Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm Gonna Post Every Day For A Whole Month

Somehow, I don't see this happening. I barely get through reading my blogs everyday. It's not like I have a lot of free time during the day to play online to my heart's content. Not like before. Before, when I only had to read to kids who wanted to listen to me. Before, when I was never in control of a group of teens. Before, when my job wasn't to grade crafts or how many books a person read.

Being a teacher may pay more, but it comes with a little more responsibility than being a librarian required. Maybe I'd like to go back to that kind of job. One with no yelling. Or threats. Although, threats can be fun. I may follow through on my threats of today and write up some lunch D-halls tomorrow for some chatty basketball players. They won't like that too much. Or I'll just tell them that Coach gave me permission to threaten them with playing time if they won't shut their mouths.

Back to NaBloPoMo...I had a great idea for a blog the other day and I have since forgotten it. It was something that I could stretch out over the whole month. But I can't remember. Of course.

I have been baking up muffins in the past week. Some Carrot Zucchini Nut muffins with Cream Cheese frosting last Wednesday. Pumpkin Pecan with Cream Cheese (I had a whole bowl of frosting left over) and tonight I am going to make Popcorn cake for the Teacher's Lounge Halloween. I'm also going to bring the Pumpkin Muffins because I cannot and will not and should not eat a whole pan of muffins. I'd like to fit into my new clothes for a while. Or if I don't fit, I'd prefer them to be a little looser. Not tighter.

My Smackdown plan for losing 10 pounds is not going so well. I joined the gym. Although, I've been going less frequently than I planned. I still work out for an hour everyday, it's just not always at the gym. I hate this because I've been trying so hard since August to fix this. To get back to my "normal" size. And I will hate if this is "normal". I don't want to have to skip meals in order to be a size 8. I don't eat fast food. I don't fry a lot of food. I cut back on portion sizes because I can't eat like a boy. I cut back on red meat. I don't drink beer. I started going to aerobics class at 5 AM a few times a week. And what else do I need to do? Stop and check everything I put in my mouth? Eat and drink only diet food? What am I doing wrong! Yes, in the past, before I made dinner every night, I didn't always eat a real dinner. How do I get away with that now? It's impossible! So am I destined to be like this for the rest of my life? Also, don't get me started on how my forehead thinks I'm in puberty again and that Philosophy Hope In A Jar isn't enough!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Baby, I'm Amazed.

Friday night, when CS and I were coming back home after dinner at the casino (because I just wanted to get out for dinner and enjoy it!) a Lonestar song came on the "radio" and after a second, CS changed it to a different station. I protested because it's a good song and he almost never changes the station in the middle of a classic song. But then he told me that while it's a good song, it has some particular sentiment that he's not interested in revisiting. Which, of course. Honestly, that same song was once one of those "forbidden" songs I used to skip over when it came on unexpectedly. But none of those songs matter anymore. "You're Body Is A Wonderland" was a big one, and back in June, I caught myself texting the lyrics to him. Back in June. Before we'd even said anything about love. How did that happen?

Maybe, though, maybe it's because it's been years since those songs meant anything to me, and I only avoided them out of respect for what they once meant and how tormented I used to be by hearing them. I've been over all of that heartache for years now, so perhaps it's just time taking it's toll. Maybe I just need to give him time to get over the things he's been through. So he can listen to certain songs and appreciate them rather than remember who he was with in the past. Is this why you're not supposed to date someone right after a divorce? Or why "on the rebound" is such a bad thing. Because you always have these "What ifs" in your head. Even when you don't especially believe they are truly a concern.

I don't speak to CS about the things I put on here. He may or may not know I have a Blogger blog, and I don't point him in that direction. If he wants to find this, he can. But right now, it acts as my wailing wall. Where I put down the little insecurities. The thoughts I need to get out there, but I don't want to place on him. I don't need to be reassured of anything. I don't need him to hide things like that because he's afraid it might upset me, or cause a scene. He had a wife before me. I know this. I can't change it. So I'm accepting it, albeit somewhat slowly. I never was good with change. I've gotten over my broken heart. Maybe he's still mending his.

Someday, we'll be able to listen to all those songs, both of us, without any thought to those who came before.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


I finally have a Login name and password for my classes. Or for the computer in my room. I can actually enter grades now. Which, I suppose I should be doing right now. Oh, wait. Can't. All my grades are in a packet that's currently in the computer lab. I'll do it during 4th period. Which the kidlets take a test. Online state testing is my friend.

