Umm, Where Do I Start?

NaBloPoMo Daily Plan: Write about someone. But who do I start with? The first person is monumental. Right? Doesn't first mean favorite? I don't have one! I can't pick my most influential person. There isn't just one. Could never be one. Unless I have a child. Then that can be the most important person in my entire life. As I'm sure it will be.

So let's start with Abe. My youngest brother. The one who I will always see as a 12 year old boy. That's the age he was when my parents started the divorce. And the age where he virtually disappeared from my life. Even though he's graduated from High School and entered the Real World, I still don't see him as an adult.

Abe was born a month early. I remember the night he was born, I snuck down the stairs to watch all the people in my living room. He was born at home, but rushed to the hospital where he spent weeks in an incubator. Tubes in his mouth and needles stuck in his head. They said he would have asthma. He doesn't.

Years later, one evening at home, my parents were calling his name and laughing about how he was ignoring them. He wasn't. He couldn't hear them. Because he was premature, he lost most of his hearing. As a child, he wore hearing aids. Those ugly tuck-behind the ear kind with blue ear molds. Now days, he watches you when you speak but he wears nothing to aid him. It's quite amazing, actually. For as little hearing as he has, he functions wells and I often forget that he cannot hear as well as I can.

Abe was my favorite sibling growing up. We meshed well. Our other brother looks more like me, but Abe and I are more alike. Abe had a wonderfully scratchy voice as a baby, and I love watching home videos for that reason. One of my favorite clips happened one morning when he was still a baby. I was mad at my mom, and I took a stuffed Grover and started smashing him against Abe's crib. I kept saying "I'm tired of you!" each time I whacked Grover and Abe laughed so hard he fell over.

Now days, Abe lives at home with my mom. He came back to us two years ago, just out of the blue. It's hard for him, I think, to accept that our dad isn't worth us. I feel bad for him because he's been cut out of that part of our family. While I'm still somewhat accepted, he's being punished for leaving my dad after standing by him so long. But Abe couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how he lasted so long. Insanity and irrationality isn't easy to put up with, especially when you are a 17 year old senior in High School. They already push the limits, and to have a father who grounds you for weeks at a time would be quite frustrating. Even though Abe isn't the poster child for a young adult, he's certainly not a bad egg like our other brother. Abe might be quick to fall in love with a girl who pays him any attention, or be easily influenced by someone else, he's trying to make something of himself. To make a life for himself that will be better than the one our dad or our brother have chosen.

Even if he's a four-eyed, brace-face right now.

A Horrible Thing

Hunter and I took a walk this morning. Just like we do every morning. Same route as always. We were walking down a semi-busy street. It doesn't have bad traffic, but it's nearly impossible at 8 AM to have no cars driving past you as you walk down the road. Here in Hobbs, there aren't many dogs around. People keep them penned up in backyards, and that's only about 5 of the 100 houses I walk by every morning. This morning, as we walked down the road, I saw someones little lapdog playing in a yard with another dog, or possibly a cat. I've seen this dog before, it belongs to an older woman who lives in one of the 5 houses on that side of the street. The houses are clumped together, littered with broken cars, junk, and a few signs warning trespassers. It's not a very welcoming part of the neighborhood. I have only seen that woman and her dog out once, and that one time, her dog did choose to follow us barking down the sidewalk for a while. But this morning, the dog was outside her fence, alone. Hunt and I were walking on the opposite side of the street and I thought that would deter the dog from crossing over to us. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The dog decided to step out into the street and barrel toward us just as a car came rushing by. There was no time for the car to stop. Or swerve. I couldn't do anything to prevent it. What's worse, is that I could do nothing to help. The car that hit the dog didn't stop. Neither did the other three cars that came by right after. I couldn't let Hunt get close to it and there was no place to tie him up. No one was around, and I couldn't figure out how to get to the woman's house. I didn't know what to do. I had just seen a horrible thing and no one could help me. I eventually walked away because I simply didn't how to help. I was afraid of finding the woman, afraid she would be mad at me for her dog's death. When I finally walked away, I just broke down crying. I couldn't even get the dog off the road because I couldn't let my dog go for fear that he would get hurt or just be annoying while I moved the dog away. I wanted to be home so I could call my mom. I called the Police as well, and asked them if they could send Animal Control to the house and take care of it, and I found out that someone already called it in.

I felt so bad. I still feel bad. I know it's not my fault. That I didn't cause that dog to chase us, nor was there anything I could have done differently. But I will never forget the sounds I heard when it happened and the way the poor dog died before my eyes. I've seen animals die, but never like this. This was violent and done to a pet. Not to livestock raised for food and done with as much humanity as possible. I feel bad for the woman who lost her dog, even if it's an animal I pretty much despise. Maybe, hopefully, next time will end happily. And the lesson I learn is: Never let your pets run loose.

Do Not Answer

Tonight, after getting back from Holidaze, I was messing around online for NaBloPoMo and my phone rang with a Colorado number. Let this be a lesson to you! Do not answer those unknown calls from state you no longer reside! Be ye not stupid. It will be ex-boyfriends who haven't called you in months!

The conversation went like this:

BB: I can't believe you left tonight without saying goodbye.
Me: Huh? Who is this?
BB: You don't know who this is?
Me: Um...no. It's a Colorado number, but I live in New Mexico now. Who is this?
BB: I can't believe you don't know who I am. Are you going out tonight? Are you going downtown?
Me: Um, no I just got home. I've already been out for the night. Who is this?
BB: You don't know who this is? Huh. Maybe I'll tell you someday...click.

Me: WTF?

Of course it was BB. No one else from Colorado would call me like that. He must be already drunk and he thinks that he saw me in Canon and is upset I didn't acknowledge him. I, of course, wasn't in Colorado tonight. Haven't been in a while. And even though it was a Colorado number, I had a few moments where I thought it was Channing, a guy who lives here and was out to dinner with us tonight. He would call and ask me why I left without saying goodbye (we didn't tell him goodbye) and it didn't sound like BB, so I had no idea who it was until after we hung up. But now it all makes perfect sense. That whole exchange is classic BB. And I imagine there will be another phone call soon. Which is why his new number is: Matt DNA. (Do Not Answer)

NaBloPoMo Saga

Welcome to November. I'd like to the site, but I can't. I still haven't gotten Firefox like I should, so no linking is allowed.

Anyways. I've decided to post a blog everyday about someone I've come in contact with. Whether it be my best friends, old bosses, Professors, relatives, etc. Sort of a character sketch on a different person everyday and how they have impacted my life.

But I'm too tired tonight, so I owe ya'll two tomorrow.

I'm Gonna Post Every Day For A Whole Month

Somehow, I don't see this happening. I barely get through reading my blogs everyday. It's not like I have a lot of free time during the day to play online to my heart's content. Not like before. Before, when I only had to read to kids who wanted to listen to me. Before, when I was never in control of a group of teens. Before, when my job wasn't to grade crafts or how many books a person read.

Being a teacher may pay more, but it comes with a little more responsibility than being a librarian required. Maybe I'd like to go back to that kind of job. One with no yelling. Or threats. Although, threats can be fun. I may follow through on my threats of today and write up some lunch D-halls tomorrow for some chatty basketball players. They won't like that too much. Or I'll just tell them that Coach gave me permission to threaten them with playing time if they won't shut their mouths.

Back to NaBloPoMo...I had a great idea for a blog the other day and I have since forgotten it. It was something that I could stretch out over the whole month. But I can't remember. Of course.

I have been baking up muffins in the past week. Some Carrot Zucchini Nut muffins with Cream Cheese frosting last Wednesday. Pumpkin Pecan with Cream Cheese (I had a whole bowl of frosting left over) and tonight I am going to make Popcorn cake for the Teacher's Lounge Halloween. I'm also going to bring the Pumpkin Muffins because I cannot and will not and should not eat a whole pan of muffins. I'd like to fit into my new clothes for a while. Or if I don't fit, I'd prefer them to be a little looser. Not tighter.

My Smackdown plan for losing 10 pounds is not going so well. I joined the gym. Although, I've been going less frequently than I planned. I still work out for an hour everyday, it's just not always at the gym. I hate this because I've been trying so hard since August to fix this. To get back to my "normal" size. And I will hate if this is "normal". I don't want to have to skip meals in order to be a size 8. I don't eat fast food. I don't fry a lot of food. I cut back on portion sizes because I can't eat like a boy. I cut back on red meat. I don't drink beer. I started going to aerobics class at 5 AM a few times a week. And what else do I need to do? Stop and check everything I put in my mouth? Eat and drink only diet food? What am I doing wrong! Yes, in the past, before I made dinner every night, I didn't always eat a real dinner. How do I get away with that now? It's impossible! So am I destined to be like this for the rest of my life? Also, don't get me started on how my forehead thinks I'm in puberty again and that Philosophy Hope In A Jar isn't enough!

Baby, I'm Amazed.

Friday night, when CS and I were coming back home after dinner at the casino (because I just wanted to get out for dinner and enjoy it!) a Lonestar song came on the "radio" and after a second, CS changed it to a different station. I protested because it's a good song and he almost never changes the station in the middle of a classic song. But then he told me that while it's a good song, it has some particular sentiment that he's not interested in revisiting. Which, of course. Honestly, that same song was once one of those "forbidden" songs I used to skip over when it came on unexpectedly. But none of those songs matter anymore. "You're Body Is A Wonderland" was a big one, and back in June, I caught myself texting the lyrics to him. Back in June. Before we'd even said anything about love. How did that happen?

Maybe, though, maybe it's because it's been years since those songs meant anything to me, and I only avoided them out of respect for what they once meant and how tormented I used to be by hearing them. I've been over all of that heartache for years now, so perhaps it's just time taking it's toll. Maybe I just need to give him time to get over the things he's been through. So he can listen to certain songs and appreciate them rather than remember who he was with in the past. Is this why you're not supposed to date someone right after a divorce? Or why "on the rebound" is such a bad thing. Because you always have these "What ifs" in your head. Even when you don't especially believe they are truly a concern.

