Apparently, Santa Did Bring Gifts.

Not true, but there were gifts under the tree on Christmas morning that weren't there when I went to bed so Gramma claimed he showed up. Jacob didn't leave any cookies but he found the breast milk in the freezer.

Jacob got a truck load of presents. My mom didn't do much since she's practically supporting us and I'm fine with that. She buys him something new nearly everytime we leave the house together so Christmas is a weekly thing for him. We just don't wrap them. CS's parents did the whole "first time grandparents" thing and drove two hours to get him a bouncy horse toy on Christmas eve. He got three play yards, a Bumbo seat, multiple light up toys, clothes, and money. I think I'm going to buy him a wipe warmer when I take back all the duplicate things he has received. Because we need to have warm wipes on cold mornings. For the baby butts!

I had a splendid Christmas. Full of cooking items and KitchenAid mixers. I learned that Pyrex makes measuring cups larger than four cups and I've decided that I MUST HAVE ONE. But I didn't see any at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. So I got an adjustable measuring spoon. It does not compare.

But now we are back to normal. No more holiday gatherings, just home for a few days. Much laundry to be done.

Tooths.

Mah baby is getting a TOOTH. He's only three (almost four) months old! And there is a bottom tooth coming in. I found it yesterday, somehow I decided to rub his gum and I felt it. Today you can see it, just an itty bitty spot of white coming through him gum. I suppose this explains the sudden onset of drooling, all those little outfits soaked with baby spit. What I don't understand is why he has been so easy going. No out of control crying or tantrums. Just the same sweet little boy who gets upset when he gets tired because it's too exciting to sleep. I am so lucky to have such an amazing baby.

I had a meltdown today. Completely lost my composure after talking to CS and I sat on the floor next to Jacob in his bouncy seat and sobbed. When I looked up, he was watching me. Grinning his toothless, gummy smile because Mama is making funny noise. It's really hard to be sad after that. He makes everything so good. Even right now when things are very bad, I am at peace with Jacob. He is the best thing in my life and I cannot regret him. I love every minute of being a stay at home mama to him.

Our future is so uncertain right now and I'm worried about what is going to happen. Everyday I feel like I reach a breaking point, yet I have no courage to talk about it. I'm out of options, tired of fighting, on the verge of apathy. Somedays it's like we are just beating a dead horse to see if we can make it move. I never saw this coming.

All I Want For Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas Jacob gave to me:

Twelve baby laughs
Eleven toothless smiles
Ten fingers clutching
Nine teething rings
Eight duckies quacking
Seven bathtime splashes
Six diapers changes
Five fuzzy blankies
Four squeaky toys
Three pacifiers
Two spit up rags
And a baby with a bald head!

Check Your Baby At The Door

That's pretty much what I do when I walk in to CS's parents house. Unless I'm feeding him, I don't get to touch him. This is hard for me because I spend every other minute of the day with him in a two foot radius of me. Except for the times I successfully manuvere him from my body to the couch during a nap. Or if someone else is holding him, like my mom or his daddy. Except during those times, he's probably watching my every move with those blue eyes. So all the creates some tension with me when I walk in to a house and must surrender my baby. I'm also convinced that it affects him when this happens because it's like taking away his main source of comfort. However, no one is taking away that damn pacifier.

I honestly shouldn't complain. I'm glad that they are so proud of having a grandchild and I know that they love him. I'm sure my mom is different from them because she gets to see him so much more, but it's hard not to compare. My mom likes to watch him with me where CS's parents seem to get their pleasure from being with Jacob. They are different in their methods of play, too. Not everyone can be a baby person. Somehow, it runs strongly in my family. Not so much in CS's. Although, I'm still miffed at how my mom can get Jacob to laugh for the first time, make noise while patting on his mouth, and flip him around on the bed with no crying. Maybe she's the baby whisperer.

Here We Go Again

So CS got laid off yesterday. The contracts the company had for the next few months fell through and they don't have anymore work for him. So he got on the phone and started calling people he worked with in the past and found a company that's hiring for a job in Port Arthur, Texas. The Fort Collins idea won't work because they only want to pay him $24 an hour which does not cut it for us. See: Truck, Student Loans, Rent. But the job in Texas pays well and gives per diem. So as long as he can get on with them, we're going. Not sure when, because it's Christmas and all. But bills don't just disappear during Christmas time.

I'm ok with leaving. Of course it makes me sad to leave with Jacob because I know everyone is going to miss him. Especially my mom because we're living here and she gets to see him on a daily basis while CS's parents see him about twice a week. I'm sure they will miss him, but it can't be the same. I'm going to miss having people I know around, but I know that we aren't leaving forever. Ideally, I'd only like to leave long enough to get out of debt from the baby and CS leaving LPR. Save a little money and come back.

We told our families about the Texas plan and they re-acted exactly like I thought they would. CS's mom didn't tell him not to go, but she made a lot of comments about how Jacob wouldn't have any Grandma time, and what would he do! And my mom said nothing about how she wold miss us. It's just one of the ways our families are wildly different. His family has a harder time with them being gone. My mom has never made an issue about me leaving. I know we both think about each other and wish we could be in the same place but know it's not practical for the two of us. That's how is should be, a parent shouldn't make their child feel guilty for doing what's best for them. That's the whole point of raising your children right, that they become capable adults who do what needs to be done. I will never discourage Jacob to stay close to home because I want him close. I want him to go off to college, as long as we can afford it, and see other parts of the country. I guess what I'm most worried about is that his parents will convince him to stay by dropping small comments about how far away we will be, how they'll miss us, how Jacob needs grandparents and family, etc. I don't think CS and I have reached the point where our family is above his family. Maybe I'm wrong. Just another thing to work on.

Roll Over

Jacob officially rolled over today. He's done it before, but it was sort of an accident and he hadn't repeated it until tonight. So I guess those small snatches of "tummy time" have paid off. My boy can push up with his arms so his head it up and he can roll over. Bonus parent points for me. Now I just can't leave him alone on the changing table or the couch without being propped in place. Not that I would ever do either of those things on an hourly basis.

I went to Planned Parenthood today and got some more birth control pills. Rather convenient, I think. Of course, it's not as cheap as the co-pay on our old health insurance but twenty five is not bad for pills. Why can't they be free again? At least we won't be having no more babies for a while.

And on a side note, Colorado has a program for pregnant women. Moms on Medicaid. This would have been useful, oh about SIX MONTHS AGO.

Planning

I went to Planned Parenthood today to look into getting birth control though them so I don't have no more babies. I asked about an IUD, too. But those suckers are about $500 without insurance and at that rate, I might as well pay for birth control because it'd equal out to that amount at two years and that's when I plan on having another baby.

Anyways, while I was standing in line to make an appointment, I noticed the teenage girl in front of me. When she got up to the window, she asked for her prescription then picked out eight condoms from the candy condom jar next to the window. I thought it was cute. Way to go, teenage girl. I applaud your wisdom.

Temple. Peanut, Pimp!

When I started reading the Advice Smackdown by Amalah, I started using Philosophy soon after. I got the Purity wash and the Hope in a Jar to start and noticed a great difference in my face after that. Then I got pregnant and my pretty skin decided to rebel for ten months and then some. For the last few months of my pregnancy, my chin was a constant battle of oozing pimples and sore bumps. I continued to use Philosophy but nothing helped. No matter how long I kept the wash on my face or stood there with hot washcloths pressed to the trouble spots, nothing was helping. I hated it. Not just because it was ugly, but because it hurt! And I couldn't do anything about it because it was completely hormonal. Only now, that my hormones are starting to recede is my face clearing up. But so slowly. Now, instead of huge whiteheaded pimples, I have pimples that turn into blood blisters deep in my skin, leaving dark purple bruise-like spots on my face. It goes really well with the look I'm trying to cultivate. You know, the teenage mom with an unplanned baby. So a little teenage acne goes well with the rest of the picture.

NaBloPoMo is over and I'm glad I did it this year. It gave me a little something to do, generally right before bed but I could have used my time a little more wisely. Or just posted more pictures!

Watching Hunter

Jacob showed an interest in Hunter the other day. However, Hunter was chewing a bone and could care less. I'm more impressed with the fact that 1) I put Jacob on the floor and he was happy and 2) Hunter didn't try to lick or step on Squally Thing.

Day Two

Jacob and I went to CS's families house for Thanksgiving today. CS couldn't be there because he is heading to Ohio today, which is sad because you always want to spend a holiday with your significant other if you're going to their house. It's not awkward, but it's not the same when you don't have that anchor. I suppose you could call Jacob the anchor now, but I regard him as mine so that doesn't work. (You think that's mean to regard him as mine? I don't. I feed him, change him, dress him, comfort him, play with him, generally devote my entire self to him. He is mine. CS is a guest appearance right now, especially with work taking him away.) His family has a tradition of writing out five things that they are thankful for this year and one of his dad's was me. Which is so sweet and somewhat undeserved. I enjoy his family though. Just wish I wasn't doing this alone.

