told me Monday that I couldn't cash it until tomorrow. They are on notice too. You don't give your employees a paycheck then tell them to wait a few days when the only money they've had for a month totals $400. Have I said how much I hate this job lately? No? I do. A LOT.

However, the fire department just paid off because CS walked in with a big check and we can now afford Christmas pesents! And have money in the bank when his crazy, expensive, too many stikes on his record truck insurance automatically withdrawls from his account in a week. Granted, for all the time he spends on calls, this check probably only pays him a nickel an hour. But as long as he enjoys it, we'll take it. Booyah.

Victoria's Secret is also on my happy list because they sent me a $10 off card for any purchase. Which means I will be getting something new on Friday. But it's up to me to decide if it should be for me or for a gift. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with giving of the "free" things I've gotten this past week because I have been so broke for SO LONG that any little thing where I can get something just for me that my mom doesn't have to pay for is awesome. Like my free jewelry and now a sponsored trip to VS. This is also why I'm going to use my Banana card to buy gifts and use the cash to pay for the bill. Because they give me rewards and I miss shopping. It's the little things!

Well, I Almost Failed

I was about 15 seconds from putting the computer to sleep and getting into bed. I almost ruined my NaBloPoMo posting for the month on the last day! That would be a shame.

Not that I really have anything to share. CS got paid today but they want him to hold his check until tomorrow because they claim that the hundreds of dollars from investors are being wired in this week. coughbullshitcough. So I paid bills tonight and I will go deposit that check tomorrow. Because we need the money and Yo, that holding checks shit is ILLEGAL. Luckily, the paycheck is a "full" paycheck instead of half but it's only full because it's for 20 hours less than usual.

Jacob went from 1 Pm to 9 PM without any nursing at all. He ate a full string cheese, some noodles, a few bites of pear and banana in between those times. I am proud of him! We're getting somewhere with the eating solids. However, he nursed at least four times before noon so that kind of cancels the evening out.

Baby's awake! Drat.

Little Things

Jacob's tear stained face crumpling with relief when I come get him after church. He wasn't crying, but he had been and he is so relieved when I finally appear and take him away.

When cats come up to us and let Jacob pet them. He loves kitties, but kitties are not so keen on him.

My new black boots. Who says you can't enjoy something from Walmart.

Wearing jewelry again.

New episodes of Sesame Street. Specifically the one with Big Bird and moving to a new habitat. Something about pelicans trigger Jacob to belly laugh.

Macaroni and cheese. Except NOT the bunny shapes with white cheddar.

Baby Carter

My mom just got back from Alabama where she was visiting my brother, his wife and their new baby for Thanksgiving. None of us have met Carter and the pictures we have seen are few. He's adorable and I can't wait to see him at Christmas!


The flaming cloth in the background is a spit up cloth that I made for them. I just took regular cloth diapers and sewed the fabric to them, turned them inside out and sewed the opening closed. It's not my finest work, but these things are designed to catch spit up milk, so who's judging?


Jacob has the same moose toy that's above Carter's head. I asked my mom why she got him that and she said it's so they have the same thing as each other. Sweet, but recipe for disaster.


That's a milk drunk boy, I bet you!

Sunshine In November

Yesterday was a balmy 34 degrees, according to CS's temperature gauge in his truck. Neither of us agreed with that because it was nice enough to lounge around in the grass outside for most of the afternoon. Jacob's cheeks got rosy because his "Thanksgiving Approved" outfit was too warm.

He understand what we mean when we say to kick the ball, even though he can't actually move it with his foot.

He really likes to open the fish food can, which lead to a lot of wasting fish food in the grass. Consequently, it was put away until today when he got it open again.

Today we got up early because the sun shines into our bedroom at my mom's house. I managed to clean the house a little, discovering that Jacob is suddenly afraid of the vacuum cleaner. Luckily, he doesn't cry but he does run as fast as his chubby legs can take him to a position behind the sweeper. I cleaned the spots on the carpet from where pear butter popped out of the pot on to the floor and when Hunter had a pig-food gorging related accident when my mom was away from her accident. Jacob took an early nap, and I shredded to reduce the amount of pounds I will gain from dinner last night. When he got up, I tried to feed him Mac and cheese but the bunny shapes must not have been appealing. So we showered, bathed and lotioned up. I got him to eat some noodles because he kept trying to rip my bra off and get to a nipple but I refused on the grounds that if you don't eat real food, you don't get boob anymore. We drove off to go see CS when he got off work and not two minutes after we walked into his house, Jacob puked all over the floor.

That was fun. One minute I'm eating a cookie and the next I'm covered in baby puke. Jacob was a little shocked and confused. He later took a two and a half hour nap so I think he's fighting something off. But now I'm wary about whether I should walk around without a bucket. There was no sign he might throw up, just suddenly happened and luckily we were on a tile floor. And his daddy cleaned it up. I'll take poopy diapers over cleaning up baby puke any day. And that's saying something.

Thanks, You.

Thanksgiving is almost over. I am home with an exhausted baby in bed and eating my daily allotment of chocolate before I'm off to climb in with Bugaboo. Today was good, for the most part. Jacob and I spent the morning together, I got to workout and he mostly whined about being tired because he got up too early, again. We went to CS's house and the waiting for dinner began. Luckily, there was lunch since we did not eat until almost 5. Eating late puts a huge damper on going back for leftovers, but I suppose that's a good thing. CS's family has a tradition where they write down five things they are thankful for and read them outloud at dinner. This is a perfectly good idea in theory. But for people like me, it creates something of a panic. I'm not very good at spilling my emotions. I don't make loud professions of things that I love or what I feel grateful for in my life. I am not saying that these things aren't evident to those who know me, but I don't feel comfortable being so brutally honest about the way I feel about things and people. So I get self conscious and write meaningless things on piece of paper and flush when I read it because this makes me uncomfortable.

But here, I can be more honest. There isn't a room full of people that I hardly speak to unless it's a holiday watching me profess the things I am thankful for. You are either strangers or close enough to me that I actually gave this address to you and you follow along with all my other triumphs and mistakes. You see it all.

So here is my list, if I can be perfectly honest and shameless.

I'm thankful for Jacob, he is my whole life now. And the thought of leaving him, even to work, paralyzes me with sadness. I want to spend every day I can with him, be there for every new thing and teach him even more. He is what I've waited for since I was a child myself. I was born to be his mama.