I don't speak to CS about the things I put on here. He may or may not know I have a Blogger blog, and I don't point him in that direction. If he wants to find this, he can. But right now, it acts as my wailing wall. Where I put down the little insecurities. The thoughts I need to get out there, but I don't want to place on him. I don't need to be reassured of anything. I don't need him to hide things like that because he's afraid it might upset me, or cause a scene. He had a wife before me. I know this. I can't change it. So I'm accepting it, albeit somewhat slowly. I never was good with change. I've gotten over my broken heart. Maybe he's still mending his.

Someday, we'll be able to listen to all those songs, both of us, without any thought to those who came before.

Login!

I finally have a Login name and password for my classes. Or for the computer in my room. I can actually enter grades now. Which, I suppose I should be doing right now. Oh, wait. Can't. All my grades are in a packet that's currently in the computer lab. I'll do it during 4th period. Which the kidlets take a test. Online state testing is my friend.

Except for the fact that I hate No Child Left Behind because in actuality, it CANNOT work. It's not my job to teach that punkass kid who refuses to learn. I can only present the material. I can't make anyone remember it.

Yesterday, while we were having lunch, Coach asked me what I was eating. Just like he does everyday. I had brought leftover stuffed red peppers, the ones from Smitten Kitchen, I believe. It's full of eggplant, carrots, onions, and tomatoes with a little bit of ground chicken, topped with sour cream. It's very good, I recommend it! Anyways, it's sort of a game to me. I bring in weird food and he asks me what I'm eating, because I think he's glad he didn't end up with a woman who cooks squash and actually likes it! Poor CS. Honestly, I don't bring in really strange things, although if I lived near a Whole Foods, you know I would. I've brought hummus, pita, spaghetti squash, Progresso Soup, Taco Salad, ect. I eat somewhat healthy at lunch. Yesterday, when he sees my red pepper lunch, he asks if I ever just want some steak and a potato. Which, of course I do. Just not daily, like someone else I live with...who also doesn't like rice. OMG. So I told him about how I read food blogs lately and I've been cooking things from there, including my pumpkin cheesecake brownies. Everyone started giving me a hard time about how come they aren't seeing any of this at work! And my response was "I only send it to my friends!" Which was not how that was supposed to come out. And man, did I get in trouble for that. So I went home to redeem myself and I made Carrot Zucchini Muffins with Cream Cheese Frosting, recipe from Coconut and Lime's blog. They are pretty damn tasty. I wanted something with a Fall-ish taste but I didn't have a good recipe for pumpkin bread. I didn't want banana because I wanted to use cream cheese frosting. So I knew carrots needed to be involved but I wanted it to be healthier than carrot cake. Thus-Carrot Zucchini. In pretty little Fall colored leaf liners.

I think I redeemed myself. I'll have to think of something else for next week. Since I don't always have to stay after school on Wednesday because I'm technically a Sub, I get to leave at 2:30 instead of 3:30 the rest of the week. I am planning on taking that extra hour I have and making something for Thursday. Can you tell I miss brunches?

Internet, Let's Make Out!

No that I no longer get to play online for hours upon hours a day, I am relishing in my time spend online. I've found a slew of new websites to read, mostly cooking blogs, and I'm just loving it. I wish I could link to some things I've found recently, but Safari doesn't allow me to create linked sites. Why? Because it's L-A-M-E! Honestly, I don't understand that. I've had my Mac for three years now, had numerous Safari downloads, and still it's lacking. Are there other Mac compatible browsers that have everything I need?

I'm at the point where I want to have a real masthead, have a design for my blog. If I'm going to post frequently, then why not make it look good! Plus, I just signed up for NaBloPoMo! I'll be posting everyday in November. Won't you join me?

I'm in love with www.vogues.com. They have amazing chocolate products, and I'm desperate to try what they make. Chili powder and wasabi in chocolate? Sign me up! This weekend, I made pumpkin cheesecake brownies from Coconut and Lime. Tonight I made stuffed red peppers from Smitten Kitchen. I ordered two birthday presents off of Etsy this past month.

Annnd, I just remembered that i had a lot of grading to do tonight for my "Night" test on Friday and I did none of it. Plus, it's bedtime for this girl. This girl who now wakes up at 5 AM to go listen to aerobics music and hop around on a step like a tone deaf drunk in a bar.

20 Questions

Miss? You got a cell phone?
Miss? You live in Colorado?
Miss? How's your dog?
Miss? What kind of music do you like?
Miss? You like the Broncos?
Miss? Do you know who Lightning McQueen is?
Miss? Are you married?
Miss? Is that your daughter?
Miss? Is it cold outside?
Miss? Miss? Miss?

*EDIT*
Miss? What's your favorite kind of Hamburger Helper?
Miss? Are you dating?
Miss? Did you watch the game?
Miss? Are you going Trick or Treating?
Miss? Where do you live?
Miss? Are you Italian?

All those questions happened in about 5 minutes.

70 Dollars A Day

That's what I get paid now. Since I'm working this position longer than 6 weeks, I get an extra ten dollars a day. I'm not quite sure if that's really enough. But we'll see. It's not like I make any decisions about what I'm going to be teaching, or do normal things teachers do. Like send away for worksheets.

Things are going well. My kids in 2nd period commented today on how well behaved they have been for me. I suppose that's flattering, as they tortured the previous teacher. She was a great teacher, but extremely strict and probably not much fun. I feel badly for her. That after all her years of teaching, she retires from a horrid group of children that turn around and treat me like I deserve their attention and respect.

Remember that whole saga of this upcoming weekend? About wanting time with CS, then maybe babysitting, then not babysitting, and a trip to Texas? Yeah, all bets are off on that one. Tuesday, at the job site, another company cut LPR's power so they had to take time out to bring in generators and now they are all working this weekend. All my fretting, for naught. Lovely weekend with my boyfriend? Not happening. I guess that's a rookie mistake. Never assume that plans won't change. Nothing will stay the same until it's set in stone.

I'll keep making plans though, like I have some control over my future, and what it is I want to do with it.

I'm Going To Need Some More Money

They asked me to be a long term sub again. Until Christmas, this time. That's nine weeks away. I'm going to be in charge of teaching them the material, grading, everything! So. I'm going to need more money. You wanna wait to pick an English teacher? Then you gotta pay for the work being done. And $60 a day? Not enough, my friends.

Since I'm going to be in the same room for weeks, I went out and got a few supples. One- A Swear Jar. Students must pay me if they utter innapropriate language. I'm really, really tempted to ban "shut up" from my room. Along with faggot, that's gay, slurs of any kind, and general stupidity. Is that wrong? Teens are so mean to each other, and they say such horrid things in jest. Completely appalling, too.

I'll think of some examples later. I need to go to bed, so I can get up at 5 AM in the morning.

Yeah, 5 AM. To go do Aerobics.

The Other Woman

Once, weeks ago (weeks seem like months, is that just me?) CS was sitting on the couch and I was at the table by my computer. We hadn't been talking, and he goes to ask me something, I forget what. And he says "Hey Kristen...Jess." Then we just looked at each other. "We were just talking about her!" he says, with a tone of instant remorse at the words he just uttered. I kept looking at him, my eyes big and my jaw dropped. "There are a lot worse places you could have said that," is all I say.

In his defense, we had been talking about her. She had called that night, while we wear sitting outside our front door, eating chips and salsa out of the jar. Whenever she calls, without fail, CS looks at his phone...sees her number...sighs...flips it open... and says "Hello?" Like, "I know who this is, but I am extending no effort to make you feel welcome to call me." I told him that that night and we did start a small conversation about her and what happened with them. I don't know all the details, nor do I want to. I know a little bit, but I don't want to bring her and him into our relationship out of simple curiosity. As far as I know, she doesn't call often. She calls for a reason here and there, but those reasons are starting to die out as everything becomes final and their life together is no more.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should ever worry about her getting him back. If marriage bonds really are that strong. You hear stories about exes getting back together, working things out. Honestly, I think it would be impossible for them to go back, to fall in love. But on an especially rough day, it's a little fear in a small corner of my mind. Maybe it's because I'm naive, and I believe that when you say "I do" and you bind yourself to another person, part of you can never escape those bonds. That marriage is the welding of two fleshes, and to separate that, you must cut it away. And if you do, are you ever whole again? Even if we are happy and meant to be together, she will always be the first. I'd be lying if I said that never hurts me.

Texas: A Watership Down Experience

I've never read "Watership Down" but I know it features rabbits as an illusion to people or society, something. But we drove through Texas last night and I saw more cottontail rabbits on the side of the road in 8 hours than I have ever seen in my life. CS tried to hit one, too. Ya'll can beat on him for that.

Anyways, we drove to El Paso last night to drop off my favorite family, ??? (or what I am going to refer to them from this moment), at the airport. El Paso is about 4 hours away, and right next to Mexico. Basically, I drove to Mexico and back last night. This all began at noon on Saturday, when I brought lunch to CS and he told me that we were taking the ??? family to El Paso. All five of them. Plus me and CS. In his truck. I said ok, like I always do, before thinking this through. 7 people. In a truck for 5. And one of those 7 is a toddler, and needs a car seat. Hmm. "This must be a joke", I thought to myself. I even sent him a text saying "You liar! We are so not going to El Paso tonight."

But then we did.

And it was long. So long. Just picture this for four hours: Front seat- CS and I. (Is that wrong that I got to sit in the front?) Back seat- Age 9, Mom, Age 10, and Age Two in a car seat. In the bed of the truck- Dad. For 215 miles.

Now, let me say this. One on one, and overall, I don't have a problem with Family ???. They are a great group, and have done many, many wonderful things for us. And will do them in the future. I have no doubts. They are great friends, and good children.