Despite two Thanksgiving dinners, I am still not ready to quit eating. Tomorrow I'm going to have breakfast with my oldest friend and later meet up with old family friends to show off the baby. I'm quite sure food will be involved at all events. Fortunately, I'm breastfeeding and this means I can eat like a horse and still be hungry. It's mostly in the evening that I discover my appetite is enormous and I can probably eat as much as CS. Maybe my body is lacking in nutrition at the end of the day, or I'm not giving it enough to eat during the day. All I know is that I can eat a plateful of food and still go back for more. Hopefully this tapers off when I'm not longer feeding two bodies. I'd like to get thighs that don't rub together and a stomach that's flat and fits into my old jeans without a muffin top. Nothing screams sexy mom like a muffin top. EWWW.

Thankful

For my little boy, who is showing me everyday that little boys make great children.

For CS, who is going away this week because he has to support us.

For Hunter, even though he stinks like bad things right now, he's been a good dog with this whole "squally thing" we're thrown at him.

For my mom, who has gone above and beyond for us right now.

For JBelle, for trying to nurse her baby doll in the car the other afternoon and letting Jacob use her Scooby blanket.

For my good friends, who send puffy vests for Jacob or drop everything to come be there for me.

And for a great day filled with turkey, pumpkin pie with real whipped cream, Battleship, sweet potatoes, Yahtzee, and naps as a family.

BUMMER!

CS is leaving again on Friday. However, this is not the main point of contention on that subject. He's leaving for,GET THIS, freaking Ohio. Pinkerton? Someplace close to Columbus. He asked his boss if I could come along but the insurance for the company wouldn't cover me if anything went wrong so he thought it was a bad idea right now. I'm so bummed. They are driving, so if he would let me, I could totally go. Never mind the fact that Jacob would hate two days in the car, but I could see everyone! Have a meet and greet Jacob! But no, I'll be here. Having Thanksgiving dinner with his family without CS. Another week of just me and Jake. It means less laundry and the bed to myself. But knowing he will be in Ohio, just a short drive away from all of you back there makes for a glum week.

Dear Diary

Dear Economy,

I know you're in a terrible place right now but gosh love you because I filled up my car today for less than twenty dollars and my low fuel light was on so it wasn't like I had some in reserve. Keep up the good work. Maybe now that it doesn't cost a fortune to drive around, I can buy more stuff and help you out a little.


Dear JBelle,

It was adorable when you tried to nurse your baby doll today. You're going to be a great little mama.


Dear Jacob,

When you try and talk to me, I simply cannot resist you. Especially when you throw in those grins for good measure.



Dear Hunter,

Please do not bark at me and Jacob anymore. And I'm sorry we didn't go for a walk today.



Dear Post Partum Acne,

It's been almost three months. Please go away.

Grumpygills

I'm pretty sure that I'm totally against CS's job right now. This is a bad thing for me to express given the fact that we NEED him to have a job or I have to go back to work next month. He cannot quit this job without having a new one to go to immediately. However, I have my reasons.

#1: It takes him away from us.
#2: They don't actually pay that well when he's not away on a job.
#3: He missed his flight because he was called to the jobsite this morning to fix something and when he went to get his boarding pass, the airline charged him $75 that he had to put on MY CARD because the company card didn't work.
#4: He flew into Denver tonight and no one was scheduled to pick him up, nor was a car dropped off for him in advance. So guess who has to go get him? (Not from Denver, I just have to meet him in Colorado Springs because a co-worker is picking him up.)
#5: See above-All Reasons.

I am not aspiring to have buckets full of money like we did in New Mexico when he worked all the time and made a fortune an hour. I don't need a lot of money. It doesn't make me happy. I just save it. Which actually makes me happier than spending it. Anyways. I just want to feel comfortable with what we have. I want a place to live, money to pay the bills and buy the food without worrying that we can't afford that kind of juice or two boxes of cereal. I want to fill up my gas tank and buy a decaf coffee once in a while. I'm not looking to own fancy baby toys or pretty clothes from JCrew. I just don't want to be so damn broke anymore.

Tired

Sometimes, our relationship is so hard. Ovbiously, this is not a novel concept in the history of relationships. It's normal, and probably healthy but it's so damn hard. I can't imagine life without him, especially now that we have this beautiful little boy. Even on the days when I'm so fed up with everything, I start crying when I think about doing it alone. This week was long, I was counting down the days on the day he left. This job is not going to work for us. I can't raise a baby when he's gone for a week every month. I can't have a relationship with someone if we don't have one for a week of the month. Because when he's gone, he's gone. Phone calls are brief, he's to busy to respond to text, time changes, and general lack of conversation is going to ruin us. I moved away from here a year ago to be away from this place. I do not want to raise a baby here. I love being with our families, but that's not what is best for us. It's not best for Jacob. I've been in control of my life for years, ever since I realized how to be my own person. I can be difficult to partner with because I'm strict about money and saving and no more debt. Now my life and my reputation is in his hands, and I don't trust him enough anymore to feel safe there. I'm tired of the power struggle between who's right and who's wrong and waiting for things to be done when I've asked a million times. It's terrible to be in love, and feel alone next to each other in bed. I hate putting the frustration behind me only to have it rear it's head the next day. I carry my share of blame. I don't let things go easily and I get frustrated quickly. I'm not asking for the end, I'm just waiting for a change.

Two Months, Going On Three

Personally, I'm enjoying this newborn phase. I like the two hour naps he takes every other hour. I used to worry that he'd sleep too much and be awake all night, but I have a sleepy boy. He loves his sleep, much like his daddy to my chagrin. Mostly I love naps because it means that I no longer have to hold him while he fights sleep and whines about it. He's getting better about being put down and looking at the toys I place around him. But going to sleep on his own is often a fight between him and sleep. Holding him seems to convince him that yes, he is tired. Unlike his cousin, he cannot fake sleep.
















He's on the verge of real baby laughs. Last night, right after he started crying for no reason, my mom took all his clothes off and let him be naked on the floor. She was blowing air on his stomach and then she started tickling his sides with her fingers and my sensitive little boy almost started belly laughing. Especially when she got up to his armpits. I can't wait for those laughs. On the other hand, CS is waiting for him to be big enough to toss into the air. Good news, Jacob likes to be held upside down. Tossing is not far off.


Unexpected noises startle him now. Emma barked the other night and he flung his hands out and three seconds later started crying. I pulled my camera off a coffee table and knocked over a candlestick on accident and the same crying ensued. He can also stick out his lower lip when he's preparing to wail and it's hard to comfort when he's so damn adorable. Today he's been waking up by a loud cry, except his eyes are still closed and he's really not awake. Just thinking that maybe he'd like to wake up soon. Or maybe trying to trick me into holding him some more. I think that's his favorite trick. My least favorite is when he refuses to nurse when we wake up in the morning and his little body goes stiff and straight in anger.

My dozy newborn is gone. Replaced with a really chunky baby who likes to smile up at before nursing. Or watches me from the bouncy seat on the table as I make dinner. And almost laughs when I poke him in the armpits. It's a good thing he sleeps though. I'm told I don't deserve it.

Two Sisters And One Almost

I've never been very good at keeping friends. Since I was homeschooled, I didn't have many childhood friends. There were kids in 4-H, but that was only at fair. There were some "unschooled" boys we played with, but that faded once we started public school. I had one friend in 7th grade, but she moved to Texas. I made a new best friend in 8th grade, and that lasted until 10th grade when I made friends at my new school. At my high school, I had lots of friends. But that faded once I started college. Then in college, I had millions of friends. Groups and cliques and sorority sisters. Of course, I had my best friends there. The ones that knew me best, because they'd seen the worst and stuck around. We grew up together, in a sense. (insert cliche about finding yourself in college) I had great friends in college. Witty, smart, beautiful, and always so happy. Then college ended and we immersed ourselves in the "real world." There's not enough time out here to keep in touch with dozens of friends. But I take great pride in the three relationships I have with my college friends. Out of the dozens, I have three. That seems so small, and a little sad because it used to be four. But those three people are worth more to me than I can say. I don't get to see or hear from them daily, but it doesn't matter. None of them are friends with each other. They are mine, alone. And these three make me want to keep in touch. I don't want to start over. After years of not having a history with someone, I want to keep making it with them.

How To...

Make a baby milk shake-

Eat massive amounts of chocolate in the late afternoon/evening.

Allow baby to fall asleep and wake around 5 AM.

Bring baby to bed, latch him on with his freezing cold hands next to the boob.

Enjoy!

Needed: One Daddy

Mama and baby Jacob are asleep on the couch at 11:30. Have been sleeping for one hour. Jacob's back is covered in sweat from Mama's arm. Mama has spit up on her tank top. Need Daddy to hold baby and for keeping Mama from falling asleep as she types. Daddy should be able to change diapers, bounce baby on knee, and make Mama laugh. Large muscles a bonus. There is no pay and must be able to put up with Hunter.

Sweetness

I am currently eating an ice cream cone. I also had cake today. However, I'm getting frustrated with this post partum body I've got going on. I'm only about five pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and if I could work out everyday, I'd lose that in a snap. But it's the flabby, stretched out belly skin that I can't get over. Now that winter is coming, I'm losing my chances of getting out of the house to work out and I haven't worked out while Jacob sleeps yet because I am lazy. And my yoga DVD is packed away. (Except I know where it is, but I have to go to the shed and move boxes to get it, and ugh.) I shouldn't complain, especially when I read about women who struggle with getting their bodies back and how long it takes...but I'm ready to look cute again. Or be able to wear jeans without feeling a gross muffin top puffing out of my jeans when I sit down to nurse.