CS. Even when things are bad, he's my partner. We are at a low, low point in our lives and our relationship but I'm trying, we're trying. I am thankful that he has faith in his company and he wants to succeed. I'm thankful he's going back to school to get an education. I know how much he loves his son and that he still loves me. I'm thankful that he still opens my car door for me when we go someplace together, without the baby.

My mom. She has been so generous to me since we moved back. Without her, Jacob wouldn't have diapers and I would be running for my life from Sallie Mae's henchmen. She makes sure I have gas in my car so I am never trapped at CS's house when I don't want to be. She buys me new clothes when I need them and shoes when mine fall apart. My favorite foods are still at her house and she never gets mad when we have to rush out and leave her living room a mess. We hardly go a day without talking, even though we may only see each other a few times a week. I hope that my children have the same relationship with me as I do with her when they are older.

Hunter. I haven't been without a dog since college. I never realized how much I depended on him to make me feel safe. Especially when I don't have CS at night, I hate waking up in a dark room and feeling that annoying fear of not knowing what's out there. Hunter has only once growled in protection of me but I do not doubt that he would be a great defender if I needed him.

And I'm thankful for all the benign things that people always say, a house over my head, food to eat, a place to worship, a car to drive, and quite few luxuries even in my poor financial state. I'm most gratefully that I stay home with Jacob, even though it seems I may not be able to enjoy that much longer. I cherish it.

But I can't say these things to people I do not know very well. I can not look out into a crowded room and bare these parts of me. I am grateful. This is how I show it.

Self-Medicating

Tonight requires a glass of wine. I'd have more, but it'd just mean I need to go to bed so one will do.

Today was actually quite lovely for most of the day. I got up early and went over to finish my jewelry order. I ended up getting everything I wanted except one bracelet! Somehow, I got $180 in free jewelry instead of $150. I had to spend a little to get what I wanted but it's ok! I used my Wells Fargo card as a Goodbye, I'll miss you much present.

After my jewelry orders were placed, I left for a playdate still buzzing from all those sparkly things I will be getting next week. Jacob was kind of a pill because he doesn't know how to SHARE and he was hungry but after feeding him some chicken nuggets and pizza, he took a nap. And fell off the bed. But he was fine! He went back to sleep and took a long nap; where he woke up much happier although still without the ability to share. It was nice to sit and talk to my friend while her little one slept and her older one watched cartoons. We swapped labor stories and talked about vaccines and working. It's nice to have real friends again!

In the evening, we went over to CS's house because his grandma is up for the holiday. Mostly I watched TV in the basement as they are undertaking a huge redecoration/remodel at the moment and 4 people is too many in one small room in my opinion. Plus, I feel huge tension whenever I'm in a room with his mom so I just take myself elsewhere. I offered to make scones for breakfast tomorrow and I was met with absolute silence so I guess that's a no?

I know I need to take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship between his mom and me but we really need to not live in the same house. I am angry, hurt, I miss my boyfriend and our son misses his daddy. I want to get up in the mornings and lay with CS and Jacob and watch cartoons without having to go upstairs to his room. I want to fall asleep next to him and know that he's stiff from sleeping with our baby too. His mom has stolen six months of our lives together and why? Because God told her too? I don't understand.

Now, I'm here at my mom's. Alone. Because CS wants to spend time with his grandma and my baby is sleeping. My family is all over the place this year. Tomorrow, I will wake up with Jacob and we will be alone. No one will be here to greet us. There is nothing here for me to cook or prepare. I didn't offer to prepare anything tomorrow because my recipes are considered unusual and odd at his house and I'm not making something for everyone to avoid.

I don't understand how things have progressed to this point. How I feel so trapped and helpless. Where did I go so wrong? What have I done to deserve this?

I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be thankful, I promise. Here is my reason:

We Did It! We Did It!

I made my ten orders for my party. Of course, my friend who does the business put in an order to get me through those last two orders and CS's brother's girlfriend totally saved my ass at the last minute. Thank goodness for the magic of Facebook and status updates. I got to ten and made the dollar amount of $500 for the company so I get $150 in jewelry. Which if you are familiar with the jewelry? Doesn't get you very far. So I'm trying to decide if I should get two pieces that I would never buy on my own or get three more affordable pieces.

I guess there is always next time! I can throw her another party in a few months and see what I can get at that point. Right before the holidays is either a good or a bad time for having a jewelry party. I totally convinced my brother to get his wife a ring based on Christmas presents alone. He thought maybe he should get her something more useful and I told him that no man can go wrong with getting his woman a piece of expensive jewelry. Find me that woman who hates jewelry and I will convert her. Good jewelry is one of the best conversational starters EVER.

Oh, which means that I just talked myself into getting the HUGE blue sparkly ring that I have been coveting. And maybe the pearl necklace. If only I could just use my credit card and buy all my favorite things. I mean, I am closing my Wells Fargo card this week since they want to raise my interest. Don't I get to use it one last time, for old time's sake?

Hot Mess

I never liked wearing my hair in a pony tail for long. I never liked photos of myself when I was wearing no make-up and post working out.


I used to get up at 6:20 every morning during the week so I could work out and walk the dog. I used to go to work everyday and wear pretty clothes and jewelry.



I used to care if I didn't shower before noon. Not showering was reserved for late nights after going out to the bars or weekends when there was nothing to do but watch the Food Network and lounge.


I never understood why people wore yoga pants all the time, or talked about yoga pants, or wished they were back in their yoga pants.



But so much is different now. I like it.

Coming To A Zoo Near You

Today, I took Jayden over to CS's house after church so we could play there for a bit and CS could see Jacob. Since it was so nice outside this afternoon, we were all outside for a bit in the backyard. Jayden was playing on the stepping stones in the gravel between the house and the garage and she stopped hopping for a moment to touch the garage door. The door has peeling paint hanging in strips halfway down the door and Jayden reached out to pull some off. I stopped her and she asked why it was peeling. So I told her werewolves did it. Then, remembering how she is now afraid of the dark and spent half of last night sleeping at the foot of my bed, I asked her if she knew what werewolves were. She said "yes!" and I said "yeah right, where have you seen them?"

"At the zoo."

Hello Internet!

I've missed you. It's been, like 36 hours but who's counting?

Last night, after CS and I had dinner, a mish-mash of leftovers with at least one thing cooked to complete the leftover part, I went downstairs to turn on my laptop and get to my general assing around on the Internet.

And the wireless was BROKEN.

So I made CS go look to see why it was broken and it turns out that his mom painted her office yesterday and had everything turned off and the desk pulled away from the wall. CS told me he couldn't fix it because it couldn't reach or something? I don't know, I don't understand. All I knew was that he was telling me it couldn't work and my brain cannot compute that.