But, all together and in a space the size of a bathroom, I tend to silently lose my mind. If it's not the baby saying "You're stupid" and throwing toddler tantrums that never get nipped in the bud, it's the 4th grader's complaining of being bored, or the Mom who treats her children like she is the older sister and is being forced to watch her bratty half sister's while their parents are out for the night, the the Dad who tells the Mom to "just shut up!" I have never been around a family like this. It's the embodiment of the worst characteristics a family can have. On hand, it's good to see this because it re-enforces how I will and won't behave with my children and my husband when I have them. But on the other, I have to put myself through this on a regular basis because they are our friends and sometimes I have a great time with them. It's about 70% Great Fun and 30% Poke My Eye Out.

This weekend is the three day weekend where we were going to watch the kids, but we don't have to! They found someone else to do it, probably because of me. No one says anything about how I might feel toward them but I'm pretty sure it's a known thing. Some times I think I need to explain to CS that I won't be like this with our kids, that I don't dislike children. I'm just so uncomfortable around them. Such a shame I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

The Truck Wants to Make Out With Me, And Buy Me Pretty Things!

Or maybe just marry me.

Why? Because I took it in to be serviced, and I vaccumed it, and I attempted to wash it! Automatic car washes are not an option for CS's beloved truck. No way, dudes. So I washed it by hand, with a bucket of car wash soap. Did you know there is such thing as car wash soap? I have never thought to wonder, until now. Now I just know. Only buy Maguires. Ok? I'm sure you were worried about what kind to use, and possibly you have been using the wrong kind. So start with the "good for your car" kind tomorrow.

I say I attempted to wash it because it's very dirty and covered in mud. And the water here leaves spots and white streaks when it dries too fast. I am just a short little girl who doesn't really know how to wash cars, much less huge trucks. But I did my best. And I cleaned out all the trash in the bed of the truck too.

Seriously, this truck wants to marry me now.

I accomplished quite a lot on my day off today. Flies have taken residence on our back screen door and the window above the kitchen sink, so last night I smeared up my windows trying to kill all the awful flies that invaded while we were making dinner. I killed a lot. Not many of them returned tonight! I vaccumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, waited around for the maintenence men to show up and fix the damn door already. Which they did. I heard loud bangs while I was in the shower, and I'm glad I didn't need to let them in. It's so nice now, I no longer have to slam the door shut or drag it open! It's like magic now, and so quiet. They also manages to somehow lock me into the house when they fixed it. The deadbolt on the front door doesn't work and when I came down to open the door for them to tell me they had finished, I discovered I was locked in. So I had to go out the back and work the key around in the lock before it opened again. After he saw that it was broken, he told me they would come back and they actually did! Fixed my deadbolt and gave me a key! Which is good, because you can totally open that door with a credit card. I am better not knowing that information, but I made CS tell me how he and our guests were getting in when they had lost his key. Then I made him show me how to open a door with a credit card. Just in case, you know?

After my house was all spiffy and clean, I went to get the truck and take it to Ford for a ton of services. I was there for an hour and a half, and only at the end did some annoying man start to talk to me. Luckily, they called my name. Actually, they called me Mrs. Slattery, about three times before I realized he was calling me. Hey! It's not my name! Oh, but you don't know that...Just gonna roll with it. Close enough to it, anyways. I also have his credit card and account password. It's not my fault I'm so good with finances! Plus, when I had no money and nothing to do, I felt really isolated in my position. So I control the money. He just makes it. Riiight.

And that's why he's buying a Wii on Friday.

Putting Off Bedtime

I'm not sure why I don't want to go to bed. I'm also not sure why I'm watching a movie about sled dogs racing across the Arctic to find their master, either. Hunt wants to know who the hell is barking and why can't we play? Sorry, buddy, TV dogs are the only pals you've got right now. But this is too funny, he really thinks that there is a dog somewhere in the apartment, he just doesn't realize it's on TV. And now....he's looking out the window.

I am cruel.

I've been thinking for the past few days that CS and I need a little break away from the norm here in NM. I feel bad for him because he's so tired all the time. He works hard all day, comes home, eats dinner, watches some TV with me, and then falls asleep around 9. My life isn't spent working, like his, but I do spend very little with him. I know that when I get home I want to sit in front of my computer and veg out, so he does that too. I can't force him to go out and do something every night because 1) that's hard to do here, and 2) he's exhasted. I told him yesterday that we needed to take a vacation. He told me today that he's not working the third weekend in October. All the foremen are having a workshop or conference in Denver and he will have time off. "YES!" I thought, right away. That's perfect. Three days for us to just be, maybe we can get away from here. Secretly, I want to go to Austin, TX and play around there. But then he goes on. His boss and friend, the one we stayed with in the beginning, is going to the Denver meeting. And he wants to bring his wife. And not his kids. Apparently, they have been fighting a lot because they haven't had any time together sans children. So he asked if CS and I would stay with the kids at night while they are gone. Someone else would watch them during the day, but we'd take over at night.

And I...just. don't. know. I want to say no, but I feel like that's not an option. CS is their unofficial "godfather" so is it wrong to put ourselves first? And you all know it's no secret that I have a difficult time around the kids. They are of an age I don't relate to, and their lack of discipline makes it hard for me to enjoy them. So to give up three days of time with my boyfriend? The boyfriend I see and talk to for three hours daily? That's hard. Yeah, I understand it's rough to live this life, to move around, to have kids in tow. But that's why we don't have kids. Why we won't have kids and live like this. I want my kids to have a stable home and I want to have friends that are mine, not my husband's coworker's wife or GF. I want to be selfish here and say "You picked this, and I need time with my significant other, too" but maybe that's out of line here.

I'm not even sure if we could afford to go anywhere on this three day weekend, but that's three days I could be with CS and actually get to know the man more. See him well rested again, and check some of the world around us, together. Babysitting is not my idea of a fantastic long weekend. I'm not sure if I've officially said Yes or No, though. More of an "I guess" in a reluctant, I can't look at your face when I say that because I know my feelings are written all over my face, sort of way.

I De-Lurked. Take That, Internet Shyness!

I did! I posted on almost every blog I read on a daily basis.

Also, I bought a new pair of shoes today and I'm really on my way out the door to walk Hunty. He's been fussing at me for the past thirty minutes, and I'd best get my butt out the door before CS gets back from work. So I can start dinner, you know.

Always, these shoes better be nicer to my feet than the last pair I bought. These:



Those are the shoes of Evil. And I returned them. After wearing them TWICE. But hey, I'm not paying $50 for a pair of shoes I cannot wear. Especially when they come from a place called the Shoe Dept. Sorry! Give me my money back. Now.

Also, kids from Hell? Continue to be that way. I'm thinking it's time for a visit from my pal, the Principal.

Please Stop Shouting.

Sometimes this is my day. Actually, right now, it's 55 minutes from 1:30 to 2:25. And it's less asking "please" and more wanting to throw something at the little fucks. They are so obnoxious. I may or may not have "Discipline Action" slips ready and waiting on their desks tomorrow, if I could only figure out their names.

We are reading "Night" by Elie Wiesel and so we have been talking a lot about how something as terrible as the Holocaust is possible. And wouldn't you know it, but I had a student use a Jewish slur on another student RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. He must have realized that that was a big, big mistake when my jaw dropped and I instantly got the Wicked Witch look on my face, followed by an "that is not acceptable" lecture.

Other than that, things are going well. It's lucky they are teaching something I know a lot about and so I can just tell all I know to them. The OCS teacher tried to fix me up with someone but luckily I have a boyfriend.

Speaking of the boyfriend, he is currently sleeping in the chair next to me. He went to the Dr. today for the hundred-plus bites he has all over his lower body. They didn't actually know what he was bitten by, and they just told him to take Benedryl and some antibiotics for the next few days. I feel so bad, his whole lower body is just covered with welts. The nurse told me not to let him go fishing anymore. Apparently, that's not an option.

PS. That's my new catch phrase. In case you were wondering, what does Jess say constantly? Mom's going to teach JBelle that soon. I can't wait!

I'm also being a fanstastic English Major and reading Wuthering Heights for the first time. I always feel like I get to pat myself on the back for reading the Classics on my own. I am enjoying it immensely! Did you know that it's a great story? And a rather quick read, I'm already halfway done and I've had about two hours of reading time. What should be on my list when I finish? I still haven't read "Age of Innocence" or "Sense and Sensibility", should one of those be my next choice?

Oh, also, if some of this is mispelled or an obvious error, it's because the spell check doesn't work with Safari and Blogger. And I'm too lazy to copy and paste into a word document and then check and paste again. So, really I'm not an idiot. I just type faster than my fingers can spell. I really can spell! Quite well!

Can I Post Photos, Safari?

I decided to buy some new clothes. And I'm a tad bit bored, as CS is asleep after an evening of suffering through over 100 welts all over his lower body, and the laundry is still going. I took some pics of the new clothes, actually, I took photos of the fabric. Ok, so this is going to be a "wanna be artsy" photo blog. Sorry. I'm not really artsy. I don't have an eye for color. Unless it's lovely yarn. Nor do I take really nice photos.

I live in New Mexico and I have no friends here so, um, yeah!



This is a lovely sweater I plan on wearing once I lose five pounds. Hmm. That's so wrong to buy clothes knowing you want to lose the squishyness before it's worn. Or, maybe I'll just buy those Old Navy stretchy pants...




This is a flowy, smocked peasanty shirt that is so the look I am going for. Tomorrow is Nerd Day at school, maybe I can wear that. I'll fit right in. Or maybe I fit right in anyways.




I love these pants. They might be kind of loud, but who cares. They are a size 6 and they rock my world.





As you can see, I was wearing this shirt when I took the photo. Also? A shirt like this should not be worn on the first day of October. It's just too Spring-like for Fall. Although, when does it start being Fall around here? Or do we just fall straight into winter? Bummer. I love Fall.

Brought To You By Jolly Rancher- Apple Flavor

I'm sort of in love with hard candy right now. It's just fun to have something to entertain my mouth when gum or candy isn't an option. It's really hard to eat food in the classroom, and chewing gum is annoying while I talk. This is much less obvious, and also tasty!