So I really should be giving up the brown butter cake and ice cream cones. But then again, it's my only vice. It's not like I have greasy hamburgers and french fries on a weekly basis. Although, it does sound awfully good right about now.

Almost A Flop

This post is brought to you by a round about way. I am ready for bed. I went into the bedroom, prepared to get into bed. I put my cell phone on the night stand and realized that I don't have a cloth diaper there so I had to go out into the living room where I left the stack of fresh diapers. When I grabbed one, I remembered the post Alexa from Flotsam put up about going out and buying packages of cloth diapers because her commentors told her that was crucial to baby rearing. And then I remembered that I have a blog, and I have to post one today or I lose.

So I don't lose!

CS left for North Carolina this morning and he got there late tonight. I wish I could have gone with him, as I've never been to NC but that's not an option when the company flies you out. And he shares a hotel room with a co-worker. Life on the road is not family friendly. I miss him already.

Although, chances are, that if I was in NC? I'd probably rent a car and drive to Ohio. Because I miss it!

Five

Five Things I Want For Jacob:

1) Go to a college he (or I) can pay for without taking loans that will consume his paycheck post graduation. I love my college memories, but I wish I could have gone to a school I could afford. I don't want my son to start his adult life with crushing debt.

2) Fall in love before having sex. I want to raise him with the no sex before marriage option, but I can hardly tell him it's terrible and wrong when I obviously had him out of wedlock. But I hope that he is in love with the girl, I can't imagine the hurt that must be involved if there is no love.

3) Never know racism. I don't know how I became to be open minded about race when the male side of my family is terribly racist, but if Jacob can have no judgements toward another race, I'm doing good.

4) To know that his punishments always fit the crime.

5) To be incredibly thirsty for knowledge. To be more interested in education than making a lot of money.

Delicious

I finally made a the Hazelnut Brown Butter cake from Smitten Kitchen and I'm pleased to say that it is awesome and I will be very sad when I eat the last piece. Cs doesn't eat sweets, so I only have to share with my mom.

The other thing I find delicious is slowly falling asleep on the couch when I could be in bed. I'm somewhat fighting that urge right now, but I should go wash my face and brush my teeth so I can roll off the couch straight into bed. But if I get up now then I'm going to lose the wonderful sensation of falling asleep because I'm so damn comfortable.

I'm also trying to nurse the beginning of a blocked duct so that it doesn't turn into a blocked duct. This is the part of nursing that makes me think bottles are a great idea. Jacob didn't want to nurse this morning and I really wanted him to but he just kept fussing when I tried. I'm pretty easy-going with his not wanting to nurse but this morning I was close to a breaking point. I broke down and pumped a little bit and after he had his nine o'clock nap, we were back to our routine. That boy and his naps. I don't know why he thinks he needs a nap after sleeping all night long. At least it means I have time for breakfast. But probably not enough to brush my teeth too.

Time Line

Age Three- Playing in my parent's waterbed. The bed is high and there is a mirror in the headboard. There are rainbow sheets.

Age Four-I go to preschool and make crayons by putting broken pieces of old crayon into muffin tins. They take pictures of us and I'm wearing a teal sweater with a bear on it.

Age Four- I go down into the craw space to get scuba diving gear out because my mom is pregnant with my brother and too big to go down.

Age Five- I sneak out of bed and sit on the stairs where the ceiling meets the steps and sneak peeks down into the living room. My brother is born that night.

Age Six- I am mad at my mom. I stand in from of my little brother's crib and bang a Grover puppet onto the rails, yelling "I'm tired of you." My brother shrieks with laughter and falls over.

Age Seven- My sister is born in our living room. The midwives are late. My dad and my mom's friend deliver her, and I am the one who rushes to my parents bedroom to get the package of supplies. My dad struggles to open the nose bulb.

Age Eight- My mom, my sister, and I go to Colorado Springs to take care of the fish tanks my parent's maintain. My dad is sick. Later, when we are home, we play a game where we stick our tongues out and touch them to each other. This is the last day of my sister's life.

Age Nine- My grandpa buys me sheep so I can be in 4-H. At the fair, I wear teal green jeans and a purple and teal button down shirt. The sheep are bigger than I am.

Age Ten- My brothers and I sleep outside, on a futon on the front porch. We think we're so brave.

Must Leave House

CS's job is taking him to North Carolina on Sunday. He's going to be gone for a few days, up to a week, or so I'm told. I predict this will be a long week for me. I can say this from experience, one I had tonight. Cs had to work late to get everything ready to ship out and my mom was working late because she has school on Wednesdays. So it was just me and Jacob, all alone. All day long. Back when I first got pregnant, my mom was worried for me because she thought I would be parenting on my own for most of the time. This was when CS was working ten hour days, six days a week. I would be raising a baby with a man who spent more time away or sleeping that with us. This isn't such a terrible thing, most stay at home mom's must deal with this. But the going away for a week twice a month is going to be hard. I can make it through a day, it goes by rather quickly. But come five, when it starts to get dark and I know my family is headed home soon, I get antsy. So on nights like tonight, when no one is home until eight, I'm more than ready to hand him off to the first person who walks into the door. Fortunately, I have more than just CS here at home. But what happens when we have our own place? I guess I can always move back in when he heads out. Bonus points for staying in CO.

Cs turned down the job in Fort Collins for this month. Maybe next month, when we see how the job he has now is going, he can take the other job. Or we might stay here in this area and try to get a place closer to his work. And Target. Because really, that's all I need.

Rock. Hard Place.

CS and I are in the midst of a dilemma with where our future lies. Where he is working right now does not pay enough to cover our bills, and that's living in my mom's house. However, he does have an opportunity right now to go work in Fort Collins for an amount that covers the major bills but leaves us woefully short for things like gas and food, not to mention rent. Unfortunately, he can't just drive up to Fort Collins to work and drive back here or he would be in the car for 6 hours a day. Not to mention the cost of fuel to do that. And to top it off, he needs new tires. Badly. I don't want to go back to work. The mere thought of it makes me cry. I don't mind doing something on the side, but I can't put my baby in to daycare. This is the most frustrating situation we've been in, made even more frustrating by the fact that this could have all been avoided.

I should start playing the lotto.

Lazy, Rainy Ohio Day

This morning we got up at 7:45 and went into Gramma's room to watch the Today show in her bed. She has a water bed so it's always very warm and the room has great sunlight. So even on this dreary day, it didn't feel too dark. Jacob was nestled into my left arm and he promptly fell back asleep. I watched the woman with the World's Longest Legs as well as When Is The Right Age To Marry (if I get married, I will be above the average age now) before succumbing to a doze. A warm bed with a warm infant snuggled up with you will cause that, you know.

When I finally extracted my arm from Jacob, I got up to make breakfast and after I toasted my bread and put water on for tea, I went in to check on him, and lo! He was awake and rooting into the pillows with his little cowardly lion cry. What I'm really trying to say is that this was a day of naps. He did manage to sleep most of the day off of me and a few times he even put himself to sleep while laying on the couch next to me. Propped up so he could see me, of course. But not actually on my chest, or in my arms, or draped over some other part of my body. He napped so much today that I was actually hoping for him to wake up so we could do something or have him entertain me. The weekends are so busy that I think he's sleep deprived by Monday, I guess I should just learn to take it easy. Of course, I waited till he was awake this evening to start making apple crisp but I can only blame part of that on me. I had to go to the store for apples and someone didn't wake up until Ellen came on so I was just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs till then. I guess I could have folded clothes. Eh.

Sunday Evening Before Bed

10:38- Put sleeping baby in bed.

10:40- Find soap for boyfriend who is complaining about having no soap yet refuses to look in toiletries bag where soap was put during the move.

10:42- Put clothes away from laundry finished two days ago.

10:45- Fix sheets on bed because boyfriend is a messy sleeper and the fitted sheet is coming off the mattress.

10:48- Clean up living room because mother is a neat freak and it's messy. Throw about 4 burp rags into laundry basket.

10:49- See computer open because I must blog today for NaBloPoMo. Maybe I will prize?

10:55- Still have to make lunch for boyfriend and get self ready for bed. Self wants to read book in bed, but should probably go to sleep. Will read though, because self is enthralled with a trilogy. Again.

Like Starbursts In My Heart

Jacob has developed the most wicked case of the grins. His happiest times come right after waking up or after nursing. But occasionally, he has unexpected bouts of smiley time. CS took this picture right after we took a walk. Jacob does so well with the strolled. Usually he spits out the binky and just enjoys the ride. Hunter, on the other hand, really hates that he has to compete with the stroller now. Can I not just let him run in front of it so he can be first? Maybe I could just let him off the leash entirely so he can go into everyone's yard and eat cat poop. And he wonders why I won't let him lick the baby.

Armfuls

I have a lot of books.

Really, this shouldn't surprise anyone as I have a degree in English and I was a librarian for two years. I also took as many English classes as the University would allow, occasionally taking a class under a different code so I could take even more English classes. I was a Humanities minor, guess I should throw that in. Of course, I still have all my books. What? Maybe someday I will want to read Dante's Inferno (again) or Wilkie Collins novel or maybe some Russian literature.