CS: I can't plug it in.
Me: Just move the desk over and plug it in?
CS: Can't.

Me: Can you get an extension cord?
CS: No.
Me: Why not?

Repeat. I tried to nag him into doing it but apparently my charms don't work on him anymore. Obviously, the sex appeal is gone.

So I called my mom and made her post a photo and maybe something from her but blogging isn't really her thing and she kept asking me what to say so I gave up. Anyone else want to guest blog for me?

guest blogger

gramma gramma and jacobey pat a cake

2010

I got a letter for my 5 year reunion today. Mostly just a reminder that it's happening in May but also a little bit of a prompt to get some numbers on how many people are coming. I TOTALLY want to go. I haven't been to Ohio since before Jacob was born and I miss it. I need it! So much has changed and it's not the same as it was when I left over four years ago but it's still a little bit of home to me. I've been thinking about this reunion for at least a year and I am bound and determined to go. I want CS to come with me since he's been to Ohio but I didn't go with him and he didn't see much of where I was. Of course, Jacob needs to come so he can meet everyone. I just need to find a baby sitter so that I can go to the Backstretch at least once! I can leave an almost two year old with a stranger (to him), right? He'll be sleeping through the night by May, right? Something to strive for, I guess.

Since I haven't been able to go back to Ohio for over a year, I'm finding myself constantly wishing that I could be here for one thing or another. I think about college and crazy things we did or funny things that made me laugh. I miss it. And I know I miss it so much because it's easier to think about the past than face what I'm dealing with now.

Nothing has ever been as good after a night out at the bar than a Hot Potato with everything. No wonder I gained so much weight in college.

The art gallery openings were so much fun until word got out that free wine was served to all and everyone came to get wasted.

Literary dinners at Olmstead's made me feel like I wasn't a clueless idiot. In my snobbier moments, I can lay claim to a long conversation with Dave Eggers about the gypsies in Russia and ice cold shots of vodka but mostly it was just about food, wine, and the occasional deep philosophical conversation in front of the fireplace glowing with candles.

Lunches with a huge table of Kappas and going back for dessert almost every time. Again, no wonder I had high cholesterol there.

Many, many late nights at the theatre. Hanging out in the dark, wearing all black, playing "never ever" like high schoolers. Lunch in the lobby, squeezing in on the couches or crowded around the tables. Working in the office, venting to my "college mom" boss about whatever I needed to get out.

When I was there, I knew that life would be a lot harder on the outside. I knew I couldn't afford to go to school there but I certainly wasn't going to leave in the middle of it. Nothing has topped those three and a half years I spent there, even though not all of it was easy or good. But it was safe and life here in the real world is anything but. I want everyone to experience what I had. Even if it makes life afterwards a little harder. I wouldn't be me without OWU.

I have to say it, sorry, it's just too perfect to not say it: I am OWU.


Goodnight all!

Day 18

I've hit a wall in thinking of mindless drivel to post here. I blame it on my day, which was uneventful but pleasant. Oh, the baby learned to say "here kitty kitty!" It's more like "he ki ki" but we'll take it. The boy loves kitties. Won't touch them but really likes to follow them around.

Dinner tonight was awkward. No one talked and I have a sneaking suspicion it's because this parents know that CS slept in bed with me for a WHOLE HOUR last night. Until the baby woke up and there was no room for him. Or he had to go switch his laundry, something like that. It was a nice hour though. It's pretty sad when two people who have a baby together can't remember the last time they went to bed together, as a couple. Seriously, we cannot remember. And we don't get to blame it on a job or living in different zip codes. We blame it on God fearing Christians who think we're going to hell because we had sex outside of marriage. Luckily, I do not adhere to that kind of thinking or I imagine life would be pretty hard to live. Since I can never reach perfection, no matter how hard I try. It's NOT POSSIBLE. I am a dirty sinner. But since I believe in Jesus and I strive (and fail!) to be more like his example, I don't go to hell. I may have a little 'splaining to do when I get up to Heaven. And I know our life is not "God's Best" but we're trying. I'm not perfect and I know I can't be but I don't live my life fearing that every little sin I have is going to cast me down. I don't think that's my fate. But I'm saddened that CS's parents must live this way and I can't imagine growing up with the fear of hell and damnation always in the background. My dad could get a little freaky with the End Times and Rapture but I just learned to blow him off. We have a life to live and a purpose to serve. So I'll do my best and pray for forgiveness.

On the other hand, what if his parents found my blog! That should open a whole post up for me about censorship and why I FAIL at that and how I have no plans to change that. You come by this blog from Googling my name? Then it's no different from peaking at a diary or checking up on someone. Don't pry unless you can handle the consequences. I've learned this the hard way, believe you me.

I guess I did have something to say after all. I should probably stick to talking about what Jacob can say and how many times he farted before he went to sleep (4).

But in any case, it was really nice to fall asleep with CS next to me.

Soccer! And Why I Don't Play

I have a fervent desire to see Jacob play soccer when he's older. I don't know why, except maybe because it's the only sport I have ever enjoyed playing or because I think kids playing soccer is the cutest thing ever. I'm sure CS has his own desires to watch Jacob play football or softball or wrestling but I don't really like any other those options. I also want him to take dance or gymnastics because it's good for kids to be flexible! I feel that I have a strong case for his first sport to be soccer as my friend gave him a soccer ball before he was even born and I don't think they even offer other sports for little children besides teeball.

But mostly, I just like this picture because he looks like he's posing. My little soccer model!




I was never into sports growing up. We did softball and for most of the time I was in the outfield, with my glove over my face like a mask. Or catching pebbles with it. I didn't see much action until my parents were the coaches and I got lucky if I was assigned a base. I believe 2nd was my favorite. In high school, we were required to play at least one sport a year so I signed up for soccer. I was really bad. Only worse than one of the Korean girls on the team, and I never started a game until someone got hurt. I later realized that I had horrible shin guards that gave me shin splints but I didn't realize this until after college. The cleats caused me to run really awkwardly, with my back hunched over. I had a big enemy on the team, who later became my best friend even today and she told me that I ran so badly that even the coach thought something was wrong with me. I saw a video of it once during the senior year in review video they play at the end of the school year and I finally realized why no one liked me. I looked damaged, in the head and body. I haven't played soccer again.

But I have great faith that Jacob will be just fine. I'll make sure to get him the good cleats. But I will be keeping CS from telling him to sacrifice his body for the game. I don't think they have much of a concept of that at 5. And I'd like to keep him injury free for most of his life, so let's keep the pep talks to a minimum. Ok? Good.