I'm doing a week of English subbing at the Freshman school starting tomorrow. I love the Freshman school. The faculty has been so great, I feel completely welcome there. I travelled around on Wednesday for teachers who had meetings during the day, and most of the time the teachers returned before I had to relieve another and I was able to have a conversation with them. Maybe I'm just starved for interaction. But I don't want to just be some substitute who comes in and watches the class, then takes off. I want them to know that I am capable of being in charge and that I'm not inferior simply because I don't have a teaching certificate. Not that any of them treat me like that, but I can see how it might be possible. If I'm going to do something, I want to know how to do it well. At the library, I got so bored. I knew how to do everything and it turned into something so monotanous. This job changes all the time. Whether it's because I'm subbing for science or math, or even English, it's always something new. Love it!

I really need to run to the post office, walk Hunt, shower, and dress for dinner at the Casino. I sort of want to sew instead.

I Think Some Pie Is In Order

I don't know how to make pie. But I may try tomorrow. If nothing else, after this stint in New Mexico, I will be a proficient baker. Maybe I can perfect chocolate chip cookies, as mine always seem to come out badly. I wonder what kind of pie I should make. Or maybe you all want me to make something that's shippable.

Somehow I think that will be the overwhelming desire. Hmm, what's fun and shippable? Fudge? Cookies, again? Brownies? Too bad cake and cupcakes are not shippable. I would like to make those!

So we were supposed to go to Carlsbad Caveran tomorrow, but CS has to attend some sort of CPR class in order to keep his job, which is a good thing, but that means no trip to Carlsbad. And I was really looking forward to that. I don't know why, but I was. So that disappointment, on top of CS falling asleep tonight at 5 and not wanting to wake up for dinner (which took me a while to make) has me kind of bummed out tonight. Or maybe I've reached my limit of "alone time" and I would like to have a friend here. One that I'm not dating, and one that has similar interests to my own rather than just the fact that our significant others work together. I wonder if any of the teachers at the school are close to my age, or if I'm sort of out of the loop on that. Being 24 isn't easier. I think it's harder, because now people are starting families as opposed to going out and drinking. I know that none of my OWU friends are doing that, but that's because we are special and we value education over procreating RIGHT NOW like many of society chooses to do.


***********

So two days later...

I ended up talking to CS after all that and I feel better now. Mostly I was just frustrated that I made dinner, and then ate dinner alone. I realize he works hard, all day long and six days a week. But I also spend a majority of my time doing things and waiting for him to come home. I'm going to work on going out and doing things in the evening, as opposed to making dinner and watching TV all evening. That's a winter thing. It is fall. So first up on the list: Rollerskating! I'm thinking tomorrow.

We did end up going to Carlsbad in the afternoon and it was COOL. The caverns are huge, it's amazing that this was created and that it still stands. I'll put up photos in my Facebook and Myspace, but sadly it was so dark in there that it's hard to tell what you're looking at. I highly recommend them if you are ever down in the Southwest. And especially if you enjoy geology, like I did (Thanks, Dr. Mann). There was one section called the Bottomless Pit, which has a bottom and also Fairyland, which I thought looked a lot like something in Dante's Inferno and maybe we were in a circle of hell. What shocked me the most was the fact that they have the Lower Caves and they haven't even been explored yet! There are tunnels and caverns that no one has been into! How cool is that? I am speechless over it.

I should get baking on that pie now. And maybe some Snickerdoodles for my lovely friends!

I Resorted To Sticky Notes.

Yesterday afternoon one of the houseguests brought down a bunch of glasses and mugs that had been sitting in their room for days. I refused to do them. All evening, I knew those dishes were in the sink. They made dinner with everything still sitting in the sink. I also didn't do the dinner dishes, just left them on the counter. This morning, the female faction of our guests left without touching them (they left the cooked chicken out over night! And all day!) so before I left this morning, I put a sticky note on her computer asking her to do the dishes, take out the trash, and put away the food.

And I came home to a clean kitchen and no houseguests!

Seriously, they moved out.

Ok, ok, not because of that. They found a place yesterday and all their furniture was moved this afternoon. Thus, they are gone! Perhaps I will miss not having houseguests to hang out with in the evening. But I'll take a clean house and no one using my towels after I do with much glee!

Hunter and I went to the Dog Daze of Summer at the pool this afternoon. Just like the one I went to in Denver, they allowed all the dogs to run around and play in the water before they drain it. Hunter had a great time, he spent most of it in the water or chasing his new friend Doc around. I met a few people there, and I am hoping I'm brave enough to call her and maybe do lunch sometime. You never realize how much you miss having educated people around until there aren't any. I'm sure most of you never have that problem. Anyways, it was nice to get out and meet some people with dogs, wait, people with dogs who care about them. I'm going to a chili cook-off at the end of the month and maybe I can find some more friends! Oh, and I also got a hairdreser while I was at the pool. Perhaps I can find a Dr, or someone else useful!

For The One Who Has Read The Internet

You know who you are <3

Sorry I didn't post as promised last night. But I got home from school and broke into mass cleaning mode. I did everything in about three hours. Kitchen, vaccuming, windows, bathrooms. And in the end, I was happy. For about two hours before the f-ing tenants came back and fucked it all up.

Actually, I can't say that about all three of them. One is very nice and respectful of all that he does and I would let him sleep on my couch for as long as he needed. The other two, however, need their own maid service. And that does not make me a happy camper.

Unfortunately, this might have all been avoided if they hadn't started out on the wrong foot. See, Rule #1 in my "Book of Proper Houseguests" is Don't use the Hostesses make up, especially her eyeshadow brush. So, see? Hate, all in the first 24 hours. From there it's leaving shoes in places like the bathroom, cereal and milk in the sink, leaving plastic bags on the toaster while cooking something, MGD bottle caps all over the place, and lottery ticket shavings on the table. Yeah, I would have gotten annoyed by these things, eventually. Since I am clean here. And because I would respect someone else's house.

Ok, time for me to go sub again! But it's Wednesday, and that means short classes!!

Hola!

I am a substitute teacher!

I went back to Colorado for Labor Day!

I have three extra people living in my house!

Oh, I've got nothing else.

Substitute teaching. I went in on my birthday to apply for the sub list in Hobbs, and ended up with a long term positon. I started the next day. They didn't even ask to see my ID. They just gave me the paperwork and off I went. I'm teaching AP English to the 8th grade in the morning, and I go over to the Freshman High School in the afternoon to teach regular English to 6th and 7th period. It's going well, I really enjoy the middle school. They are actually willing to learn and talk to me, while the freshman just want to talk to each other and make a lot of noise. I don't know who thought that a freshman high school was a good idea, but I think that upperclassmen serve as role models to freshman in the form of intimidation and these kids are just not getting that on a daily basis. The middle school teachers I'm working with are nowhere nearly as helpful to me as the freshman teachers. Fortunately, I can understand what we are doing in middle school a lot better than the high school. Not that I don't understand the freshman curriculm but it's hard to teach something to people who won't shut up, so they don't make it easy on me to make mistakes or hem and haw about what to do next. I think I have about a week left before the actual teacher can be here, so I'll enjoy knowing what I'm doing on a daily basis for now.

Colorado was awesome. JBelle is so CHATTY. I taught her to do some yoga poses before I left, I think it was a successful trip. It's hard, because I had just gotten used to not seeing her and now I miss her crazy bad. She knows I'm in "Mexico" though, now she asks me "where you at, Jess? Mexico?" I just say yes. The best part about home, beside being home, was Whole Foods. How do people live happy lives without one close by? I just feel better right now knowing that I have Whole Foods items in my fridge. Like Banilla yogurt and some special cheeses, and Peace Pasta. I love you. I don't understand about how I can be so close to Texas and yet nowhere near a Whole Foods or a Wild Oats. Oh, wait. Yes, I can. Because Target is so far away.

The quest for loosing the chubbiness is going well, now that I have a job that requires I not sit on a couch all day. Also, I take two walks a day. Plus one hundred sit-ups and som yoga. I enojy it. And the walks are good for Hunter.

Ok, time for grading. Maybe I'll write up the adventures of houseguests later.

24

I really liked the Golden Brthday year of 23. But it's a lot nicer to say 24. Something about even numbers. I like them.

So 24 things about me:

1. I like to eat bananas with peanut butter from the jar.
2. I only use salon products on my hair. I was a receptionist at a hair salon when I was 16 and I got hooked. Plus, I have great hair.
3. I got Hunter because I wanted a big, male dog. Now, I want a Great Dane. Black female, with droopy ears.
4. I get wistful when I think about Europe, and I've only been to London once. I think it's because all the novels I read are historical fiction and they are set in London, Paris, Rome. Someday, I need to go see all the things I've read about. And maybe move there.
5. I love peacocks. I even taugh JBelle to mimic them.
6. I don't budget on a computer. I write everything down on a piece of paper from a tablet, subtracting each bill from the amount I've been paid. I do this multiple times a pay period.
7. I'm going to start teaching English tomorrow. As a sub for three weeks.
8. I have NO idea how to teach.
9. I'm sort of nervous. It's for upper Middle School and the Freshman High School. Halp!
10. I love trail mix. Especially the kind from Wal-mart, Sam's Choice Mountain Trail. Dear lord, it's wonderful.
11. I fold my underwear into neat little squares. I really don't mind folding and putting away clothes. It's kind of mindless and organized.
12. I've read Dolly Parton and Reba McIntire's biographies.
13. I used to want to be a country singer.
14. I have a good sense of direction when it comes to driving around in new places.
15. I don't function well if I don't shower daily.
16. I tell everyone Hunter is a pure Lab, but I have my doubts. Our vet thinks he might be part Doberman, because of his markings. I think he looks a lot like his dad, but maybe that's just the evil, yellow eyes.
17. I've raised pigs for about half my life. It started for 4-H, then it was just for the bacon. And, man, is that bacon good.
18. I don't like "cheap beer" but I love me some microbrews!
19. I'm about a year yonger than all my OWU friends. Which is nice, as they will always be older than I am and I can never feel "old" around them.
20. I want to make a quilt someday.
21. My first shot when I turned 21 was a Chocolate cake one, and Damian lit the sugar on fire. I wish I would have worked at a bar that made those kind of shots. You know, the good ones.
22. I want my first child to be a girl. And I might want to stop after just one.
23. I like to take the little cap on the faucet off to clean out the debris that collects inside. And I can never get it back on properly.
24. I'm obsessed with the Food Network. I watch it all the time.