Doubtful. But at least when I put them all on my bookshelves in my library in my house, I can say that I've read them all. Never mind the yellow USED stickers all over half of them. I was never the type to buy things brand, spanking new. Why bother? You're just going to write all over them anyways.

When I moved to New Mexico, I left many, many books behind. I took only a few that were most interesting to me, most likely to be re-read when I was looking for something to occupy my time. But then I bought more books while we lived there, and my mom gave me some for Christmas. Then I got pregnant and picked up more books along the way. My mom sent me more books. It's a cycle, really.

Now that I am back at her house, I decided to read a trilogy I own, for about the third time. But first I had to find them. Since my mom foolishly thought I had moved out for good and she packed all my things away. But not all in logical places. I went out to the shed and looked in one plastic bin and found some books. Not what I needed. I looked in the bin underneath that bin and I found some boots, purses, and more books. Not the trilogy though. I called my mom and asked her where the books were. She said in a cardboard box on the top shelf. I got that box down, maybe damaging a few things in the process, that shit is heavy. Found loads of books. Also, a dead mouse. Not with the books, but on the floor near where I was looking. So three boxes of books and I'm still missing a substantial amount of my collection. Finally, I found them in yet another bin. A very heavy bin that takes two people to get back into place.

I really need my own library.

Pacify

I almost went to a La Leche League meeting this morning. We ended up not going because it was at ten and when we get up at eight, it's a little hard to get out the door. I'm not nearly as motivated to get up before he does as I thought I might be. I used to take walks at six in the morning, now we go around ten or eleven. Jacob has started sleeping until after four in the morning so by the time I fall back asleep, it's almost six. So I sleep till he wakes up, unless he doesn't wake until nine or ten. I like those mornings because it means I get to have breakfast first.

So back to LLL, I want to go. I think it would be nice to see what it's all about. As evident by Jacob's weight, I'm certainly not doing it wrong but it wouldn't hurt to meet others and maybe ask some questions. Like why my right side lets down every time I nurse and my left side hardly ever. Why my left fills more quickly? Is it natural for my back to hurt like this? (Although the back pain has gotten remarkably better. No more lying awake for an hour after nursing at two AM because my back is killing me.) I do wonder that if I went to a meeting, would they freak out about the fact that Jacob uses a pacifier? All the books I've read on breastfeeding say that a pacifier is BAD NEWS. However, he seems just fine. Sometime he gets mad that I put him to nurse when he just wants to suck, but we figure it out pretty quickly. He's growing well, and I don't have supply issues. But it's such a forbidden object in the LLL world that I am worried that if I go and they see him with one, I'm in for a lecture. Because that's what women do. They think they are allowed to impose their opinion on other people. Women with children are especially bad. I've already seen it. And I'd like to avoid the assvice. Some maybe we'll try again next month. Or we'll just stay home and watch Will and Grace at nine.

Alone

Now that CS is finally going to work everyday, I'm discovering that I am alone all day long. It's not gotten to me yet, but I can see the potential for it becoming a problem. Especially since he isn't so great at dinner conversation and now that I can watch TV all day long, it loses it's fun factor in the evening. And guess what he wants to do when he gets home? So my one source of conversation is now engaged into a UFC fight. Great.

I do try to get out of the house and do something once a day. As Jacob gets older, we will go to the library for story time and crafts. Make an effort to get to know other moms with children so I can have play dates. This stay at home mom life has potential. But now, when he's so small, it's harder to go places without needed to nurse in the middle of an outing. Or constantly waking him up as we go from store to store, when I know he just wants to take a nap. I'm not trying to be a stickler for a schedule, but I do like have some thing loose to gage our day. He naps so frequently right now, and bedtime comes around 9:30, so bath time at 8:30 every other night.

There's so much to parenthood that I already understand. I can do this. I've always wanted to be a mama, and I'm good at it. But CS's experience with children isn't like mine. So while I have my own ideas and plans for how things should go, he's not always there with me. We're working on it though. Last night we went to his parents for dinner and I didn't have to ask him to leave, he did it on his own. Baby steps, I guess.

Baby Votes

Jacob and I went to vote today. We meant to go by nine AM but I was up for two hours last night stressing over money at three AM so I slept in till nine. We got to the polls by ten and fortunately the line was not long. We got in and out in about fifteen minutes, our "I Voted" sticker stuck to his baby sling. I stuck the sticker in his baby book when we got home. No sense in wearing a sticker all day when no one can see it. Might as well save it for posterity. Two months old and already in the voter's box. If only I knew what party to raise him into. If only I knew what party to align myself with. CS and I have slightly different politics though. Because of college, I'm more liberal than he is. He would rather vote for an independent candidate than the red or blue. I don't know if we're setting ourselves up for issues later in child raising. I'm firmly in the education camp and CS has more of a trade is best attitude. I hope Jacob chooses to go to college. I certainly intend to raise him with the belief that college is just something you do. You have to work your whole life once you become an adult. Why start right after high school? Help yourself by taking the time to grow up in a nurturing environment while getting an education that's going to help you get ahead. Hopefully, by the time he is ready, college will be as mandatory as high school. I don't relish paying for this education, but maybe my kid will be smarter than me. Pick a college you can afford! Or go for FREE! Or maybe consider an instate college, don't discount something just because it's within driving distance of your parents house. And please, please don't follow your friends to distant states. Also, no dating!

I Cry Too

Jacob had his two month appointment today. He's officially TWO MONTHS old now. He weighed in at 14 pounds, 6 ounces and is 23 inches long. Which means he's off the percentile chart for weight and in the 95% for height. He weighs more than a six month old. I have a whopper of a baby boy. My Dr. says I should be so smug.

Of course, the two month mark means that Jacob needed shots. I'm staggering the shots, so he only got two shots, one in each leg. My Dr. doesn't think that there is anything dangerous with immunizations so she doesn't think staggering is necessary but she's willing to allow me to choice how I want to care for my baby. It's hard though, I can see her side of the importance of immunizing on time but I'm trying to stick to my feeling that it's ok to immunize on a more relaxed schedule. Had she not keep talking during the end of our visit, I might have agreed to get all of them. I chose not to do the DTap and Polio vaccine today. I think I will go to the Health Clinic in December and get those shots (for free) and then go back to the Dr. for the 4 month check up.

The real tragedy of shots is actually giving them. The rotovirus immunization is an oral shot, and Jacob took that one well for a breast feed baby. He even smiled at the nurse when she was done squeezing it into his mouth. After that, she prepped his legs with alcohol then pinned his legs against her body and the table. I had to hold his little arms to his chest so he couldn't wiggle around. He was just fine with the first poke but then he realized that it hurt and his face just crumpled. He turned bright red at the second and cried so hard he stopped breathing. I could pick him up then but it took him a while to calm down. I held it together long enough for the nurse to tell me I could nurse him as long as I needed and for her to pat my arm and ask if i was OK. There weren't tears in my eyes but the trauma must have been evident on my face. As soon as she left the room, I started crying and tell him I'm sorry.

He's fine now, sleeping on the couch, chubby thighs sporting band-aids. I can't believe he's already two months old. People keep asking me how being a mama is, and it's hard for me to give an explanation. Is it wrong to say it's just natural to me? Sure, sometimes I wish that I didn't have to change a diaper or that someone else was here to pass him off when it's been two hours of fussy, want to be held, fighting sleep comforting. But the rest of the time, it's just something I have to do and it's not hard for me. But most of the credit for this has to go to Jacob. He is EASY. He sleeps well, he nurses well, he's a generally good baby. Sometimes I worry that my luck will run out and I will wake up one day to a baby who cries constantly or refuses to sleep at night. Maybe it will. But he's an amazing child, already I can see his happy personality coming though. I don't want to say goodbye to the newborn phase, but I just love watching him discover new things. Just this morning, he was laughing at elephant butts.

An Indian Summer

Which will probably mean a Nasty Winter. It's about 75 to 80 degrees here today. Shorts and teeshirt weather. Not that this is unheard of in Colorado. You live here long enough and nothing surprises you in this state. Snow in May? Sure. Seventy degrees in December? Why not! You even get used to the flip flopping of seasons, only putting away some of you summer clothes and leaving a coat in your closet after spring. I liked Arizona in the early spring, but nothing beats Colorado for fall.

When we decided to move back to CO, I was excited for the prospect of fall. Wearing jeans and my long sleeve clothes while drinking warm cups of tea with a snuggly baby in my arms. The leaves changing colors, first snow, and peaks covered with the white stuff. I miss the mellow winters of my youth when snow didn't fall every weekend like is has in the past few years. For years, we never had white Christmases. I vividly remember a Christmas where I got a pajama set from my grandma. It was shorts and a teeshirt. We also got a set of a walky-talkies. There are pictures of us playing outside with our new toys, and I'm wearing my new pajamas. Summer PJ's for a winter holiday.

The only bad thing about coming back here is that my mom bought Jacob all sorts of cute summer clothes. Which he is A)rapidly outgrowing and B)will soon be too cold to wear. And he looks so flipping cute in those one piece snap up suits.

