Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Today, after dinner, CS ditched me and Jacob in the kitchen with his mom and went to watch TV. I didn't know he left for good, or I would have followed him to avoid this little awkward exchange. CS's mom was doing the dishes and she turned around to ask me if I was upset with her. I said no. She said she wasn't sure because I have been very quiet and I don't stay at their house very much. I told her that I had to be at my mom's to watch my dog because he gets destructive and because I'm more comfortable there. I didn't elaborate. I didn't tell the truth.

If you could peek into my head during the times I am here at CS's house, you would see a lot of anger. I'm also angry in my car, or talking about it, and lots of times in-between. I fantasize about getting CS to agree to get married at City Hall, so we can stay in the same room together. Then get an annulment the day we move out. I think about moving all my things out to my mom's house and staying there. Or just crawling into bed with CS some days. These are the things I think about before I fall asleep. These are my lullabies.

No wonder I have little to say when I'm at his house. When I'm upset about something, I don't usually talk about it. But I've already voiced my opinion on this subject and I was shot down. So I have nothing more to say. But it also created an environment when I do not feel compelled to talk to his mom about anything.

I sleep at his house as night, and in the mornings, I pack my things and my baby up and go to my mom's house. Lots of evenings, I put the baby in his PJ's, nurse him, then drive back and put him in his crib. This is how I keep my sanity in and acceptance of this situation. My relationship with CS's mom may never be what is was before we lived with them. I'm almost 26; I do not need to be judged and controlled like a horny teenager. I miss sleeping with CS, having someone to go to bed with and wake up next to him. So yes, I am still upset.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Stupid Storms

Look, Colorado. I know that we need the moisture and these daily storms are how you like to bring it in the summer months. But you are killing my head. I started to get a headache at dinner and it slowly built as the storm came up from Colorado Springs to Fremont County. And now the storm has passes us but my head it still aching. Tylenol doesn't cut it either. And I was just informed via that I am not supposed to take aspirin because children and nursing mothers are at higher risk for Reye's Syndrome and internal bleeding. So that one aspirin I took at the beginning of July was a HUGE mistake but I was not going to make it from Denver to Penrose without trying to chuck the baby out the window for crying that he was tired of being confined and all he wanted to do was crawl freely at some point in the day. So I took one. We are both fine. But clearly, Colorado, I cannot take an aspirin everytime you decide that we need some rain. So please, rain if you must. But leave the barometric pressure behind. We do not need it. Our altitude is enough of a headache as it is.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


CS got a phone call yesterday. It was a company in Alabama, calling him in for an interview for a position as a foreman. One he applied to months ago and they told him that since he left the jobsite with an application and brought it back later, he would be put on a 30 day restriction and he was not allowed to take a weld test.

He got two more phone calls after that. Two more companies looking to hire him.


Not that we could have stayed in Alabama. We had no more money for rent, food, utilities. Nothing. But now he's working a job where they aren't paying him what he deserves and needs yet, and they made him wait two weeks after we got here before they found work for him to do. So technically, we should have just stayed and waited it out for three more weeks. We probably would have killed each other, but at least we'd be somewhere that winter never visited.

I wish this wasn't so hard. I wish I knew where CS and I should be. Are we making more foolish decisions by coming back to CO? Just like when we moved down to Alabama without a secured job. How long do we have to wait for CS's new job to "pick up" before they pay him the amount he agreed to wait three weeks to receive. What if it takes a few months for them to decide to pay him what they said when they offered the job. Why can they get away with keeping him hanging on a promise? These are things I cannot change and I don't know how to cope with them.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

My Little Baby!

This is supposed to be a video but I don't know if it's going to play correctly or not. My mom had it on her camera and I just found a whole bunch of pictures from a few months ago. Oh, how I love that tiny boy. Now I have a bit walking, almost talking toddler.
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July What?

Somehow it is already July 21st and only two days away from my mom's birthday. Why is this happening? I want it to be summer forever, I am not ready for winter to descend on us in 2 months, commencing with the awful gusts of wind our area seems to attract. We are supposed to be in the South where winter is just a pipe dream and no one knows what snow even looks like.

I hate winter.

Especially since my mom just got me three new pairs of cute shorts, two tank tops, and a dress that doesn't make me look 4 months pregnant. Not to mention the fact that Jacob mostly wears a teeshirt and a diaper all day. Or just the onsie he slept in the night before.

I'm trying to figure out what to get my mom for her birthday but it's hard to justify a present right now when the money I have in my account is coming from her. Plus, all the crafts I can make with my limited knowledge, she already has! So I'm going to bake her a cake. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Except she's going golfing on her birthday. Which seems like a rather lame way to spend a birthday evening, but all I have to offer is a night with a baby who likes to eat rocks. So clearly her options are limited.

Friday, July 17, 2009

When I Was Young...