The Good News Is, Marriage By Proxy IS Allowed In Colorado.

But not in New Mexico. However, cousin marriage is allowed. Go figure.

Actually, Colorado Marriage Law allows for Marriage by Proxy for those in the military or those who are incarcerated. Surprised? I thought not.

Anyways, the Common Law Marriage paperwork is on my fridge. I don't know what to do with it, so I stuck it there.

Today was rather exciting as I have been up since 5 AM. I went running for two miles with Hunt before getting ready for my first day at work. (It's really dark at 5:20 in the morning, yet I saw about 5 people out walking.) I'm not very good at running, but it's a lot easier to do when it's not 1 PM on a Sunday afternoon and 103 degrees outside. Oh, and post-drinking too. That was just plain stupid. Anyways, after the run, I headed off to start at the Pacific Rim. I didn't actually study like they told me to; I just looked over the paperwork. But I didn't do too badly. They want me to also work over at the restaurant during lunchtime, which I guess I am ok with. She tried to get me to work five days a week, and I told her I didn't want to. I said I'm ok with four, but depending on how I like it, I may go down to three. It's not like a need the money, nor am I bound to make a lot. too bad bars aren't popular during the day. Maybe I should go work at the casino. Ew, no, they are allowed to smoke on the floor and I am not down with that.

After "work" I went over to a few places in town and picked up a few things. Like two pillows, dog toys, spatulas, a rug, and some light up Princess Pens. Then I went over to Hobby Lobby because I love that store and when I left to go to the bookstore, my car died. I knew just what happened, as it's done this before. The cable connecting the battery to the car came loose and it just needed to be tightened. But, I don't know how to do that. Luckily, there is a Checker Auto right next door so I went over there and told the guy what was wrong and he came out and fixed it for me. I would have taken it straight to Brakes Plus, but I don't know where that is, so I drove home, as I would rather be stranded here. I have an appointment to get it fixed and an oil change tomorrow. No more chances! Fix it now! But man, I'm going to hate paying for car repairs now that I am no longer in Colorado.

Sleeping House

Well. I have a guest. She is sleeping on the couch. And CS is napping in his chair. Hunter is on the floor at my feet. I just showered, so I'm not all that interested in lying down and mussing my hair. And since Lace is here, we are going out tonight. I don't feel like showering twice in one afternoon. So I'll just sit right here.

I'm feeling very frustrated with myself right now. I feel so uncomfortable with myself and the weight I put on. It's probably not a lot, as I can still put on my jeans I wore constantly, but it's enough that I can tell it's more than just a few pounds. It's enough that I can see it when I look at the pictures we took last night. It just happened, all of the sudden. It makes no sense as I have been working out everyday, a lot harder than I have been for the past few months. You would think that the amount of exercise I get would make up for the extra food intake. I suppose that's it, I've been home and constantly snacking for two weeks. It just doesn't feel like that.

So I'm putting the smack down on snacking. It's not really a diet, as I don't like that word. It more like I will actively avoid food and possibly start running in the evenings.

Fortunately, I got a job so I will be getting out of the house and away from the snacks.

And what's my job? I'm going to go work at the "Starbucks" here in town. I start on Tuesday.

Just A Common Thing

Before I decided to come to New Mexico with CS, I had a very had time with the idea that I was losing my health insurance. I've never been without it, except for two months when I first started working after graduation. When CS told me about coming down here, he told me that I wouldn't have to worry about health insurance once I was here because I would be able to get on his plan.

Well, now that I'm down here and coming close to the cut-off for pre-existing conditions (maybe past that limit already, actually) I remembered to remind him I wanted on his insurance. Two days ago, he told me he went into the office and was told it would be easy to add me.

Today he brought home the forms.

CS: You may want to read these. You might not want to do it.
Me: Um, ok. (scans a form)
CS: Look at the other one.
Me: Hmm? (Am distracted. Easily.)
CS: Look at the one on the table.
Me: What? (Also, can't pay attention to spoken words.)
CS: This one!

Oh. The one with QUESTIONNAIRE FOR COMMON LAW MARRIAGE splayed across the top of the page?

Oh. That one. Turns out I need to have a common law marriage with him in order to be able to get benefits. Of course! After I read the form and screeched out an "Oh my god", CS got down on one knee and asked me if I'd be his Common Law wife. (In JEST, people.) I suppose that I should have seen something like this occurring. What with all the trouble people across our nation have with health insurance. No way some construction company is going to allow the unwed participate in their plan. Must have a ring! Or at least some sort of declaration that we will maybe someday have a real wedding, but if not at least he can claim me on his taxes!

My mom had me look up Common Law Marriages in New Mexico before I came down here. NM does not have a common law marriage law, but Colorado does. And since we are both still legal residents of that state, I don't think I can claim to be married here but not in Colorado.

So I guess I have to decide if I want to be "married" in order to have health insurance. I certainly couldn't have predicted that two months ago!

Today I:

Walked 2.5 miles.
Did a hundred sit ups and 20 minutes of Yoga poses I learned in DANC115.
Had tea and granola while reading my blogroll.
Started laundry.
Unloaded the dishwasher.
Showered, dressed, did my hair.
Interviewed at the Hobbs Public Library.
Drove to the job site to bring CS lunch.
Went to Hobby Lobby, the Post Office, Cotton Castle.
Went to see Tracy for a bit.
Swept and mopped the kitchen.
Sprinkled smell good dust on the carpets and vaccumed.
Started dinner.
Did the dishes.

And I still have a list of things to do tomorrow.

My Bangin' Suit

Me: Jayden, what are you wearing?
Jayden: My bangin' suit.
Me: And did you put sunscreen on?
Jayden: Yeah, I put sunscream on.

She would also like a Princess Shooting Gun. Thank goodness her birthday is eleven months away! I don't know if we could find a shooting gun in a Disney princess theme. I should google that.

Speaking of banging suits, I'm having issues with my body. Last night at Wal-Mart, I weighed myself on a scale in the bathroom aisle. And it read: 140. Where I yelled "Ew" and pulled another one off the shelf. 140. I am not happy with this weight. In my body's defense, I did spend about two months with limited exercise and a very bad diet. Only in the past two weeks have I settled into a routine that involves walking 2.5 miles a day and healthy eating. And this is also the "rebound" weight from having my tonsils out. I didn't want to stay at the 120 I was three weeks post surgery, but I didn't want to put on 15 pounds. Although, I did weigh myself at night, rather than in the morning, so I bet at least 5 pounds could be taken off for that. Right?

In any case, my bangin' suit needs some hard work out time. And a yoga DVD.

Ya'll Are Just Haters.

I'm at the only coffee place in town that serves Starbucks. Hobbs doesn't have an actual Starbucks establishment; the Pacific Rim just serves as an outlet for Starbucks' business. Much like the St. Cloud Hotel in Canon. I'm actually at a coffee bar, and I can see about 50 bottles of Yellow Tail Chardonnay behind the counter.

I started coming here for the wireless as well as the Starbucks. I adore Starbucks coffee. It is the only coffee I can drink with no cream, just some sugar. And I prefer it to be a dark roast. Apparently, that's the first step in admitting I have a "coffee problem." Ok, ok, I have a problem. I love coffee. And I've been without for days. But I do have English Breakfast Tea at home, so I've been handling the withdrawals well.

Last night we ventured out to the casino/race track for the evening with a few people. The casino has an All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet, which really translates to All You Can Eat Snow Crab Legs and Maybe Some Cocktail Shrimp. I truly think buffets are the bane of society and what's wrong with America. Then I ate about 14 crabs. I suppose that I would place fast food on a lower level of evil than buffets as buffets usually have actual vegetables included, but still. It's wasteful and unnecessary. Kind of like dining halls at college!

I have an interview for the library on Monday. I suppose it's slightly wretched of me to go into an interview when I haven't told them that I am not able to work the hours they have posted on the position. But it's also a library, and from what I've seen, they are usually flexible with schedules. I'm not sure how that works if your reason for not being able to work is because you want to actually see your live in boyfriend sometime and also you don't actually need money, you just need a hobby.

Hi, I'm a 24 year old Homemaker!

Oh, wait. I'm only 23. But just for another 2 weeks.

I did find out that we are coming back to Colorado for Labor Day. I have no idea of that's what CS had in mind when he told me they were off for Labor day, but my immediate response was "Can we go home?" Perhaps you can't say no to that kind of thing. Which thank god, because I really want to talk to JBelle. Today on the phone she told me she was going to eat Superman Yogurt and I thought she said "some yogurt" so I asked what kind of yogurt. And she repeated it slowly for me, but in a tone of exasperation. Like "S-u-p-e-r-m-a-n Yogurt, Jessi. Are you not being a good listener right now?" Sometimes the enormity of what I've done hits me, and I realize that though I didn't move to Ohio I did move far enough away that I am not a presence in her life anymore. And that I might not be for years. Some days, that's really hard to face.

Making A Habit.