Time On My Hands

I've decided to do NaBloPoMo this year. I think I tried last year but failed, and since I have a few hours a day with nada to do while little boy sleeps, I thought I could try again. For some reason, I mistakenly think that if I can push myself to blog daily for a whole month, then maybe I can work on that "writing" I was so good at in college. It's probably something I need to come to terms with. Maybe I'm not cut out for writing fame. Yes, I loved it. I was good at it too. But I'm not motivated anymore. I don't aspire to go get my MFA and write for my keep. Nowadays, I want to go back to school to get my certificate and teach. If my college self could see me now, I'd probably smack me. Since I want to teach, I never write, and I have a baby. WTF, Jess? I am completely different than what I aspired to be. I'm ok with that. How could I not be satisfied with this life?

Good education with great memories? Check
Boyfriend who loves me despite my neurosis? Check
Baby boy who loves his mama? Check
Jealous whore dog who needs more attention? Check.

And now I have to go nurse.

Rollypolly

Jacob rolled over for the first time today. I put him on the floor with the musical Ark while I tried to make some lunch and right after I put him down, he flipped from his stomach to his back. Then he realized that I was no longer holding him. Which triggered the Cowardly Lion cry, he's quite good at it. It's more faking crying than real crying. Real crying involves a quivering chin.

Is it wrong that it makes me giggle a bit when he gets quivery mad that his pacifier is no longer in his mouth because he spit it out? I didn't think so.

I stepped on my scale this morning and discovered that I am now 140. Which means that I am only 5 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm not quite sure how this happened because I only go for walks on mornings that it's not too cold or too windy. So about 3 a week. I could blame breastfeeding but I don't know if that alone can cut forty pounds of baby weight. I tried to do some yoga this morning, but Crabby Patty didn't want to sit in his swing. Somehow he thinks that I should hold him. I don't know where he got that idea.

Please Let This Election Be Over.

Wednesday, 12:45 PM

Phone rings: Caller ID says random numbers: Hello, this is a 45 second political survey. (says automated voice) Would you like to participate in this survey?

Me: Yes (why not?)

Survey Voice: Would you like to take this survey in Spanish?
Woman's Survey Voice: Something in Spanish.

Me: No.

Survey Voice: Are you worried about your job and the future of your company?

Me: No.

Survey Voice: Please say Yes, No or Repeat.

Me: No.

Survey Voice: You Should BE!.


CLICK.

Too bad this wasn't a real person. Since my job title is now MAMA and I don't think that's going away for life. And what's more, I'll be getting a second job in about three to five years. So sure, my job and the future of my company is secure.

I should have kept listening. Was it a Democratic or Republican ad? Could be either at this point, am so SICK of negative campaigning. Someone should put that into the Constitution. I'd vote for anyone if they took that stance in an election. Democrat, Republican, Dictator. Who cares.

Chunky Monkey

This is Jacob on September 22nd. He's about 19 days old and quite able to hold his head up on his own for the most part. I think he looks a lot like a naked mole rat. Isn't he cute!










This is Jacob on the 22nd of October. Quite a change, no? His thighs are huge, cute rolls of baby chub when he used to have such skinny little legs. Already I miss his newbornness. He just won't stop growing.








However, now we have baby smiles and cooing. He laughs when I call him Bugaboo. He gets excited when I talk to him while someone else holds him. He might look like his daddy, but he loves his mama. Not that he doesn't like CS, he is quite content with him. But the lady with the milk is quite the favorite. And I'm ok with that.

For Posterity

September 1st- 9 PM- We check into the hospital after having dinner at Red Robins. I had French Onion soup and a salad. I wanted to eat rather light since I'd be pushing a child out the next day. I also had french fries.

9:15 PM- Paperwork for the hospital is quick, no mention of Cobra or self pay.

9:30 PM- I get into my room in Labor and Delivery where I'm instructed to undress and put on a robe. They apply the fetal monitors and offer me a sleeping pill. They check my cervix, still at almost a one.

10 PM-ish- My nurse applies the cervidil. I'm already sick of people struggling to get close to my cervix. We're told that it has to stay in for twelve hours. I didn't know about this time restriction; I thought I'd be on Pitocin by 11 AM. Or, in a perfect world, not need it because the cervidil kick starts my contractions.

September 2nd- 10 AM- They remove the cervidil. The monitor shows I've been having contractions but I don't feel them. I get one hour before they will start the Pitocin. My day nurse tells me I am allowed to have a breakfast of clear liquids. Gross. I call room service and order chicken broth, cranberry juice, and an orange Italian ice.

10:45 AM- Breakfast arrives. I'm dismayed that the chicken broth is really just hot water with a boullion cube added in. It's not dissipated into my water when I get it; I have to mix it around. CS is somewhere, maybe have a real breakfast.

11:15 AM- Day Nurse puts the Pitocin into my IV. CS and I continue to watch TV.

At this point, I pretty much lose track of time. My contractions aren't bad, but they are there.

Afternoon- We try walking around the L&D ward. The nurse doesn't really want me to leave the room, I can tell by the way she's not trying very hard to get the wireless fetal monitors until I keep insisting that I want them. Unfortunately, I am hooked up to the IV and the Pitocin drip so I have to lug my pole around with me. Well, CS does it for me but that sucker is heavy. I feel bad, so we stop.

We go walk again, but the nurse tells us we have to stay in our two halls because she loses me when I go down the hall to Post Partum. Walking is no longer much fun. I don't like walking past the nursing station where all seven of the nurses are sitting. I'm sure they don't care, but I feel stupid walking past them every other minute.

5 PM- Around this time my contractions are getting stronger. My nurse gives me some breathing techniques, which I feel rather stupid doing when it doesn't really hurt that much.

6 PM- Am really good at breathing now. I am having a contraction about every two minutes. They last for about a minute. I'm in bed at this point, holding onto the rail when they hit. CS is behind me, rubbing my back. He doesn't say much throughout this whole process, but I'm always aware that he is there. I don't really need him to talk, just touching is good enough.

7 PM- New Nurse. Amanda Jo is our night nurse. She's young, cute, and sweet. She brings me in a birthing ball and I sit on that. SO MUCH BETTER. I was not doing so well on the bed. While I'm sitting on it, I feel a small gush. Looks like my water is broken. I take it as a good sign. Even though I'm only about a 3 or a 4.

8:30 PM- My contractions have become a lot harder. They are still coming at two minute intervals for a little over a minute each time. I'm still on the ball, alternating with standing up and leaning on CS every once in a while. Amanda Jo comes in and tells me I need to get back in bed because she's losing the baby's heartrate and it seems to be low right now. I get in bed and realize that I am not going to be able to handle these contractions while lying down. In between contractions, I am informed that I can't get out of bed for at least thirty minutes. Hearing this while struggling through my contractions is difficult. On one hand, I'm getting to the point where I can't take the pain, especially in bed. The other hand, I don't want to give into the pain and get the epidural. I finally give in and ask for the epidural. Amanda Jo tells me he will be in in the next fifteen minutes.

8:45 PM- The anesthesiologist comes in. He is a small Hispanic man named Jose. He explains the epidural and begins to put it into my back. I feel coldness but not much else. My IV hurt more than this.

9:00 PM- I feel no more pain. But I do feel pressure. I don't like the pressure and I tell CS this. He's laughing at me though, I must be a little loopy. The nurse comes in and I ask her about the pressure. She checks me to make sure I'm not needing to push. I've gone from a 5 to a 7 in about fifteen minutes. Ouch.

9:00 to 10:30- Just waiting. Pressure. Annoying.

10:30 PM- Amanda Jo checks me again. As she's lifting up my leg, I hear her gasp a little and there there is a lot of gushing. My water finally broke. She thought the bag of waters was the baby's head, which would have been a little bit of a shock. I'm at a 9.

11:00 PM- 10 centimeters! She gets the bed ready for pushing and she explains how I need to hold my legs and counting to ten. I start pushing and apparently they can already see the head. She tells me I'm a great pusher. I can't feel anything, so that's good for me.

11:30 PM- Still pushing. I have a fever of 101 though. They give me more anti-biotics on top of the kind I already have for the Group B Strep. My oxygen is also low, so she puts a mask on my face. This makes it really hard for me to see into the mirror they brought in. All I see when I sit up to push is the mask. Occasionally, CS remembers to move it out of my face.

11:45 PM- There are more nurses in the room now. I'm still pushing but they tell me not to push too hard because the Dr. isn't there. I don't really know how to do this, but I must have done alright. The nurses are asking each other what they think I'm going to have. Only one picks a girl.

11:50 PM- My Dr. arrives. The nurse asks her what she thinks I'm having and I tell her in between pushing that she already knows, she can't play. My Dr. agrees.

11:55 PM- I'm watching the clock each time I push. I want the baby to be born on the 2nd so I've only got 5 minutes left to get that date.

12:00 AM- Still no baby. Guess I lose the pool at work. Can't say I didn't try! As I'm pushing, my Dr. tells me she's worried about going to tear on top. She wants to know if I want to tear or be cut. I tell her whatever she wants. I don't know until later that she does cut me, but I tear anyways.

12:03 AM- On one push, I see a huge gush of fluid fly out and almost hit my Dr. in the face. She dodges it as it flies over her shoulder. That's a little embarrassing.