Not Me! Monday

While making cookie dough this past week, I certainly did not allow Jacob to stand on my box of knitting/sewing supplies and pull out all of the silverware from the drawer and throw it on the floor. I also made sure to remove all the steak knives first so he wouldn't spy one and grab it blade first. Not that it would matter, as the knives are so dull they can't cut through bread. (this part is true!) And after he had pulled out everything, I surely would not just stick it back in the drawer. Actually, the floor was clean because it had to be for my party.

Just under the wire for NaBloPoMo. Now it's time for this bad mama to go to bed. To be joined shortly by the pajama clad skeleton boy in his last pair of clean socks. But don't worry, I would never let his sock pile dwindle so low that he didn't have at least one more clean pair for tomorrow. I won't make him sleep in socks and then wear them all day. Or will I?

The Truth About Santa

Growing up, my family never believed in Santa Claus. My parents weren't into perpetuating the story and they wanted the focus to be on the birth of Christ and not on getting presents from the man in a red suit. We still had the tree and the presents but we never went and sat on Santa's lap for pictures, never wrote letters, or hung up stockings and put out cookies. Once, a woman asked my brother if he was a good boy and if Santa was going to bring him presents and he responded with "there is no Santa! The UPS man brings the presents!" And I think that is an excellent answer. The UPS man was one of our favorite people in the whole world. Because what kid doesn't like getting a box full of surprises? And why shouldn't the UPS man get to see the joy?

Before I had Jacob, I used to tease my mom and tell her that my kids were going to believe in Santa and she'd have to play along because I wasn't going to let my kids get the short end of the stick on the childhood fantasies. I thought it'd be so funny to make her pretend that Santa was real. But for the life of me, I don't know what I thought I was missing.

CS's family did do the Santa thing, which is odd to be because they adhere to a strict "Christian" code. His mom used to pull them out of school on Halloween because it's a bad, bad pagan holiday and full of Satan. But they used Santa as a way to mollify their children when they asked for expensive toys for Christmas.

It should come as no surprise to you that I am firmly in the pro-Halloween, No Santa camp and CS is in the No Halloween, Pro-Santa side. I guess we came to an agreement when I said that I would only keep the Santa secret if we did Halloween. I will never allow Jacob to dress as anything demonic or overly scary so I don't feel that Halloween is a bad holiday. In my research of the day, it seems more of a time of crossing over but not Satanic. It's a time to remember those who died and honor them, rather then get freaked out by teenagers in scary masks.

I'm still having a hard time with the Santa concept, mostly because it involves lying to a child. And the thought of taking him to the mall and standing in line to see Santa is even more horrifying. I pledge to never take him because at some point he is going to realize that Santa should be in the North Pole making toys, not in front of Walmart and ringing a bell. So those Santas are going to be "helpers" but not the real Santa. Real Santa only reads letters. My other deal with CS is that the big, fun, much longed for toy comes from us. I do not want to pay hard earned money and give a fictional character the credit. I want those big blue eyes of his to look at us and squeal when he opens whatever item is trending that year.

I'm still not sold on this idea of Santa and how to go about allowing him the fantasy but not crossing my own boundaries of comfort. I'm glad I have at least one more year before he has any grasp on the concept. I'm glad that this year he will open presents and still be inthralled with the paper more than the toy.

Party!

My party was on the small side. Three people small. Technically, four but the last one came over just before we packed it all away. So now I have to get at least six people to order before I get any of the Hostess benefits. Soooo anyone want to order some pretty, sparkly jewelry? It's very nice and well made, and has a lifetime warrenty! Even if you break it five years from now! Personally, as a mother to a small monster, this last bit is quite important to me. If you do want to see some of the bling, please go here: Silpada and then let me know if you see something you like!

I personally want this, this, and this. I've only just begun to wear jewelry again since Jacob was born. I never went anywhere when he was little and wearing earrings was just dangerous when he couldn't understand "nice touches." But now that I am trying to dress a little more like I did before a baby and nursing took over my life. Which means I can wear nice shirts and pretty necklaces and dangly earrings without worrying that it's going to be spit up on, broken, or pulled from my earlobes.

I hope someone out there can take a look and help me fill my remaining six orders. Don't let all my pizza making, brownie baking, and wine buying go to waste! And if you feel cheated by getting jewelry and not getting the delicious food? I will sent you some brownies. Extra chocolaty, gooey brownies.

Crappy Pictures Of My Creative Obsessions

This is a clutch that I made from a sewing book called Bend The Rules Sewing and I like it, even though it made me call my sewing machine an asshole. Sometimes my machine has a problem with tension and it screws up things like visible stitches. This clutch might also be the reason why I know Jacob can say "oh shit."





The wrist warmers were sort of an experiment. I could not find size 6 needles with 8 inch circumference and I'll be committed before I knit a whole project on double pointed needles. I stole the idea for just binding off and making the thumb hole from a pattern I read in the yarn store. It worked, mostly but it also messed up the pattern I had going on. That and I didn't follow the directions for the first one quite to the letter and it's a little wonky. But I don't mind because I am a lazy knitter.




The scarf is maybe my favorite right now because I didn't screw it up too much. I need to make a buttonhole and I don't actually know how to do that so I'm wearing it wrong when I do wear it. Which has only been once because it's 70 degrees out there and I wish I had a tee shirt. Although it's supposed to be nasty tomorrow, so YAY! I used scraps from my "birthday purchase of scrap goodness that cannot be used on other things." So far, so good. I had to stop myself from using some yesterday in a birthday gift. Actually, I failed but I used fabric I didn't like.




The scarf is not for me, but a professor from college. When I told a friend this, she replied with "because you slept with him." Which I did not, but I got this yarn 4 years ago with the intention of making him one for Christmas and see how quickly I got to that project? But it's ok, because he's writing great novels now and I can just pass it off as a "congrats! You are published and more famous now!" gift.



These pictures don't really do these projects justice but I forgot my fancy camera so I made do with my mom's. I also forgot my favorite project which is a cell phone case but I also messed that one up by being lazy. I really need to focus more on getting it done well over getting it done RIGHT NOW before the baby wakes up and it's all over until tomorrow.

Meatloaf, Again

I have a slightly unhealthy fixation on meatloaf right now. Mostly because it's easy and tasty and since I don't spend much time at CS's house during the day I need quick meals that satisfy his need for meat. starch, vegetable. I'd prefer meals with just a starch and a vegetable but the carnivore in residence would probably complain, or just eat a hot dog right after dinner. Cold, no bun, no condiments. And that's just gross.