Now that I am settled (for now, I still have TONS of things on my "Need this" list) into our house, I am trying to get my life back to normal. Since I don't have a job yet, I have an entire day to fill. Luckily, I have lots of things that I want to do. I've started getting up at 6:30 in the morning and taking Hunter for a walk. The first few days I think we only went about a half mile but after some trial and error we are up to over a mile a day now. The only downside to walking is that I live a neighborhood that is surrounded by major roadways in Hobbs. So everywhere I walk, there are cars driving by. And I am used to nice quiet walks in the country where no one drives by and no one else is around. Although, the city people confine their dogs better and I don't get chased! After our walk, I feed Hunt and put him outside while I watch Good Morning America and do a hundred sit-ups followed by some good yoga poses. After that, I take time for cleaning, a shower, breakfast, and run my errands before going out to the job site on occasion. In the afternoons, I usually end up hanging out with Tracy until the boys get back around 5.

I am going to look for a job soon because I know that my days aren't always going to be entertaining to me and I would like to get out there and meet people. The library here is looking for a part timer, but the hours they want me to work are 4-8 and I would never see Chris. Which was the whole reason I came here, so that wouldn't work out. I applied anyways, and if they decide to give me an interview I can see if they are able to adjust my schedule should I work there.

I pulled out my bag of yarn yesterday and I started a project over again (for the 3rd time!) but I think this time I am happy with the pattern. I was disappointed because I thought I had two skeins of this bright, grass green yarn and I only bought one. Not sure what I can do with just one, but we'll see.

I'm struggling with morning TV though because I am still boycotting the Today show after I decided that they were in the wrong for bringing people on the show with no knowledge of the fact that they were about to be ambushed on live TV. I don't really like Good Morning America, and I really Hate Regis and Kelly. The Food Network isn't showing the "good shows" at 8 AM, and I want to watch something educational this early in the morning. I pick trash TV for later in the day. Right after I watch Ellen, actually.

Ok. I'm Back.

I have been cleaning. My new townhouse isn't actually dirty, surprisingly it's rather clean. But I washed the walls anyway. Seriously, I washed the walls. And some of the paint came off onto my rag which is probably a bad sign. But we are here now, all moved in and somewhat settled. I cannot tell you how happy I am to have my own place now.

It was somewhat a process to actually get to here. LPR (CS's company) pays him each week for housing, which when you have a place to live is an insane amount. But when you are living in a hotel while looking for a place, the money they give them each week goes away fast. So it's hard to save up for a deposit when you are giving most of your money to a stupid hotel chain. Fortunately, we were able to go stay with some friends of CS's after we found this place. I say fortunately because it allowed us to save money for the deposit and the first month's rent, but it was also the hardest week I've been through since I got here. I say this a lot, and when I say it, it's said rather jokingly but I'm realizing that I'm semi-serious when I say I don't like kids. I love, love, love JBelle more than words can say. I love being around her, I love playing with her, and doing whatever she wants. It's completely unconditional love. That is what I have for her. Other kids? Um, not so much. CS's friends that we stayed with have three kids, 10, 9, and 2. And they are fun, sweet kids. But they are still kids and they are often trying to be around. It was hard. I felt very confined. Not only did I stay at the house with Tracy and the kids all day long, when Mike and CS got back from work we'd hang out all evening. I had nothing to do all day but wait for CS to get home. I think I retreated into myself for part of that week because if I allowed myself to dwell on what I was doing I would have broken down and cried everyday. But I knew that I needed to wait until we got our own place.

And so far, so good. I'm still not finished with putting this place together. But it's ok. I don't need to have every single rug, dish, lamp, and picture that I've coveted for the past two years when I fantasized about my "apartment". I can wait for another paycheck and the weekend to go to Target rather than settling for something from Wal-Mart. I have months ahead of me here, and then another town after that. There is no rush. And if CS has his way, I won't be taking half the things I "NEED" here because we can just buy new ones. I beg to differ. There is no way I'm giving up some of the things I want once I get them, NO WAY DUDE!

So, I'm here in my two-bedroom townhouse, with ugly brown carpet and a concrete backyard. But I have my pretty curtains in the window and wireless Internet on my laptop while I sit on my couch and watch TV. It's not home yet, but I don't want to walk away.

I do plan on finding a job of some sort while I'm here. I've kept myself busy this past week with cleaning and organizing, along with random errands I needed to do. I know eventually I will not need to do as much with the apartment and I will find myself with a lot of time on my hands but I am confident I could also entertain myself. Although it would be easier if I had friends. And one best makes friends in a new town by working around people. I do want to have time to work on my writing, to be crafty, learn new things. This is such a new beginning, one I've never experienced and I want to see what I can make of it.

Am Sorry. Have No Internet. Yet!

I finally have a place to live. And I will be getting internet there this afternoon between one and four.

I'll tell you all about it.

The Saga Of New Mexico

On Monday, I went to the walk in clinic in Hobbs because I felt horrid. It started right after I got out of the theatre for HP5. I thought it was just from being in the air-conditioned movie theatre, cramped up in my chair for over two hours. But then I started shaking while sitting in the car and I could tell it was the on set of fever. I didn't sleep well that night and Monday morning I decided (with the Mom's help) to go to a clinic. Turns out that was a good plan. I had a fever of a 102.9 and also a nasty UTI.

What's even better than that? I had to load up my car with all my stuff before I got to the clinic because we couldn't stay at the hotel again. But that also meant I had nowhere to go after the Dr. and I was driving around Hobbs with Hunter, a fever and the temperature outside was triple digits. I drove around the entire town looking for a hotel with a room. Almost all the good hotels are booked all week long because there are so many people flooding into town for work. And the town simply cannot accommodate them all. I finally found a place at the Days Inn and I could not have been more relieved. I just wanted to lie down. And then I may have slept for about 24 hours. I still didn't feel better yesterday, but I felt a lot better most of today. No more fever, but I did have a headache. That's finally gone! Three days was a long time for a headache.

In better news, I think we have an apartment that we get to move into on Friday. We turned in our background checks and the application. So we just have to wait for them to clear us and we can move in. I haven't seen it yet, but it's a townhouse and it's in an area of town where there is a park and a pool. I can't wait. I'm so looking forward to going grocery shopping and being able to eat real food, no more fast food or chain eating. Do you know how hard it is to eat well? I think that's part of my health problem right now, my body isn't getting enough nutrients to fight this nastiness off and it's taking a lot longer.

Oh, and I also have a spider bite under my arm, in MY ARM PIT!

We went to Midland, Texas on Sunday, which is only an hour and a half away, and thank the lord they have TARGET! Along with a mall, and a Petsmart. So good thing the real world isn't too far away. This girl can't go too long without a trip to Target. It just makes me feel good!

New Mexico: The Land of Enchantment. Or, Could It Be Any Hotter?

Actually, YES. It's called Texas. And thank Goodness we aren't there. I mean, it's five miles away. But I'm sure that makes a difference.

So I moved to New Mexico. On Saturday. With Hunter. I did a fantastic job of packing my car up. Hunter had a ton of room, as opposed to sitting in the front seat the whole way there, and I could even see out the back window. (I can't now but that's because I packed up all of CS's stuff when we moved out of our hotel room.) The drive down wasn't bad. It's the longest I've ever driven alone and I think I did well until the end when I got bored with myself and ancy to get out of the car and just be there already. Hunter did quite well too, only one minor mishap at a gas station when he sniffed some weeds and started sneezing. I worried he was bee stung again and there was NO WAY IN HELL that I was going to be able to find a vet for some shots, and all he would be getting was some Benedryl. Luckily, the fit passed and he was fine. I gave him some Lunchable though, just to make sure his appetite was still there. I bet he wouldn't give up cheese if he was dying though, so maybe not a good test.

Hobbs is everything and nothing like I thought it would be. Unless you've actually been out west and know what it's like, I don't think you can comprehend it all. Yes, there are white people here. No, there are no cacti. There are three parks, one strip club, all the fast food you could want, two sit down chain restaurants, a Wal-Mart, an Albertsons, plenty of ghetto apartments, a few nice neighborhoods, and a lot of construction.

I haven't been "Downtown" yet because the streets are all torn up and I don't feel like walking around downtown with Hunter just yet. We don't have a place to live because all the apartments we looked at yesterday (ALL of them in this town) are ghetto. Just trashy. There was a duplex type place and a house we are looking at but we have to wait for the real estate people to come back from vacation to see if the house is acceptable. CS's boss and his wife are waiting on another house with the same real estate company, so some of the waiting is due to them and what they decide. Hopefully, they get into a nice house with a yard so we don't live up living in Seminole, TX just because the market in renting a place in Hobbs is god-awful. I only don't want to live in Seminole because that's at least an hour drive from the job site, which means I would see CS, hmm, about never. Sundays! Also, the population is 5,000. I didn't want to move away from Penrose to move to the Texas version of Penrose. I'm sure the choice is up to me if it comes down to Hobbs vs. Texas towns. Do I want to live in a small town outside of Hobbs to be near to Tracy so I have a friend? Or do I want to stay in Hobbs and meet people on my own? It all depends on Saturday and I'm hoping these real estate people have something good for us!

Hunter has been a lot better than I thought. I've only wanted to kill him a few times and mostly because it was dark outside and I was crabby to be walking around in a field that makes my legs itch and if he would just pee already my life would be so much better. I've since decided to just let him go and hope he comes back to me when I call him. So far, so good. He's been great with Tracy's kids, too. JBelle did a good job in teaching him to "fear the baby." The baby also feeds him cheese, so I'm pretty sure he's not going to mess that opportunity up.

I joined Schnozz's online group, WWW. And I've done nothing with it. I really should. I owe my friend, Em from Ohio, a thousand words by the 20th of July and I would really like them to be fresh words. I don't want to send her something old just for the sake of sending something. I need to WRITE. But this is somewhat hard when I have to check out of my hotel by 11 AM. Although, I could just get up with CS at 5 AM. Even though this option is NOT appealing to me. I sort of did today, but then I fell back asleep and got up at 9. Like normal. I was productive though, as we went to the park and Hunt burned off his energy. Thank goodness for 95-degree weather at 9 AM. Kills all the fun!