12:05 AM- The head comes out, quickly followed by the shoulders and my doctor is holding a baby. She turns to Chris and asks him what we had. He says a boy. His cord is short, so she holds him while she puts the clamps on. CS cuts the cord and she places him on my stomach. Jacob. The nurse rubs him off while we just look at him. He has huge hands. He looks just like his daddy.

After we see him, they take him away for a bath as my doctor pulls my placenta out. CS opts not to watch that happen. She stitches me up as I watch Jacob get the Hep B shot without making a sound. He's not really crying but they want him to because his lungs aren't clear yet. When we are both cleaned up and back in bed, my doctor unwraps him and makes him cry. Not a real cry, just a pathetic baby cry that will soon be his trademark cry. His eyes are goopy and he's sleeping. We take pictures and I talk to my mom. Cs goes to get me food and I try to nurse. But mostly, we just look at him and discuss who's features he has. CS doesn't think he looks like him at all.

I beg to differ. I'm sure you will too.


Jacob Mitchell Oliveto-Slattery

Chunky Monkey

I decided to step on the scale last night while holding Jacob to see how much he's gained since the 3rd. Total-162. When I put him down and got back on, I weighed in at 147. So that's FIFTEEN pounds of baby chunk. Holy cow. I really can't believe he's gained his birth weight in 6 weeks. This breast milk thing must be good for him. Or maybe it's the fact that he sleeps all day, waking to eat and smile at me before dozing off for a while. It's not like he can go anywhere.

Actually, he probably will be moving around soon. He has unusual head/neck strength. He's been able to hold his head up since we brought him home from the hospital. He kicks like a little frog and can kick his way up your chest when he's laying on you. He's certainly a Super Baby. And he likes to fly like one.

And thanks to him, I have terrible, terrible backache. It started last night and it's worse this today. It's like I have a pinched nerve in my lower back. Or similar to whiplash of the neck, but in my lower back. I can't turn to my right, bring my head down, and lifting and lowering the boy is so difficult. I've been taking Tylenol and ibuprofen but it's not really helping. I'm half tempted to call CS and get him back here to help me but since Jacob is sleeping, I guess I don't need him. But what's the perk of him not working if he can't drop all the other things he's doing and come help me?

147

I had my post partum appointment on Tuesday. It's only been four weeks, but since we're moving they got me in. Sadly, I did not get to say goodbye to my delivering doctor, but I'll get over it. The staff that was there cooed over Jacob and told me to stop bragging when I said I only pushed for an hour. But the best thing of all was when I got on the scale. And I weighed 147. Only 12 pounds more that my pre-pregnancy weight. I think my final weigh in at the office was somewhere in the 170 range. So 147? Sounds good to me!

A Boy And His Dog

Jacob: Has no idea what's going on.
Hunter: Would like Squally Thing off him if he's not allowed to lick him.

Hunter

Hunter did quite well with the introduction of Squally Thing, as he likes to refer to Jacob. When we came home from the hospital, it was late at night and everyone was in bed. Hunter came out to greet us and he was quite interested in smelling me but he didn't notice the car seat right away. CS set the seat down and let Hunt come close. He got really still and intense, trying to get as close as possible. He was so focused that I was worried he was going to spazz out and bark in the Jacob's face. He didn't, but he might wish he had now.

The poor dog. He used to be such a parasite, following from room to room. Now he goes to bed on his own, usually before I do. He occasionally comes near me when I have the baby, but generally picks someone else to find affection. He even sits on the other side of the table when we have dinner, choosing to be close to Uncle Abe rather than me. Or he wanders around the kitchen, acting like he doesn't understand "lay down."

Oh, he must know I'm writing about him, as he just decided to come lay next to me. CS also has the baby, which could be the other thing.

However, he has done one very, very stupid thing. He ran away. Really, it's not his fault. Abe had him out in the garage while he worked on his bike and he didn't pay very close attention to Hunter and he decided to take the heck off. I'm not sure how long he was gone, Abe certainly doesn't know. I wandered out to see where he was and SURPRISE! Dog was gone. We called for him, and everyone but me went off to search. CS found him down the road about five minutes later. And boy did he smell good! Like skunk! And dead things! Hunt was so happy!

And then he got a bath. Oooh, bummer. But first we had to get pet wash. So he had to stay outside, where the flies thought he smelled good too. It reminded me of Pigpen from Peanuts.

So not only did he smell awful and earn himself a few nights outside, he also broke his tail. BROKE. TAIL. How does a dog break his tail? We'll never know. He was acting funny a day later, not sitting down normally and not wagging his tail. CS took him to the vet and they determined that he probably dislocated it and needed to have a shot, anti-biotics and pain pills. He's fine now, and that's good because I keep forgetting to give him his pills.

Brand New

My little boy is getting chubby cheeks. And chubby thighs. Delicious!

Jacob is doing well. He's nursing great now, although I still have Grand Canyon sized cracks in my nipples. He's sleeping at night, although we wake up every three hours to nurse. We have figured out how to nurse while laying down and that makes 3 AM a lot easier. Except in the morning when I notice that he has milk all over his forehead from when he unlatched and my nipple kept hitting him. Poor kid. I'm somewhat amazed that he does sleep in his crib because we hold the boy all day long. If CS wasn't home with us, then he would only be held half the time. But CS has him when I don't, so he's a tad bit spoiled in the Held While Sleeping department. And I usually tuck him into bed with me around the 5 AM feeding. So he sleeps alone from 9 PM to 4 AM. Not bad?

Luckily, he's not addicted to the pacifier at night time. And only sometimes during the day. I sure hate that thing, except when he won't stop crying unless he has it. Then it's a GREAT invention.

Cs and I are apparently Crazy New Parents because we are moving back to CO this weekend. As in ONE WEEK away. Yes, I know. I just had a baby. Yes, he does like to be held for the majority of the day. And we want to drive 12 hours to a new place. We have to move though. CS's doesn't have work here and he believes that he can get a job someplace close to home. We can't really afford to wait because my funds have run out. As much as I want to go home and be close to my mom, I'm having some regret that we must do this right now. I like my life in my own house with my own schedule and things. I don't really want to go live in the extra bedroom with a four week old baby and CS and my dog. I want my own house. I want my DVR and to plan my own meals. I guess it boils down to: I want to be an adult and how can I do that in my childhood home? As much as I loved having my mom here, and how sad I am that she had to leave, I still want to have my own place. But it's not my job to take care of that anymore. I have a new job. 24/7. And I think the chubby cheeks are worth it.

Hell, even the cracks are worth it.

6 Days

Jacob Mitchell. 8 pounds, 2 ounces. 20.5 inches long. Born at 12:05 AM on Wednesday, September 3rd.

Perfect.

Could It Be?

No. Still here. Maybe having contractions when I walk around, but I could blame that on lack of water and my new discovery of Braxton Hicks.

No baby. Ask tomorrow.

Fine, Just Stay There!

I had my last appointment at the office yesterday. I was writing a check to the front desk girl and I commented on how weird it was that I wouldn't be back for a while. She said they get that a lot.

I had a stress test on the baby, and everyone who walked in to check the little printout from the monitor commented on how active the baby is. I'm even having contractions. Who knew! Certainly not me. That's the kind of contraction I get behind. I forgot to ask how dilated I was, but I do know the Nurse Prac. had a really hard time getting to my cervix which means that the baby hasn't engaged much. So even though my belly has dropped remarkably, I'm still not quite there. Had the ultrasound tech been in, they would have done one to check the estimated size of the baby but no such luck. Not that it makes a difference. Still going to have a baby on Tuesday.

We check into the hospital at 9 PM and they will be putting Cervadil on my cervix to ripen it. I've been alternately stressing over the logistics of being induced and trying not to think about it. I don't understand how they can force a baby to be born with drugs when it's quite obviously saying "I'm not ready yet." It seems to me that would cause labor to be unnecessarily long and horrid for me. But my books and Chris assure me that applying Cervadil will ripen my cervix and the pitocin will jumpstart the contractions. Unfortunately, my books do not have all the information I want to know about being induced and I'm not about to Google that. I may be pregnant, but I'm not that crazy to subject myself to that. Thanks, Books. A whole lot of good you do me. I don't even want to owe What To Expect: The First Year.

In other news, I realized yesterday that I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions! Holy shit! Had no idea. Honestly. I've been telling my doctors for weeks that I'm not having any of those. But when I was driving home from the valley yesterday, I realized that this hardening of my belly was not the baby pushing against me but a real life contraction of some sort. Now I wonder how long I've been having them and been utterly clueless.

I'm going to be a fabulous mother, no?

Livid AND Pregnant

I picked up my car from the shop this morning. It had been sitting in my carport since the 4th of July and CS and my brother had made a few attempts to figure out what was wrong and fix it. They tried new spark plugs, which fixed it for a day. Then it refused to work the next morning. CS determined it was a fuel issue, specifically with the fuel pump. If you remember back to April of last year, when I got into an accident in Denver and had to pay for body work AS WELL AS a batch of bad gas (cough*sugar*cough) while recovering on my couch from having my tonsils removed. I didn't think it could be fuel related because I just had new gas lines put in! So CS and I put off fixing my car for the past two months because we didn't want to put in the $300 it would cost to get a new fuel pump that he could install. Plus, he got the bike to ride to work and I could take the truck and we'd save some money! (Except the bike has worked about 5 days out of the two months we've had it and so I consider it a big fucking waste of my savings when clearly I need to pay Cobra.) My mom and brother gave me money for my birthday this last week and I decided that I had had ENOUGH of depending on other people to get me around. So the fuel pump was purchased and CS went out on Friday evening to install it. And LO! My car started up on it's own when he decided to turn the key for the heck of it. The service engine light was on, so we rushed down to Auto Zone to have the codes run to see if we could find out what was wrong. It pulled a code for some failure in the air system and that's obviously not what was causing my car to simply up and fucking die when I needed it.

