Tonight, after I put Jacob in his Pj's and brushed his teeth and rocked his sturdy body to sleep, I went to the bar.
I went to the bar to find CS.
And I did. Even though he left at 8 PM to go on a fire call. He was there.
Having a beer.
Talking to a woman who I do not know. I didn't ask who she was. Maybe she's no one. Or maybe she's someone he was with last night, when I woke up at 4 AM to let the crying dog out and CS wasn't there. I don't know. It doesn't really matter.
It's over now.
I've glossed over my relationship with him so much in the past because he reads this and I never wanted to air dirty laundry to everyone. But this is for me. So that I can't pretend I didn't walk in to a bar and see the man I agreed to have a baby with, the man I thought I'd marry, have more babies with, grow old with, sitting with another woman and knowing I had no idea what he could have been doing. I should have though. A man who goes to the bar and buys alcohol when he can't put food on the table for his son is clearly not a good man. A man who spends the day in bed, only getting up to go to class followed by the bar is not a good daddy. I do not know the man I've been sleeping next to and that scares me to death.
So I went back to the house, and started to slowly and quietly pack our things. He's not said a word to me and I don't expect him to come back until the early morning hours, if he does at all.
I deserve better than this. Jacob deserves more than this.