Go, Go Toledo

I'm here in Toledo with Annushka. We went sunbathing today, after lunch at Starbucks then again in her back yard. I understand how people get obsessed with the tanning beds because I am the same way, just with actual sunshine. It's best when there is a body of water standing by, like the pool at home or a lake, but I can lay out for a few hours without it. I do have to shower afterwards though. Sweaty is not the look I like to go for.

Sally is getting ready to move into her apartment in AA so this morning we checked out some cookware sets at JCP. I couldn't help but wonder all the things I'm going to need when I get to New Mexico. Like, do we have dishes? What kind of shower curtain am I going to want? Rug from Target for the kitchen floor? Yes, I can just ask CS what he has, but I'm not really going to know until I get down there. He says that we only need the essentials and that he has everything we need. I somehow doubt this. I am a girl, after all. I'm kind of proving him right, actually. Since he thinks it's scarier for a guy to have a girl move in with him rather than a girl moving in with a guy. Because girls come in and change everything to be like how they want it to be. And while I'm laid back and not worried that maybe his sheets won't match my conforter, I am wondering if I'm going to be making dinner out of a skillet or something like that. Boys. Such a mystery.

But then again, I like surprises!

Beachy Keen

I just got back from the beach. My skin is getting so pretty! Although, I have to say, the beach is fun but it's not so awesome being there alone. It's more fun to have someone to complain about the dead fish smell and the heat. And it's more fun to go in the water with someone, as I am afraid of lakes. Sharks in lakes, actually.

There was an adorable Bernese Mountain dog puppy there too. And a huge yellow Lab that made me miss my Hunty Hunt. Duncan is right next to me right now but he's not so much like Hunter. A lot smaller, for one. And also, if I start poking him, he ignores me. I am so beneath him, I think.

Anyways, I should shower and get the sand off of me before Sarah comes home and we go see Knocked Up. Her boytoy won't go with her because he says it's "bad juju", which I think is hilarious, so we are going to go!

I hope it's sunny tomorrow to. I can't handle the Ohio rains right now. It's way more fun when it's sunny!

Hello Ohio!

EEEK! I'm here in Ohio. And having a good time on my own. Kirstin has to work so I am entertaining myself. Today I met Liz for lunch and then went back to her house for some beer drinking on her back porch. At 3 PM. I love being unemployed!

*****************
Thursday:

I'm getting a tan. It's awesome. I got up this morning and took Kirstin to work and then stopped at Tim Horton's and almost died of happiness. Do you know how much I love Timmy Ho's? Enough to move back here, that's how much. And I couldn't believe that I had forgotten about Tim Ho's on Wednesday and that I actually considered going to Starbucks that morning for coffee. Who the fuck does that? No one who has had Tim Horton's coffee and a 10 pack of Timbits, that's for sure.

Anyways, after that lovely breakfast I watched some Desperate Housewives on my laptop before going for a run around the apartment complex. I found a field, and that was a gold mine. Except for the fact that I cannot run anymore, I have no stamina for it. And I felt like dying at the end. Mostly because breathing hurt so much. After the run, I moseyed my way down to the pool and settled in with some Harry Potter. And got some wicked, hott tan lines. Which I plan on continuing to develop as the vacation progresses. Because I like tan lines, personally.

Tomorrow we are going to head up to Cleveland for Krista's wedding. Hopefully some of the OWU folk will be there too! I would also like it to continue to be low humidity, but I think it rolled back in this evening and I am going to HATE tomorrow afternoon. It's one thing for it to be hot, quite another to deal with my hair and skin with hot and wet.

I'm still going to go to New Mexico after I get back. (What? You didn't know I'm going to New Mexico? Hmm. I wonder why.) Anyways, that whole thing is either going to be somewhat complicated or really easy. It just depends on when CS has to leave Lamar and if I'm driving down with him. And what I'm taking with me. Apparently, I want to take as little as possible. I hope he understands that yarn is vital to my well being and that I am so buying that multi-colored rug from Target for the kitchen. I am the motherfucking Princess. But, God, he treats me like I am.

Ok, time to go pack before I get all gooey on you. He's fishing in the dark so no phone calls tonight.

Dude, WTF?

Hi guys, I've been unemployed for the past week and OMG it is fantastic. Never mind I'm not making money, but hey! Who needs money to sleep in and lounge around all the time? NOT ME!

Actually, I've been kind of busy. Monday was the 5th Annual Kenny/Jess/And now Jayden Zoo Day! It was lots of fun, despite the many, many times JBelle asked to see more animals as we were on our way to see more animals. Three year olds? Are really repetative. Monday afternoon my Check Engine light came on and I got to deal with that fun again. Luckily, nothing major was wrong and the valve that was stuck open can now close. I need to start telling my car that the drama is over, please stop acting like a 13 year old girl.

Monday and Tuesday were spent in Denver, and while I'm not sure we did anything it was a lot of fun. I almost bought an ipod, but I am now glad I did not. Even if that limited edition red one is totally calling my name right now.

Oh, this is totally exciting for me to tell you. A few weeks ago, I discovered two little red, rashy spots on my stomach. They were too high up to be something caused by my clothing but they didn't itch and I mostly ignored them. Until last Friday when I discovered they started to fucking multiply. I called my Dr. on Monday but they couldn't get me in until Thursday. Which was fine, especially since on Thursday morning I woke up and found about 17 more spots right around my underwear line. It's so nice to wake up to red bumps. Not alarming at all! Anyways, I go to the Dr. and it turns out I have pityriosis rosea, which is a rash that is caused by something, they don't know and also there is no treatment. But it will go away. It's just on my torse, and it's not contagious. I always seem to get weird diseases that aren't harmful, just unheard of.

Ok, I'm procrastinating packing so I best get my butt into the library to say goodbyes before I go back home and pack all my shit into rubbermaid bins.

Ciao!

Phone Interview

I'm currently on the phone. Speakerphone, actually. But I'm not saying a whole lot. Just listening.

My grandparents are driving up from Oklahoma and due to the insane winds of the past few days, they had a late start and decided to stay the night in Lamar. They set up their RV on the south side of Lamar for the evening. Right now there are three people in their RV, and I make an invisible fourth. The third person is CS.

All evening long, my mom kept telling me that my grandparents were in Lamar and was CS going to go see him. I told her he would if I told him about it, and she didn't believe me. So I told him and he did. I called them and told them he was coming just in case that wasn't ok. (Even if it wasn't ok, I think it would have been fair to send him over since Grandpa went on and on about how they saw him at dinner with a red headed woman and four kids.) CS sent me a message right before he knocked on their door and I could hear him over the phone. I'm very amused. I'm sure my grandpa is tickled pink. He likes that kind of courteous behavior. I suppose I do too, or I wouldn't have sent him over. It was good for a laugh though.

Tomorrow's my last day of work. Of course, I'm excited. But it's going to go by so fast. And of course, I'm stressed out about leaving because I have two little red rashes on my stomach and when I showed them to my mom she gasped and said "Oh no! Are you getting shingles again?" Which, THANKS. I wanted a more, nonchalant answer. Like, "oh, no it's just dry skin. Put some lotion on it." I'm sure I'm not getting shingles, those spots hurt the last time. And I'm sure it's just dry skin and I need to put some cortisone on it. But it's not really something you want to think about right before you lose your health insurance.

Ok, Never Mind

Hey! Crisis over! Not that there ever was a crisis, but I was having a slight freak out most of yesterday. And I'm better now. A night with a few bottles of wine on a patio can really, really turn your day around. Thank you, Yellow Tail and my new friend Lace. Just what I needed.

So Sunday night, I went over to CS's house because he had planned to be leaving that night for Lamar to start work the next morning. I showed up, and he was in the garage working on a project for his dad. He told me that he needed to tell me something and that he didn't know how much I already knew about it. It being that he is going through a divorce. This explains why so many people asked him if I was his wife. I simply thought it was a funny to to ask, and blamed it on being drunk. Never did I think that perhaps he was married! I just wondered why they didn't choose girlfriend as the term. Anyways, my ignorance aside, he was married and is now in the middle/end of a divorce. He told me this and then told me that the conversation we had in jest the night before about me going with him to New Mexico wasn't all joke and I was welcome to go with him. (Gosh, this sounds a lot worse than it really is.) There was a lot of other conversation thrown in there but I suppose I can keep some of that to myself.

Yeah, this is crazy and maybe has "RUN AWAY" written all over it. Maybe I will. For now, I'm going to Ohio on the 18th. And I'll keep re-evaluating all of this as I go. What will be, will be. Yes, it's crazy that he wants me to go with him when we just started dating. Could be fun. Could be bad. But it's not everyday that someone offers to simply take care of you. And tell me, if that were to happen to you, or has happened to you, how in the world do you disregard it?

Life's messy. But I like to play.

I'd Like To Be Mindless

But SO MUCH is right in front of my face it's impossible for me to be careless and post stories about what I am doing right now. Because Right NOW, this is on my plate:

*Moving to Ohio
*Stay in Colorado
*Moving to New Mexico (what you didn't know about NM? OH ME EITHER.)
*Making statements about how I don't ask too questions in a new relationship because "I like surprises" and then finding out why he laughed so hard at me for that. BIG FUCKING SURPRISES. Ones that have mixed reviews the more people I tell.
*Packing. How I'm going to move all the stuff I have, because I have a lot and I can't decide between a Uhaul and a moving company. Any thoughts?
*New relationship man (What to call him...) moving to Lamar for the next month this morning. Where he'll be for the rest of the week. Til Sunday, actually. So much for being able to get over the shock of News and then discuss it. I only abhor serious phone calls a tad bit more than I do text messaging.
*Where am I going to work? Live? Roommate?
*What shoes am I going to wear to Krista's wedding?
*This is my last week at work. I have so much to do. And I can't stop thinking about it all.

I need 8 hours of sleep and some therapy.

Dance? On the Bar? Why Not!