I was watching TLC's "A Baby Story" where a woman was in the hospital for a C-section and while she was waiting to be cleared for her surgery, her six year old son was having a hard time accepting her situation. He was upset about her being hooked up to the monitors and seeing them putting her IV in brought on a wave of tears. They tried justifying it by saying that "he's only 6!" Which, well, I guess is a valid point. Except when I was six? I was the "nurse" for my dad and my mom's friend Amy when they delivered my baby sister because the midwives were late. I had to rush back to my mom's room and grab the box of medical supplies so they could suction her airways after she was born. I couldn't get the bulb aspirator package open (because I was six and those things are hard to open at that age) and I had to give it to my dad to rip open. So no, I think six is old enough not to be freaking out that your mom is having a baby. Sheesh, they should have given him a job to do in the operating room. I'm sure I could have handled it at his age.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Five Things About Jacob

He turned ten months old this month and I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that my baby is no longer in single digit months. TEN. Which means that twelve is only two months away and then I will have a one year old. Where has my baby gone?

He's walking. Not all the time, but enough that he's learning that walking is way better than crawling. Nineteen steps is the most he's taken, which is probably six feet. Maybe not even that much. But he can walk and clap so obviously he's a genius.

He can blow bubbles with a straw. And if you blow in his face, he will try to blow back. This was just discovered tonight by gramma gramma.

He loves to climb stairs but he has no idea how to get back down them safely. He likes to turn around and try to walk down them. I'm trying to teach him to turn around and go down backwards but so far he just gets down three steps before looking up and thinking 'ooo stairs!" and up he goes again. Progress is SLOW.

He's started "talking" by waving one hand in the air and making loud, mumbled vocalization with his lips closed. Mostly he does it to JBelle when she won't pay attention to him (read: always) but he will do it when he thinks he has something to say to you. He clearly knows that we speak to each other and to him, but he has no idea that he is not understood.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Pool Boy

Jacob liked to play in the pool at our neighbors house in Alabama. He didn't love walking around the pool, but he did love standing on the steps. He got so confident that he even tried to sit on them. Which resulted in self-dunking. But now we can go to the baby pool in Canon and he's able to walk around the whole thing without worrying about stepping off a stair. He's terribly pleased with himself.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Welcome! Now Go To Your Room.

I'm twitching every time a loud firework goes off because Jacob is sleeping and if this shit wakes him up, I am going to go postal on the neighbors and cover their stash with fire extinguisher goo. This is the downside to being close to other people in a small town. Everyone is out on the street, shooting off fireworks. My mom's house is way out in the country and we don't have many people lighting fireworks and if they did, it's at least half a mile down the road. Puts a damper on the popping noises.

So we are back in Colorado and we have moved in with CS's parents. Ya'll, if I make it through this? I need fucking MEDAL.

I've never understood CS's relationship with his parents, as well as the relationships between his siblings and their parents. Most people I know have gotten to the point where their parents are on the same level as friends. I realize not everyone is as close to their mom's as I am to mine, but I generally see my peers in a much more mature relationship with their parents at this point. But the relationships that CS's and his siblings have with their parents must still be in the teenage years. And their youngest child is 24. Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't tell your parents about a boyfriend because you couldn't date or you skipped work because you stayed out too late the night before, etc. because you didn't want to get in trouble? This is what I liken their relationship to. Their kids don't tell the parents about the details in their lives because they will still get in trouble. Not grounded, obviously, but they make them feel like their actions are a disappointment to how they were raised. So the children lie to them and avoid certain situations because their parents cannot accept that they are adults. And as adults, they have the opportunity to make choices that their parents might approve of or think unwise. But they should be able to do so without fear that their parents are going to be upset. Did my mom want me to move to NM with CS? Probably not. Did she want me to have a baby with him? Not really. But she's never made me feel like a disappointment to her for choosing those things.

But I never understood why CS and his siblings choose to pretend about certain things or keep secrets until now. CS's parents are making CS and I sleep in separate rooms. Never mind that we have a fucking BABY, or that we have lived together for two years now. Never mind that I signed the common law form to get health insurance, something that most gays and lesbians are fighting for, correct? His parents believe that it goes against their moral values to allow us to stay here and sleep in the same room. I am 25 and CS is 29. Surely they must know that we are going to continue to have sex under their roof. But the privilege of sharing a bed openly is not ours.

I tried to talk to his mom about it because when she first talked to me, she wasn't sure if that rule still applied since OBVIOUSLY we've had sex, and we are adults, we live like we are married. So when the "house rule" came up, I thought that I could present my opinion on it and have it taken into consideration. WRONG. It doesn't matter that CS and I haven't been on the same schedule for 10 months now, and that I'd like to be able to have some time alone with him. Even though we came very close to ending our relationship less than two weeks ago. It doesn't matter that CS will be able to sleep alone and never have to worry about waking Jacob up with his loud alarm for work. He will never be there for weekend mornings when Jacob pounces on us. There will be no leaky diapers in his bed or crying fits at 3 AM. Since we are not married, we cannot share a room and we cannot be a family. Because of their Values and Morals. Which apparently I insulted by questioning the rules.

But I call Bullshit. This could also be attributed to the fact that his mom doesn't understand why we are not married, and thus it's a good push toward being married if we want to have one bedroom. Also, she blames us for her daughter living with her boyfriend. We are a bad influence.

I am so thankful that I do not have parents like this. I am so grateful that my mother does not rest her personal morals on laurels and force them onto me. I am so glad that I never have to lie to her or hide what I'm doing. That I am accepted in all my flaws because I am her child and she loves me. I hope I can be that kind of mama to Jacob.