I haven't been very creative with food lately. Thus my many meals of meatloaf, spaghetti, pork chops, burritos. Rinse, repeat on a weekly basis. It's sad. I'm sad. I miss buying groceries and making new things. While I'm sure CS's parents would get things I might need, it's just an annoying hassle to have to ask and plan since they don't grocery shop as often as I need. That's the nice thing about being at my mom's. I don't feel bad going to the store and getting things I will cook at her house, because she sends me shopping for her. Then she's happy because she has real food in her fridge. And I'm happy because someone likes what I cook and it doesn't go to waste. You never realize how disheartening it can be to cook and while people might eat it? No one compliments it either. Everyone likes a little recognition. And that's just not something that happens here. Or when I have my own place. CS is very bad about saying nice things about dinner or anything I cook. The only thing he has ever raved about? The car bomb cupcakes by Smitten Kitchen. You should have seen my jaw hit the floor when he started going on and on about them to his friend and how he had to try them, as they were awesome. Hell, I still want to make them on a weekly basis so he'll keep saying how good they are.

But while meatloaf and car bomb cupcakes are tasty, they lose their sparkle after weeks of repeat. I guess there is a freezer full of pork that I could mess with. I have a hankering to delve into something with curry. Any ideas on curry and pork? Is that even allowed?

Baby's First Cuss Word

"Oh shit!"

I did not teach him this. Do not look at me. No, stop raising your eyebrow. And grinning. IS NOT MY FAULT.

Really, do you think this face could be capable of saying such things?



Other gross and/or naughty things he's done since turning 14 months? Farting multiple times while nursing and pausing each time to giggle, with the nipple still in his mouth. Poking my in my lady parts with his index finger when I got out of the shower and giggling like a manic when I shrieked and batted his hand away. In hindsight, that might have egged him on because he likes to hear me freak out. This evening, we had a battle of the wills over whether or not Jacob was allowed to pull my shirt down and coo adoringly to my boobs before reaching down and pitching a nipple. That battle ended in tears. Luckily for my boobs, his tears and not mine. Boy has got a grip!

Boys are gross. But I forgave him when he spent the rest of the evening on my lap, watching Youtube videos of Sesame Street and the parts of Glee with singing.

Babies Are WEIRD.

Jacob has a new quirky obsession. It's partially my fault because he saw me doing it and thinks he should do it too. He likes to chew on my fingernails. I do it all the time, particularly when I'm stress (hence all the time) and he saw me doing it the other night. So he took my hand, stuck my finger in his mouth and started clicking his teeth against it, but his tongue was between my nail and his bottom teeth. Then tonight he did the same thing as he fell asleep. Took my finger into his mouth and used my nail to make little clicks. I guess I could let him nails grow a little longer so he can use his own finger but somehow I don't think it will work.

Sometime, at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do it go wrestle with a toddler about laying down and going to sleep. When he was little, and we lived with my mom, I loved it when she could put him to sleep. She'd come home from school and he'd be fed and pajama-clad with a binky in his mouth. She'd rock him and he'd fall asleep as we talked. It's harder now, as I am the only one who has put him to bed for months and some nights I wish there was another option. I think about when he's weaned and I can pass bedtime duty off to his daddy. But then I will miss his warm little body, clad in pajamas and socks next to me. The way his body gets slower and his head moving back and forth on my arm as he tries to shake himself awake. The hand that constantly searches for the other breast, trying to find the nipple so he can hold onto that as he nurses, as I smack it away until he gives up and falls asleep. The sound of his lips still sucking after I remove myself from his puckered hold.

Almost always, I stay longer than necessary in bed with him after he has fallen asleep. It's comfortable and peaceful and nothing on TV can be as amazing as this. Too soon, he will go to sleep alone. Too soon, he will go to sleep with someone else. So I will keep being grateful that I get to be here for these moments. That I get to put my son to bed. That in my presence, my son is comforted and drifts to sleep in my arms. Not everyone can say that, and there might soon be a time when I do not get to be so lucky.

I think I'll keep him. Fingernail chewing and all.

Not Me Monday! Single Parent Edition

I am having a hard time with what is going on with the MckMama family and their son Stellan. I think mostly it's because our babies just look so much alike with the blonde hair, blue eyes, big toothy grins, and only two months apart. I'm sure most of you don't read MckMama so the short story is that Stellan wasn't supposed to be born alive, but he was an since he was four months old, he has been in and out of hospitals with a condition called SVT which causes his heart to beat too fast. Or at least, I think that's what is wrong. I was supposed to go meet him and his parents this week at a blog meet-up but it's cancelled because Stellan is going in for a procedure that might only have a 20% of doing what it's supposed to do. Not to mention that it's still heart surgery on a one year old. I'm praying that he comes out of his surgery healthy because that's all I can do.

But in the spirit of MckMama, here's my Not Me Monday! confession.

While staying with my mom, I made sure that Jacob slept in the pack n play when he went to bed or down for naptimes. I would NEVER let him sleep in my bed just so I can enjoy an evening of playing on the sewing machine and drinking a glass of wine.

I would never let him fall asleep at ten till five PM just so I could get dinner made without a whiny, overtired, CRABBY child clinging to my leg or perched on my hip as I sauteed ground pork for stroganoff.

Nor do I put on Sesame Street in the evenings when I need to get something done or there is nothing on TV. My child only watches forty five minutes of TV a day. No more than that, no siree. Since TV rots children's brains and causes ADD, of course.

Small Things

Open mouth kisses from Jacob. Usually with tongue.

Yoga pants and a thermal long sleeve shirt from the Gap for free. I used my Banana card for small purchases when I didn't have CS's card on hand and they gave me $30 in rewards cards.

Toasted coconut shortbread dough chilling in the fridge.

Seeing christmas presents early because my mom can't wait to show me when she comes back from a trip.

A pile of mostly finished crafts in front of me. I had a lovely weekend of trying to learn how to sew better.

Someone else playing with the baby! My mom is back and CS is on his way back from Denver. This means that I have to go back to his house tonight, but the single parent lifestyle is over.

