Monday, February 15, 2010

Look Away! Trainwreck!

This has been a really strange weekend. One minute I feel normal and the next I'm fighting the urge to text CS and ask him if he's watching the really strange Olympic sport I never knew existed (men on skis stopping to shoot at targets) and then I remember I'm not supposed to do that anymore. I've never initiated the break up, merely been the one to watch it fall apart and powerless to stop it. I don't like it much on this side of things either.

I packed on Friday and took my first load of boxes to my mom's while CS slept. He must not have known I had started packing until he got out of bed around 6 PM. He was angry I was leaving and I was angry he had been at the bar the night before with someone who was not me. He denies that he was there with her and while there is evidence against that, I do believe that he wasn't cheating on me physically but he was certainly in the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong person. He did not need to be at the bar for the third time that week when I was at home, putting our son to bed. His life is not so stressful that he needs to get out of the house for a beer that often. Our life is stressful, granted, but buying beer with a credit card is not the way to solve our problems.

He thinks I left because I wanted out and finding him at the bar, next to a woman, is just my excuse and I've spun a story of lies to make it ok for me to go. To be clear, I didn't leave just because I found him at the bar and thought he might be cheating on me. I left for much more than that. I left because we can't communicate anymore and any attempts are through text messaging and a chorus of "whatever" and "nothing." He and I haven't gone to sleep together on a regular basis in over a year. He stays up all night and sleeps all day while I get up and take care of Jacob and try to cobble some sort of normal life out of pennies. I know the economy is hard and his trade isn't in high demand here but that is no excuse for what he's done when he isn't working. I no longer understand his motive and I lacked the energy to pour myself into building him up. I do not understand low self-esteem but I know that I cannot make him have it. I'm sure it's hard not to be able to provide for your family but giving up is not an option.

We've moved into my mom's now and things are somewhat settled. It's so surreal to me to be here. I keep forgetting that this shit really happened and now I have to retrain myself to be alone. There is no one to sit next to in silence as we watch TV. There is no one around when I put jacob to bed at 10 PM. It's quiet and dim and all there is to do is go to bed. I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. Even though I'm choosing this, there is no joy here. I am still broken.


closetangel said...

Not broken. Never broken. Bruised maybe.

And I, well, I want to say I understand. Retraining yourself to be alone is wicked hard. I had forgotten until this past breakup. And I still have urge to text, to share, to connect with him. But he no longer gets that part of me, same as yours no longer gets that part of you. I have decided I'd rather be alone on the couch than just feel alone as he sat next to me.

Side note: feel free to text me random things if you have the urge. I <3 the random!

Duncan Donuts said...

You aren't alone - maybe he isn't next to you, but you have so much support - we just aren't sitting next to you. You will be ok. Call or text any time.

randi said...

hey sweetie,

hang in there! it sounds like you are doing the right thing for now. i am really glad your mom can help you out.

i will be praying for you and the decisions you have to make. let me know if you ever need to talk, ok? i am serious about that. relationships are tough and sometimes venting and seeing things from someone else's view is helpful.

hugs for you and that adorable babe of yours! :)


Abby said...

What Sarah said-you aren't alone. Thinking of you.