So brilliant, pregnant me suggested that we drive it down to the valley the next morning when we went to celebrate my birthday. Why I thought this was a good idea, I have no clue. Why CS went along with it? I may wonder that till the day I die. So we left for the valley around noon on Saturday, but left the keys to the truck in case something happened and we needed my brother to get down to use and help tow it back. (See, some planning!) And the car worked great all damn day. Started up just fine every single time we made a stop. Until we got out of the theatre at 1:30 AM. Car. Dead. And my brother was no longer available for helping as he took off with the family I currently despise. He was in Mesa, just like us. But incapable of helping us to get anywhere. So one cab ride, one hotel night, one rental car, one trailer, and only one emotional meltdown later we got my car to a shop back in Globe. And over $600 later, I have my car back. Not only did he have to replace the fuel pump, one that cost me $150 MORE than the one I had sitting on my kitchen table.

It gets better.

The man who fixed me car showed me my old fuel pump. Specifically the part where someone welded it back together. FUCKING WELDED IT BACK TOGETHER. Pardon me? Did I not just have all my gas lines replaced because I had a batch of bad gas? Hmm, City Auto Plaza? How the hell did you think you'd get away with welding something back together when you are supposed to replace everything thing fuel related when bad gas is present? Obviously a brand spanking new fuel pump would not have been welded together. I just couldn't believe it. Still can't. I'm so angry at this dealership in Canon. They did a scandalous thing and I'm paying for it. They thought they were just swindling my insurance company but in reality they just fucked over a pregnant woman who doesn't have an extra $600 when she's paying Cobra a grand a month just so she's not stuck with a ten thousand dollar hospital bill. I'm half tempted to fly back to Colorado right now, with my old fuel pump and shove it down someones throat. My insurance company can't help me, but he did tell me to take it to them and demand an explanation and at least attempt to get my money back.

However, anger does nothing to induce me into labor on my own. Neither does stress. Or I'd have this baby weeks ago. One shining spot in all this? Cobra has received our election and the check so we're good. I overnighted another check and they will get it tomorrow for September. This way they can't try and tell me it's late when I have confirmation they received it before the 1st of September. Yay for me being on the ball!

No Show

My realtor called me last week and wanted to know if they could bring someone by to see the house. They think they want to live here and if they do, we get to move out on the 1st of October and still keep our deposit. So I agreed. Despite the fact that I am 39 weeks and I have my brother and his wife living here and my house isn't in tip-top shape. I wore myself out last night getting everything in order, or at least the appearance of order. I told my brother to stay away until after 5:30. And I got home by 5:15.

My realtor never showed up, but the woman and her kids who want to live here did. I showed them the house, but I'm not sure if they are going to want it. I think it might be too small for her liking. Hopefully she does. Then I can get out of my lease and figure out a new mode of operation. This involves picking between staying in Globe and moving away to a new place. On the list is Denver and Austin, so that's kind of rough. Sucks to pick between so many places I enjoy. Woe is me.

39 Weeks.

The end is looming, ya'll. Oh my goodness. 39 weeks. Whatever happened to 25 and how very far away the end of August was?

No, I still don't want to talk about labor.

So I've been in weekly appointments for the past three weeks. My first check was soft but no dilating. Second check, soft but no dilating and the head was off to the side. Third check, soft and dilated to almost a one and the head was down on my cervix. Sweet, one centimeter down with no contractions. Score points for me! At my 37 week check, my Dr. told me that they would like to put down a date for inducement onto the books at the hospital in case I go over my due date and when I want to be done with pregnancy I can simply waddle down to Labor and Delivery and induce myself into having a baby. She said this wasn't something I had to stick to and I might go into labor on my own and not need it. But the hospital we are going to deliver in has fewer spots for inducement and they fill up quickly. So at 37 weeks, I told her I would think about it and let her know next time. I went home to CS and told him I wouldn't do it.

Then 38 weeks hit, and I am scheduled to be induced on the 2nd of September. Assuming I don't go into labor on my own before that time. Unlikely, considering that I'm only dilated to one and I've had no contractions. Zip. Not to mention the fact that my Doctor, very lovingly, put her hand on my belly and said "I just don't think you're going to have a small baby." SIGN ME UP. Ok, not really. Yes, I could protest that I want it to be all natural. That means a stress test every seventy two hours and I live an hour away from the office. They won't let me go past 41 weeks. Inducing on the 2nd is 40 weeks and 3 days. Or it's one week past 40 weeks if we go with my due date calculated on their little chart. But if we go from the Hobbs ultrasound, it's also my exact due date. How do you know? Do you demand that it's a natural thing? Or do you allow the "hitting the wall" feeling to convince you that you're done. It's been so long and you're just done.

I know part of my wanting to be done stems from all the stress I've had in the past few months. CS leaving his work, having to use Cobra, pinching pennies like you wouldn't believe, feeling trapped because we can't move until the baby comes, CS's job not working the way we need it to, fighting Cobra because they are the new bane of society. Pregnancy hasn't been a happy, glowing experience. I've been worried a lot, mostly about financial things. I can't contribute much since we live in a small town and finding a job to pay me better would be hard. We couldn't move or we'd lose our deposit on everything from the house to the electric and water. Just blow a grand? Maybe in the long run that might have been smarter, who knows? I can't predict the future. I never wanted to bring a baby into the world when I felt so out of control in my own life. So if they are pushing me to induce a little before it would naturally come around, maybe that's ok. Waiting to have the baby is what's holding us back from falling into a black hole of debt. CS can't leave me and I can't go further than one hour from the hospital right now. In a month, we can move. I am sad to leave, I like this little town and I think we could build a life here. But there is no work here. Not for me. Not for CS. And I have too much debt and he loves his truck too much for us to stay and eke out a future. Plus, there's a job in Denver. How nice it would be to go home for a while. Let our families get to know their newest edition. And make sure we don't raise a baby at sea level, because who would want that!

Naps Are For Babies

I've become sloth-like on the weekends. I don't get up for walks in the mornings, I let Hunter outside at 6 and go back to bed till 8:30. I lounge around the furniture, taking a nap in the afternoon for an hour. I try to avoid the stove. I get the house clean, although it's nowhere near deep clean. It feels very wrong to be so lax. Part of my brain tells me that I shouldn't be so exhausted at the end of the week. Come on, I sit at a desk all day. The other part of my brain, obviously the stronger part, tells me to take it easy. This is the last month I will have as a non-parent. After August, I will be in a mama to an infant who is going to demand a lot more of my strength and energy than anyone else ever has. Who cares if I don't get the carpets deep cleaned before baby is born. I need all the rest I can. Not only for what comes after labor, but because I'm also carrying around an extra 40 pounds on my body. (Ok, 38 but that's just for my peace of mind. I'm sure for everyone else, it's 40).

There is nothing pressing I need to get accomplished. The crib is set up, the pack and play is ready. I have ordered the cloth diapers and they are on their way. I need a dresser and a changing table pad and a diaper bag. Those involve a trip to Target and I have an appointment in the valley this week. I can't buy clothing until I know what I'm having. I'd make extra food and freeze it but I lack the energy and freezer space.

I'm 13 days away from my due date. THIRTEEN. Yet I have no premonition that I will have this baby before that day. I'm not dilated. Baby's head is not engaged. No contractions to speak of. No dropping. Just a soft cervix and the opportunity to schedule an induction. I will probably decline the offer to induce after 40 weeks. If we get to 41+ weeks, I will agree to one but not before that. I've thought all along that this baby would be born in September. I think it's proving me right.

Luckily, Cobra paperwork was sent out on Friday so we should be able to elect that by early next week. Just in time, too. I completely believe that was all in God's hands. Cobra's capable of dragging us through the ringer, but things are looking up. I'm going on a tour of the hospital this week. CS can't come because his job is sending him to Tucson for Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm not sure how that came about since I thought they were clear on the "No trips after the last trip because of the chance of LABOR" but they must think that Tucson doesn't count as "far away." I'm not worried, but I think CS has more apprehension about it. Labor is bound to be a long process because I've never had a baby. First babies don't fall out. But his concern is appreciated and well noted. However, if he's really concerned about us? Perhaps he could cook dinner on his days off. Standing that long is really too much for me.

I Think She Was Curious

I had my weekly appointment yesterday with my favorite doctor. The results of my internal exam are the same as the last two times. Soft but still no dilating. She explained to me that the baby's head needs to move down more to sit on top of my cervix, then I will be able to start dilating. My measurements are fine, I gained a pound, and my blood pressure is normal. She spoke to my stomach and told the baby to kick once if it's a girl and twice if it's a boy. Baby responded by shaking it's body. I take that as a firm "NO". My doctor? Took it as a reason to have an impromptu ultrasound.