Hunter And Jacob

Staying at my mom's the past few days, we've been enjoying ample dog time. During the day, Hunter mostly stays outside so even though we're here daily, he doesn't get to spend much time with us. Mostly by his choosing as he thinks it's better to be outside here. Unlike when we have our own place, where he would like to be with me every single minute. This causes issues because he's bad dog here at my mom's. He digs holes and worms his body into the pig pen to eat their food. Hunter doesn't actually play with Jacob, unless Jacob is eating. Then Hunter is at least three feet away, waiting patiently for Jacob to be done, drool hanging from his mouth, anticipating being able to scope the floor once I get Jacob out of his chair. Jacob learned the other day that he can drop food into Hunter's mouth and we had to stop that nonsense RIGHT AWAY. The kid doesn't eat enough as it is, I don't need another reason for him to not eat the food I make. Although, somehow Jacob got a hold of the cup of chicken noodle soup I was going to feed him, and while my back was turned he dumped the contents onto the floor after taking a few noodles for himself. Hunter was more than willing to clean it up. And the only reason I know they did this? I found the empty container on the still damp floor.

I miss having Hunter around. Jacob loves to hang on Emma, much more than Hunter, but he's been known to play with Hunter the same way. Like tonight, when Jacob had a late nap and would normally be very crabby, he's happy playing in between the dogs as they lay on the floor in front of me, begging for snacks. Jacob can be rough with them, as he likes to poke their eyes, pull their ears, shove his finger into their nostrils. His favorite thing to do it run up to them and quickly pound his hands onto their backs as they try to sleep. Fortunately, we have very good dogs and the most they do is get up and move away. They must not be smart enough to move into a different room, one with no lights on. But I am thankful for my dog babysitters. Sheesh, it's the only way I'm going to get to post anything at all tonight. So it might as well be a big thank you to Hunter and Emma for putting up with the Squawly Thing.

They have come a long way from this:




This was in Alabama and it's blurry but it's still a photo of the two of them!

Don't Shoot!

Ok, I know I promised pictures but I have no camera. Since I'm staying at my mom's, I left my fancy camera under Jacob's crib. I figured I could just use her camera while I was here if I wanted to prove that I really have been crafty. Except the woman who can hardly take a photo at any function to save her life? Took her camera. I have my cell phone but that's not really the best way to document.

So instead I have a pizza recipe! It's an adaption of Jim Lahay's pizza bianca and Smitten Kitchen's pizza with peppers.

For the dough:

3 cups flour
1 tsp. yeast
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. sugar
1 1/2 cups water

Combine the dry then add the water and mix with a wooden spoon. Once the dough has incorporated most of the flour, shape in to a ball and place in a bowl oiled with olive oil. Cover and let rise for three hours.

Once the dough has risen, take it out of the bowl and place onto a well floured counter and let sit while you get the toppings ready.

For the topping:
four strips of bacon, diced and fried
1/2 onion thinly sliced and caramelized in the bacon fat
1 bell pepper, thinly sliced
1 tomato, thinly sliced
8 oz. Mozzarella, shredded
1 clove garlic, smashed and chopped
1 cup tomato sauce
1/2 tsp basil
1/2 oregano

Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Place pizza stone in oven.

Combine the tomato sauce and the spices together in a small pot and let them simmer. Once your toppings are cooked and sliced, you can roll out the pizza dough. Split the ball in half and roll out one half. I had to use plenty of flour to keep it from sticking to the counter. I don't have a pizza peel so I use a metal pizza sheet and cover it with flour and cornmeal to keep the rolled out dough from sticking too much. Once it's rolled out and on the tray, assemble the toppings. Make sure the pizza can move around on the tray before you quickly slide it onto the hot baking stone. Bake for 15-20 minutes until edges are golden and cheese is starting to brown.

Slide off the pizza stone and let cool a few minutes before slicing. Enjoy!

5 Days In

And I almost forgot! I was too busy making a scarf and then I got into bed before remembering. Too bad there is a sleeping baby in mine as I am housesitting for my mom while she goes to a conference on hunting.

Pictures of craftiness to follow tomorrow!

Old Navy, You Owe Me a Seamstress

For less than $6, I got a bra, pair of underwear, yoga pants, and a henley long sleeve shirt at Gap and Old Navy today. I had reward gift cards from using my Banana Visa card for miscellaneous purchases when I didn't have CS's card on me. The only problem with my purchases is that my yoga pants have a hole in them. Thanks, Old Navy. Glad I paid $15 for these. Except I didn't pay at all. (To make matters worse, I just received another flyer to use my card four more times for another gift card.)

At Gap, I got a real bra. It's the first "real" bra I've gotten since before Jacob was born and I only got it because it was free. And I'm sure I will only wear it for a few more months and then it will cease to fit when I stop nursing, which co -insides with the time that I can wear a bra with underwire and no unlatching cups for easy boob access. I hear that there are such things as customized nursing bras but I have no idea where such a shop would be. For the first nine months, I wore cheap, elastic, 3-clasp, unpadded, no underwire bras until the elastic digging into my side and the awful uni-boob wore me out. I got two "normal" looking bras at Target but they come in two colors. Black and white. My new bra is pink and lacy. But I have to unhook the back and pull it up to my chin to nurse in it. No one ever tells you that a side effect of nursing is that you will lose all concept of how many times you expose your bare breast in the course of a day. Not to mention nursing in public and how easy it is to flash your nipple to unsuspecting strangers. Although, I've gotten pretty good at being covert. Or at least I think I am. I also think people who cover up after the baby is three months old have issues. I left my modesty about baby things on the delivery bed.

So I Need a Job

I do need a job. I don't want one, but we are at the point where I need one. Desperately. Even if it's so I can put gas in my car and buy Jacob diapers. I don't mind working if I can do it without putting the baby in daycare, because I don't have money for daycare and I really like my baby and I want to be with him all the time. So I'm sort of limited in my options here. Then, this morning I get a voicemail from a woman who works in the WIC office in Mobile, AL. She wants to know if I would like a paid position as a lactation consultant for other WIC mom's. It's only 10 hours a week at $7.25 but that's a PERFECT job for me.

Except I don't live in Alabama anymore. So I can't work for them.

I'm bummed. It would be so perfect for me, because I think breastfeeding is GREAT and I want everyone to try it but I know it's hard at first. It's so hard and I almost gave up at 8 weeks because I couldn't even shower without feeling like screaming. My nipples were so sensitive that the water mist created by droplets hitting my body hurt when I showered. I remember thinking that they would hurt forever and that I could never shower without pain from water out of the showerhead. I had horrible back pain, even throwing out my back once. That was so hard because I couldn't look down, I couldn't stand up or lean back into the couch. I couldn't even pick up Jacob for a day. Luckily, I could go to a chiropractor and I think he helped but my back continued to hurt until Jacob was three months old. So I know how hard it is to keep nursing. But now? I am so glad I stuck with it. Not only did we save a fortune by not buying formula, but Jacob didn't get his first cold until he was 13 months old.