Last night, in my first drunken night since El Surgery, I decided that the Manhattan's bar staff should dance on the bar. Gooood plan. Actually, no one cared. Which may have been the best part about it. The bar had been busy before we came in but just as we got there the crowd of KU geologists left because they had to get up at 7. Pansies! Some nice KU boy gave me a cinnamon toothpick, and I put it in my pocket for later. I'm surprised I didn't stab myself with it. What a dangerous night, fraught with spicy shards of wood and standing on bars surrounded by glass bottles.

We're closing the library early today to hash out the new library plans with the architects. I'm sad to give up my comfy desk chair to sit in a cold basement. But it means I'm less likely to slap myself awake at 3 PM.

So Much To Do. Too Lazy.

It's occurred to me that I'm waiting for a Golden Plan to drop from the sky and make a straight path to my future.

This makes me mad. Why should I have to choose this? Why do I have to make it all happen? It'd be so much easier if it could just happen to me and I have to go along. These choices are hard. I don't want to make them. You do it.

Oh, wait. I've been here before. I can't let you do it. I have to. And I need to decide soon. My time is running out. So like me to leave it all for the last minute.

I'm sorry. I'm bound to disappoint someone. I just hope I don't disappoint myself.

Dark Days

The past few days have had me feeling out of sorts. I suspect it's mostly tiredness, since I stayed out till 4 AM for four days, but there are a few things that contributed to the gloom. It's interesting to me that I can pinpoint my emotions and be somewhat detached from them. I can analyze them, and function on a basic level even while obsessing over them.

We got Jayden on Sunday night and ran a few errands afterwards. (Target!) While in Target, Jayden decided she had to pee and instead of informing us, she peed on the floor in the dairy section. When we went to check out, she said she had to pee again and we took her seriously this time. On our way back from the bathroom, I was carrying her and she had her arms wrapped around my neck and she said "I missed you." What's she going to do when I move to Ohio? What am I going to do with out her? She's my little playmate, I'm never tired of her and I work around children all the time and frequently hate them. I have a song I sing to Hunter and I started singing it to JBelle this weekend. I say "Who is my loave?" and she sings back "I am" or "I am your love." At dinner, her mom's BF started talking about how she says "actually" a lot and in the right context. Mom and I looked at each other and I said "I say that a lot, don't I" and she responded "All the time."

And all of you say, "I know. It's going to be hard. But it will be ok." And it's not. It never will be ok. I will miss out on so much. Here is a little girl who is a part of me. She is my niece. Sure, she's friendly and adorable to strangers and acquaintances. But when she sees me, it's something else. She loves me, and that was no easy trust to forge. She is my love.

So it's hard to accept the fact that I am moving away from her. When I have the option to stay here. That I am giving it up because "it's best for me." That's so fucking selfish. Her father is a complete failure, and I am her family. And I want to move away? It's just frustrating to me. There is no right place for me to go. I'm trapped again.

OMG. Am Idiot. Damn Google.

So, I've been under the impression that this blog is somewhat a secret. And I am naive. I've googled myself lots of time to see if this comes up, and it only does if I type in the name of the blog. So, safe right?

No. Silly, silly me.

Because I had a Xanga one before, when everyone at OWU was doing it and I had to join in! When I quit Xanga, I left everything up there and put the link to this blog in my last post. And a Google search will pull up the Xanga site and bring you right here.

Hi! I don't know who you are. I'm hoping you're not BB's GF, but then you'd have read my letter. Which may explain your letter to me on MySpace. Although, I must say, it's very cowardly to post a letter to someone then change your profile to public but keep the blog private. Doncha think? And while I'm on a soap box, do you not also think it's wrong to hate the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with while still staying with the man? Just saying. Hate the player, not the game... is that how it goes?

(Sorry my friend who DO read this. This is my way of NOT contacting her and giving her the satisfaction of knowing I saw that. I can't be the bigger person all the fucking time. I'm a girl after all.)

Anyways, back to Who Reads This. Honestly, I don't care. I feel like I had an awkward moment last Saturday when an former co-worker came by and we started talking and she knew so much about what I have been up to and we haven't talked in forever. (Hi! I remember I gave this to you, I'm glad you read!) But it was funny to me, and took me off guard because I've never had that before. And another thing is that I've stopped censoring what I am saying. I'm being, omg, Honest. No, I don't care if what's her face Googled me, found my old blog, came to the new one, and read everything. Nor do I care if someone from OWU reads this. If I didn't want people to find this, then I shouldn't have been so stupid as to make it public knowledge. But with all the drama of yesterday and seeing the letter to me, I started thinking about the things I've said publicly, albeit somewhat privately, and if I'm in the wrong too. I have a strict policy of not making my MySpace private, nor do I track people. I don't delete comments. If my MySpace gets to the point I need a private profile so people can't read what's on it, then I am deleting it. And I'm not judging those of you who do have private profiles because I understand why you do. These are my rules. I don't post things on MySpace that I don't want people to see, like this, so why would I break my rule in allowing this site to be Googleable? Big mistake! And perhaps I am paying for it.

I'm pretty sure that I know most of the people who read this and know me. I'm pretty sure She doesn't read this blog. If she does, I don't know why. And I'm not going to worry about it. But I have to say it's really hard to be the adult. To not give in to the part of my head that says "play that game." It's hard to know the truth of a situation because I am older and wiser in this game of relationships. It sucks to keep my mouth shut and my knowledge to myself because I'm going to be the bigger person. I don't play games. I won't ask her what she has to say to me because she has nothing to say to me. I'm the Ex-GF and she's the GF, but trust me, it is so much better on my side of the fence.

Just Warn Me First

I'm less hateful today. I do wish I could be outside, it's a lovely day. One for tanning! I didn't go to the HS graduation because I have to work. It's nice because sitting in the bleachers for two hours gets hot, hot, hot! But it would be a chance to wear my J Crew dress I'm in love with again. Even if it tends to show a little too much skin. Not my fault!

I'm somewhat tired today, even though my body woke up at 7 this morning. After going to bed at 3. I could blame Hunter for the waking. He's rather demanding in the mornings. But then he comes and lays right behind me then puts his nose right on my neck and sighs. Very sweet. Almost makes up for the fact that he will soon be stepping on my face.

I went out last night with a group of people I've never gone out with before. I tend to do that when I know a lot of people. I never stay with just one group. I like that, keeps things interesting and the drama at a minimum. I had my first drink since before surgery and it didn't hurt! But then I hurt this morning, so maybe not ready yet. I'll wait another week. Or maybe just till Monday. It's interesting to me how a place can be different depending on the people you are with. When I'm with the pirates, Manhattans is loud and full of movement: dancing, conversations with many people, going outside. One of my HS BFF's, Amanda goes out with me on Thursdays and we seem to spend a lot of time apart except when we are dancing. Last night I sat at a table for most of the night, talking and posing for pictures. I also find myself dating someone again (a boy this time, much to my mother's approval. And a blonde, much to my chagrin. kidding...) and that adds a new element to the picture of going out. I'm so good at being hesitant and almost disinterested in the beginning of new relationships. I get scared easily. I run away. Because I know if I don't, I end up completely entranced and caught up. I think it's simply the part of me that hates change. But I force myself through it, to accept it and actively pursue it. It's funny, that I would be affected by change, when I put myself through so much.

HATE

I've been saying this a lot today.

Because I'm very upset. And HATE.

I got a call from my insurance assessor on Tuesday. She told me she paid for the fuel line/engine/gas bullshit repairs at the mechanics and I needed to pay my (1st) deductible before they would release my car to the body shop for the final stage- painting. I faxed my info that day. The body shop didn't get my car back until Wednesday at noon. I talked to them on Wednesday, they said they needed two days to paint it. So I figured Friday would be the day I get it back.

No.

I called today. They said they had painted it this morning but that it was still not dry. So I tell her I need my car by Monday. I have to work tomorrow so I have Monday off and I am going to Denver to sit in the sun and eat Spicy Pickle. They ask me when I was leaving for Denver. I say in the morning (although now I'm going up on Sunday night and probably staying till Tuesday morning.) Lady on the phone says they don't even open till 8. I say I'll come get the car at 8. She says no, won't be ready till noon. Call around 11.

Umm. What. The. Fuck.

They are going to have my car for almost a week after they got it back from the mechanics and I can't have it until (maybe) noon on Monday? That's THREE FUCKING DAYS of drying time, assuming that they really did paint it today.

No. HATE.

HATE
HATE
HATE

They have had my car for over a month now. It's fucking time to give it back to me. I'm so angry. They aren't helping. And I WILL be driving by the shop tonight to see if my car is sitting outside, unpainted. And if it is, I will HATE even more. Possibly steal car back. Fuckers.

Puffy Puppykins!

My brother called me yesterday around lunch time to tell me that Hunter's face was very swollen. He was acting normal but his snout and eyes were very puffy. I called my vet and they said to bring him in that afternoon. My normal vet is at least an hour away, so I called every place in town to get him in that afternoon. My last choice said I could bring him in at 2:30. I dislike them because they advocate spaying and neutering your pets too young and I disagree with that. It is not healthy! Anyways, they were the only vet in town that could take us. (Seriously? That's just weird.) So my brother brings Hunter to me at work, and he is a complete FAT FACE. His eyes were like bulgy golf balls and his snout looked just like those pictures where the animals head is seventy times larger than the body. He was happy as could be, though. Just slightly misshapen. And his snuffing around sounded a little different. The vet determined that it probably wasn't a snake bite, as they leave puncture wounds. So that left bad spider bite, or bee sting. Two shots later, and a $60 bill, he's no longer puffy. The swelling went down rather quickly after he got the medicine, and he was back to his annoying, demanding self. I brought him back to work with me where he was quite unhappy to not be allowed to run and play with the kids around him. And why couldn't he sit on my lap and whine? Surprisingly, he chilled the heck out when I started putting books away. He decided not to keep his head out the window on the way home, opting instead for my lap. He's still a bit mopey this morning, but it was quite an eventful day for him yesterday. Maybe he will learn that bees are NOT for eating. Somehow, I doubt it.