Sure, sure, she claimed it was to make sure that the head was down like she thought it was. She said she liked to just slap on the ultrasound and confirm when there was an doubt. But when she gooped me up and found the head, she then zoomed around and found the neck, back, and the feet and hands. Then she made me look away while she checked the sex. Again, she claimed it was so she knew where to avoid, but I really think she just wanted to know. My doctor is the only person in the whole world who actually knows what I'm having! The injustice.

I must really not want to know, since I didn't even try to sneak a peak. It wasn't until later that I even thought about how I could know! Would make things so easy! Then the name picking wouldn't be such a process and maybe I could buy some sex appropriate clothing before hand. But no. I didn't cheat.

Baby looked good, the Dr. said. Head was down, although baby was laying on it's side with it's feet and hands on my right side. We could see it playing with the cord. Like my Dr. said "That is not a rattle!"

So far, so good. Hopefully I show some signs of progressing next week. The options for going over my due date are not enticing. Stress tests and induction. Whatever happened to give it two weeks? I also tested positive for group B strep so we will be stuck in the hospital for 48 hours after I deliver. CS is stoked because the hospital has flat screen TVs in every room. like he's going to want to watch TV. Honestly. Someone get that man a diaper and put him to work.

Morning Romps

Hunt and I are still going on two mile walks in the morning. Thankfully, I found a nice road to walk without having to hike up big ass hills. Because between Hunter pulling, my huge belly, and weak ankles, I was about to give up exercise entirely. This road is mostly flat, with a little incline for a challenge. It's also void of housing. Which means no annoying dogs to bark at us or cause Hunter to pull anymore than he already does. It does have a delightful assortment of wildlife. From cottontail bunnies to road runners, we never know what we might see. However, there were two things last week that nature did NOT put on the side of the road.

A used condom and a bottle of pee.

At Least This Means I Get To Sleep More

"I've got good news and bad news," CS told me on Thursday afternoon when he was headed home for the day. "Pick one."

I opted for the good news first but he wouldn't tell me because it spoiled the bad news. Good news: "I won't need any gas money for next week." So what's the bad news?

"They are sending me to Lake Havasu for all next week."

WHAT! Why? Why? His company couldn't get any of the jobs they have lined up for the next few weeks to start this week. So they are sending him a few hours away to work. It was either that or not work at all. And that's not an option. It's fine, really, that he goes away this week. It does mean he can't come to the Dr. with me, nor can we go to the hospital and register together after my appointment. He's driving down to the shop tonight and taking a company truck to the job site. He'll be back on Thursday afternoon. He's already told them that he absolutely cannot go farther than Phoenix area in the next two weeks. Not with my due date looming at two weeks when he gets back. Hopefully, they will have figured something out with their new job sites.

It's too bad that we didn't decide to live down in Mesa area when the trailer idea didn't pan out. We could have saved ourselves a lot of money in rent and gas had we known that CS's work life would change so drastically. As it is, we'll probably more out of this house at the end of September. Find a small two bedroom somewhere in town. I don't foresee CS driving to Mesa everyday for long. Or we will be moving to a new state in October. I don't really know what the plan will be, I just know we have options once we aren't tied down to this location because of our lease and the baby being born.

On the bright side, if we move I need to get furniture and dishes. Which means IKEA!

36 Weeks

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's me and you. Have you thought about this? This whole ludicrous idea that I'm actually going to have a baby, it's real? This can't be true. There's no baby, I just have a wriggly growth. It's making my feet swell and it makes walking around and standing a lot harder than it should be, but that's not a baby.

Honestly, have you thought about this? I sure haven't.

No, I don't have that magical bond some women get with their unborn children. This is not real to me. Yes, I would be devastated if I lost the baby; if something were to go wrong, I would re-act like a human does to tragedy. But this baby isn't a baby to me. Yes, it pokes me and I poke it back. I laugh when people try to feel movement and the baby stops moving, because baby never halts for me. I suppose we have out little "connection" but it's not based on reading children's books before bed or private conversations with my hands on my belly. This child's heard "fuck" more times in utero than it will ever hear in real life. Pregnancy has been a condition that I've had for months now, but the realization that is ends with a real baby is a little shocking to me.

I'm not scared, I know I can handle being a mother. I know I can make it through labor and delivery. Post-partum has me a little nervous, mostly because I've been so damn emotional. I can get my body back into shape, adjust to breastfeeding, and the lack of sleep.

I'm just having a hard time connecting the dots between being pregnant and being given a baby that my body has already been carrying. Because me and wiggle worm here? We've never met.

Splitting The Worlds

Last night, CS and I went out to the lake to meet my brother along with some people he used to work with. This included the two adults I'm most disgusted by in recent events. When CS left his company, it seemed that the men he worked with, men he considered to be his good friends, turned their backs on him. He would call and never get a call back. Meanwhile, my brother would come home with stories about how one man in particular was spouting off assvice about how my brother needed to "get out on his own" and telling him about apartments opening up down the street from them. It made me absolutely furious. This is a family that asked my brother to pay them $800 a month to stay at their house for months. Never once did they offer to find him a place in NM while he was there, waiting for the job to end. Never mind how many times they have had to borrow money to make a payment on time, or had their cells shut off because they didn't pay for months. Talk about responsible.

Last night was the first night we all got together since New Mexico. And I only went along because I brought my own friends. Which may have been awkward for them because our groups didn't mingle much. But it was dark and late and we weren't there for fishing. I sat on my friend's tailgate with my friends, and CS went back and forth between the two groups.

I've never been dependent on CS's work friends to make my life in new places comfortable. I've found my own friends. I don't want to move from place to place without getting to know someone new. I suppose to be honest, I'm not particularly fond of the people he works with. They are fine acquaintances but no one has come close to being a friend to me. This does not frustrate me; I'd prefer it. But it does make it awkward when my world and CS's world collide.

Imagine This

For the last three years, a big part of my life revolved around a little red-headed princess. I didn't get to see her nearly as much as I would have liked and I was constantly thinking about her. She's been the image on my desktop. The image on my cell phone screen. Almost everyone of my contacts in my phone book have a picture that involves her. The only photo in my bedroom is one of her.

I don't think I've loved her like a mother loves a child. But I've loved her more fiercely that I've ever loved someone before. I was devastated when I decided to move away from CO to get out on my own and figure out my life. I felt like I was abandoning her when I should stick around to make sure she never felt excluded from her family. She still breaks my heart when I talk to her and she asks me to come over to Gramma's house.

Is it any surprise, then, that it makes me a little sad to know that in a few weeks I'll have a baby who is going to take over her place in my life. I know I'm going to love my baby endlessly. This baby will soon be the star on my desktop and the photos in my cell phone. I just don't want to feel like I love her any less.

Cut Off The Power Supply

I collected my mail the other day, one of those things I do occasionally. Not too often because then I'm just depressed about the lack of interesting mail, nor do I want to get bills as they trickle in. I'd rather rip that band-aid off quickly. Which is just what happened last time I trekked down to the mailbox. (At this point, any time I willingly choose to walk down the hill to the mail is considered a trek. I waddled, for Pete's sake.) I knew my gas and electric bill would be coming at any point so I was not surprised to see the APS electric bill. But I promptly died of shock when I got home and opened it.

Guess how much my total was? For one month, no past due balance lingering over my head.

One Hundred and Seventy Five Dollars.

$175!!!

My prior bill was $55. Easy. No big deal. But in one month it more than tripled? That's fishy to me. I realize it was a lot hotter in the month of July than June but I have a swamp cooler! Not even the fancy "real" air conditioner. It's practically backwoods for a house to have a swamp cooler. That's what trailer houses use! It's for the poorer folk. So this bill? Is just a little bit shocking. Guess it's time for a meter reading!

Making Girls Feel Pretty

The enormous belly and I had some fun this weekend when my co-worker came over to take pictures. CS joined in too, after I convinced him that he had time to shower and shave before she got to the house. Not like I hadn't warned him in advance. And boys claim to be so ready to go at any minute. Psh. I got ready faster than he did.

We took some really cute pictures. I also have about 25 shots of me looking confused or blank. I've had photo shoots before and they have always told me which way to look, or how to twist my body this way, and smile bigger. Both my lovely photographer and I realized later that we needed to pose the shot more than wait for it to just show up on it's own. Journalism does that to you, I suppose.

In any case, she took some great pictures that I will love to have further down the road. And it helped to have a day where I got to feel pretty again. Lord knows it's been a while since that happened.




Another co-worker of mine is going to do a photo shoot with me this weekend. We're going to get a little more risque and creative though!

Maybe I'm Qualified, But They Don't Know I'm Pregnant

I finally got a call back from a woman who works at the community college here in Globe. They've been advertising for an opening in the English department for the fall semester and I decided to bite the bullet actually call them. Mostly just to see what the qualifications are in order to teach at a community college. Sadly, it's easier to get into than public schools. Or so I think. The woman I talked to yesterday said that with my Bachelor's and some experience I should come in for an interview on Monday. Holy cow. I agreed to come in, but I left my enormous belly out of the conversation. They can't not consider me due to this little condition, so it's not strictly necessary that I begin and end each sentence with "I'm pregnant."

We'll see how it goes. If nothing else, at least I tried.