That job would be perfect for me. Not only is it about something I am passionate about, but I can do it without putting Jacob in daycare. He'd just go with me. So I think I will be going to my local WIC office here and asking if they need a paid lactation consultant. Or I'm going to sell Pampered Chef.

Crafty Cat

I finished my wrist warmers. Just in time for the weather to warm up a little bit and be back in capri pants and flip flops. I'm really not complaining, as this is why I love Colorado. We have weather like this a lot, until we get to January and it snows every weekend. But this weather is acceptable. We can spend an hour outside in the afternoon and actually get too warm for jackets. Jacob also insists on putting sticks and small piece of wood into the dog's water tub and I worry that his hands will freeze into icicles when it's cold out. I still let him do it, but I worry. I suppose I will have to start stuffing his hands into mittens before long and that's going to go over great. And no, I will not be knitting him mittens. Size 7 needles are pretty small and I'd need at least a size 3 to knit something like that. Socks are another thing that will not be on my "knit this next" list for some time. Partially because of the small needles and partially because I'm sure I will like it and I've got enough yarn in my box right now.

I can't decide what to knit next. I was going to knit a hat for a child who has cancer in October, so I guess I should still do that. Just because October is over does not mean that children with cancer stop needing soft hats for their bald heads. The only problem is that I have mostly wool in my stash and no one wants to wear wool on their head, much less a bald head. I have some soft pale green and a cream white skeins but that's not really bright and fun for kids.

I'm also tempted to knit a felted bowl and give it away as a prize to someone doing NaBloPoMo. I've never done something like that, but the bowls are not cheap on Etsy and are so simple to make. I was thinking this morning that I should try to make an Etsy shop and sell some of the things I knit but that might make it less fun. Also, seeing as it took me over three weeks to make wrist warmers, I might not be able to keep up with supple and demand. Even if I only had three buyers a month.

NaBloPoMo Strikes Back

I can't be dedicated enough throughout the year to blog more than sporadically but I can really get behind a cause with prizes and other people in the same boat of "what do I spew out today?" I even had a moment of pure insanity when I thought that I might try to post about something lovely that I've made but then I remembered my 14 month old son and got off my high horse. Sure, I have some luscious wristwarmers sitting beside me but they aren't finished and I doubt I will finish tonight. Maybe tomorrow but don't count on it. I was supposed to knit a hat for a child with cancer this month and I couldn't get that done in time. So instead, I will present some Halloween photos. I don't have any great ones, but he's still pretty cute. I dressed as a witch in a stolen costume that's been tucked in my closet at home for years. I tried to wear ruby slippers but I shouldn't return to heels with Jessica Simpson stilettos that are probably a half size too big. (I lasted an hour and a half, if you're interested.)

We tried to take him to the Trunk or Treat candy fest in town but we had to wait in line for a whole block until we got to the area blocked off for trick or treating. Then we had to stay in line and walk up and down the block to get candy. Jacob lasted for half a block into trick or treating and after that he was running off to the sidewalk and down into alleys. I could have stood in line for candy but I felt stupid doing that because while I clearly intend to eat his candy, I couldn't bring myself to get candy without him right next to me. So we gave up on that milestone. We took him to the library instead to see Gramma Gramma dressed like a kitty. After we had a delicious snack at the Owl (burgers and fries, not shakes as we only had $10) we went to Florence for a 2nd round of trick or treating. Theirs involved going from store to store so it wouldn't be as much waiting in line. This time I remembered that i have this thing called a stroller so we don't have to carry His Highness of Putting Grubby Hands Down My Shirt To Feel His Boobies. It was fun but the quality of candy handed out was CRAP so mostly I'm just exhausted with a lot of DumDum suckers to show for it.

Rethinking Co-Sleeping

Or I get enough sleep now.

Someday, Jacob isn't going to want to sleep next to me. Soon, he will be lifting his arms up to daddy to take him, instead of cuddling with me in the mornings. Someday he will sleep in a big boy bed, only coming in to me after bad dreams. Then he will grow up, become a boy, a young man, an adult. I will not always be the one who can soothe all things. In a day and age when children grow up far too quickly, I'm already imagining how he will turn away from me. My baby is going to grow up and leave me. He will not always need me.

So I'm going to try and relish now. Enjoy the nights where all he wants is to sleep with his body in my arms. Savor the mornings when I wake up a little stiff from sleeping on my side so his head is cradled in my arm, and I watch his lips purse and suck as he sleeps. How can I blame him for not wanting to sleep alone. I haven't for years, and if I had my way then CS would be in bed with us. Before CS and Jacob came along, there was always Hunter to keep me company. I am not one who likes to sleep alone.

I co-sleep. And it's going to be OK.

Nigh-Nigh And Other Bad Habits

I have created a monster. And it's becoming a problem. Jacob was well on his way to sleeping in his crib when we moved back from Alabama. He would go to bed around 9 and sleep until 12 where I'd nurse him and he'd go back down until 4 if I was lucky. At this point, I would let him sleep in bed with me until we woke up around 7 or 8. This wasn't the best sleeping situation, as I wanted him to learn to sleep through the night without needing to nurse or cuddle. But I was working on it.

Then we moved in with CS's parents and his crib was placed at the foot of my bed. He'd wake up at midnight and I'd end up placing him next to me in bed and then we'd fall asleep and sleep all night till early morning. I knew it was bad, but some nights I didn't even remember getting him from the crib. There wasn't enough space between my bed and his bed for me to wake up enough to go put him back. On one hand, he no longer needs to nurse when he wakes up at night. But now he only sleeps about two hours after bedtime before he's crying to sleep next to me. And since bedtime is now 8:30, he is awake before 11. This interferes with my evenings, as I don't enjoy laying in bed with him so he can sleep. But crying it out doesn't work. I tried. He would lay there and cry, cry, cry, fall asleep, five seconds of silence, cry, cry, cry, sit up, repeat. I don't have a Ferber book, or I might try that.

I know I need to sleep train him. But there doesn't seem to be much of a point until we have a room for him. And I'm scared of all the crying that's going to happen. The late nights where I'm just tired and all he wants is to be able to feel me when he wakes up in the dark. I don't mind co-sleeping but it doesn't work when CS is sleeping with us. A queen sized bed is not big enough for a family of three. I've felt terribly guilty about letting him sleep in my bed for the past three months. I know it's creating a bad habit that I have to break, but I didn't always have to power to keep him in his bed. Plus, I've been getting a lot more sleep and the night nursing is mostly done. Unless he pulls my shirt up during the night and latches on without my knowledge. He also likes to slide his hand up and hold on to a nipple. I hate this and it usually results in a nighttime hand slapping. This was accompanied with giggles this morning when the imp tried to feel me up at 7:30.

I call him the Boobie Monster.

Staying Home

Today, I watched my little boy wander around the backyard. He ran over to the dog and stole his ball before trying to throw it for him. Then he started jabbering away in his language to Hunter as he threw both arms over his head. Over and over, he did this. After he was done with that performance, he turned around and looked at me, big toothy grin on his face and wrinkled up nose. I am so blessed and lucky to be able to stay home and watch him grow.

One year ago, he was one month old and just learning how to smile. Now I have a walking, talking, climbing toddler. And I'm ashamed of how badly I've recorded his first year. How will I remember? Everyday is something new and exciting. There are not enough minutes in a day or words to describe it.

He can tell you what a horse says. He sticks his tongue between his lips and blows. A cow says "mmm" and sometimes a chicken goes "buck!" When I'm cooking, he wedges himself between the cabinets and my legs, then pushes me back and lifts up his arms. He climbs on top of my sewing machine to look out the window. He likes my spaghetti. I can easily feed him medicine for constipation but not the antihistamine. One's banana flavored. Emma is his favorite dog, he always falls onto her back or sits next to her and leans back to lounge on her flank. Playing in the driver's seat of a car is the best way to keep him happy. Rocks always find a way into his mouth.

He is my Jacobey and I love being his mama.

Oh Look!

I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It leads straight to trailer trashville, but it's a faint glimmer of hope that we will be moving out of CS's parent's house and into a place of our own.

CS's boss told him the other day that he could fix up the trailer that the company owns and we could move in if we wanted to have a place of our own. This is a very nice offer, I suppose, it's just that the house he's offering is more suited to middle age men who have never married as opposed to a stay at home mom with a toddler. It's not awful, but it's not good either. The trailer sits behind the company shop and it has a fenced yard but it's overtaken by weeds. We had to walk on pallets to get to the door, and even then we had to fight through some nasty brush. Once inside, it's clear that no one has been in to do anything in a while. There are beer cans in boxes and all the furnace covers are out of the floor. There are clear sticky flytraps covered with flies in the windows and a plunger in the toilet. There is a hole in the floor by the back door, and I suspect the hole is larger now because CS went over the other day to try and replace it but didn't have all he needed at the time. The carpet needs deep cleaned and the kitchen/bedroom/bathroom needs tile or something to cover the particle board.

I could go on, but I think I'll stop here. It's too depressing. My options are continue to live in a real house and watch my relationship fail a little more each day or go live in a fixed up dump until CS's job decides to pay him what they agreed. I guess if we can fix up the inside of the house, I can just ignore the outside. All I really know is that we can't stay here anymore. CS's mom had his dad put baby locks on all the kitchen drawers to keep Jacob out. Maybe I take things too literally, but that just screams "You are not welcome here" so I'll figure out a way to leave so she can go back to living her life like people never make mistakes, messes, or put the silverware in the dishwasher wrong.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of the house after this weekend. Hopefully the before and after are remarkably different.

Crafty. Like A Fox.

I don't know if it was the change of seasons or if I am so starved for creativity that it had to come out somehow, but I have been on a rampage of crafting. I can't stop! I keep buying fabric or knitting needles and picking up books on knitting. I'm searching Etsy daily, looking for ideas of things to make or fabric I covet. (Why is fabric so expensive? It's the only thing holding me back.) I've already started a stash of Christmas gifts. I finally made myself finish a scarf for my uncle that I started FOUR YEARS AGO. I started it twice, to be fair. But seriously, four years. And it was delicious yarn, so why was it so hard? I made Jacob a tiny bedwarmer, filled it with dried peas instead of rice. I got buckwheat over the weekend and I'm excited to see how that pans out for the next batch of bedwarmers. I made Jayden a crayon roll. Actually, I made two, but I gave up on the first and started a second one when I didn't think through my "quilting" part of it. I learned that I am terrible at quilting. Good thing she's only five. I felted a knitted bowl and I have a plan to needle felt it, except I discovered that my needles are bent. I have no idea how they are bent and I broke one trying to bend it back into place. It still works, just looks wrong. I probably need new ones, but that can come later. The worst part of this "crafty sickness" is that I used part of my Verizon rebate/birthday gift card to buy more crafty items. Fabric that I will probably sew up and give away! I fail. But in my defense, I did buy a set of Halloween PJ's from Target with part of it. That was probably a mistake though, as I now want three more sets. Target is a bad place for me. Bad, but oh so good.

Not Me! Monday

In an effort to avoid watching football today, I certainly did not spend a significant amount of time in bed this evening. Complete with baby, clementines and a bowl of popcorn. Nor did I eat a spoonful of Nutella after I got the baby to bed.

Nor would I let the baby bring a rock from outside into the house and leave it on the side table for days. I never put up a small syringe plus for the laxative medication into my purse, only to forget that I put it up and then find myself on a frantic search of the room and under couches because I'm sure the baby found it and swallowed it and OMG he already has issues pooping and now he might have to poop out a cap-like object. Of course, I would never do that. I always put small objects up and out of reach to avoid panicky moments like that. (I did find it the next day, but then the baby found it and I had to put it away again.)

I also would never put the baby to sleep while watching Desperate Housewives really quietly because Mad Men is recording on the big TV and the guys are watching the game so I couldn't DVR both. My son always falls asleep knowing his mama is paying full attention to his sleepy little eyelids.

S Is For SUCKER

My friend and I went to a 90 minute "business conference" this evening because they said we'd get a free ipod if we sat through the talk.

We didn't.

And they fed us sandwiches. Gross ones. The only redeeming thing is that we got a cake cookie with dinner. And that we got free MP3 players, we just have to wait 6 weeks. And they aren't ipods.

Honestly, we knew it wasn't going to be fun. I just wanted a free ipod shuffle. And I thought dinner would be better than a stupid sandwich because it was in one of the nicer banquet rooms this city has. But, no. It was a sad event.

However, the good news is that Jacob made it through three hours with his daddy. No mama around, and he did it! There was some crying on Jacob's part, and some texting from CS but I didn't have to leave early and when I walked in the door, there were no tears streaming down the baby's face. He just ran to me and laid himself on my lap, nuzzling his face into my chest and beaming up at me.

Three hours isn't much, but it's the most we've been apart since his inception.