Except for the fact that I hate No Child Left Behind because in actuality, it CANNOT work. It's not my job to teach that punkass kid who refuses to learn. I can only present the material. I can't make anyone remember it.

Yesterday, while we were having lunch, Coach asked me what I was eating. Just like he does everyday. I had brought leftover stuffed red peppers, the ones from Smitten Kitchen, I believe. It's full of eggplant, carrots, onions, and tomatoes with a little bit of ground chicken, topped with sour cream. It's very good, I recommend it! Anyways, it's sort of a game to me. I bring in weird food and he asks me what I'm eating, because I think he's glad he didn't end up with a woman who cooks squash and actually likes it! Poor CS. Honestly, I don't bring in really strange things, although if I lived near a Whole Foods, you know I would. I've brought hummus, pita, spaghetti squash, Progresso Soup, Taco Salad, ect. I eat somewhat healthy at lunch. Yesterday, when he sees my red pepper lunch, he asks if I ever just want some steak and a potato. Which, of course I do. Just not daily, like someone else I live with...who also doesn't like rice. OMG. So I told him about how I read food blogs lately and I've been cooking things from there, including my pumpkin cheesecake brownies. Everyone started giving me a hard time about how come they aren't seeing any of this at work! And my response was "I only send it to my friends!" Which was not how that was supposed to come out. And man, did I get in trouble for that. So I went home to redeem myself and I made Carrot Zucchini Muffins with Cream Cheese Frosting, recipe from Coconut and Lime's blog. They are pretty damn tasty. I wanted something with a Fall-ish taste but I didn't have a good recipe for pumpkin bread. I didn't want banana because I wanted to use cream cheese frosting. So I knew carrots needed to be involved but I wanted it to be healthier than carrot cake. Thus-Carrot Zucchini. In pretty little Fall colored leaf liners.

I think I redeemed myself. I'll have to think of something else for next week. Since I don't always have to stay after school on Wednesday because I'm technically a Sub, I get to leave at 2:30 instead of 3:30 the rest of the week. I am planning on taking that extra hour I have and making something for Thursday. Can you tell I miss brunches?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Internet, Let's Make Out!

No that I no longer get to play online for hours upon hours a day, I am relishing in my time spend online. I've found a slew of new websites to read, mostly cooking blogs, and I'm just loving it. I wish I could link to some things I've found recently, but Safari doesn't allow me to create linked sites. Why? Because it's L-A-M-E! Honestly, I don't understand that. I've had my Mac for three years now, had numerous Safari downloads, and still it's lacking. Are there other Mac compatible browsers that have everything I need?

I'm at the point where I want to have a real masthead, have a design for my blog. If I'm going to post frequently, then why not make it look good! Plus, I just signed up for NaBloPoMo! I'll be posting everyday in November. Won't you join me?

I'm in love with www.vogues.com. They have amazing chocolate products, and I'm desperate to try what they make. Chili powder and wasabi in chocolate? Sign me up! This weekend, I made pumpkin cheesecake brownies from Coconut and Lime. Tonight I made stuffed red peppers from Smitten Kitchen. I ordered two birthday presents off of Etsy this past month.

Annnd, I just remembered that i had a lot of grading to do tonight for my "Night" test on Friday and I did none of it. Plus, it's bedtime for this girl. This girl who now wakes up at 5 AM to go listen to aerobics music and hop around on a step like a tone deaf drunk in a bar.

Monday, October 22, 2007

20 Questions

Miss? You got a cell phone?
Miss? You live in Colorado?
Miss? How's your dog?
Miss? What kind of music do you like?
Miss? You like the Broncos?
Miss? Do you know who Lightning McQueen is?
Miss? Are you married?
Miss? Is that your daughter?
Miss? Is it cold outside?
Miss? Miss? Miss?

Miss? What's your favorite kind of Hamburger Helper?
Miss? Are you dating?
Miss? Did you watch the game?
Miss? Are you going Trick or Treating?
Miss? Where do you live?
Miss? Are you Italian?

All those questions happened in about 5 minutes.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

70 Dollars A Day

That's what I get paid now. Since I'm working this position longer than 6 weeks, I get an extra ten dollars a day. I'm not quite sure if that's really enough. But we'll see. It's not like I make any decisions about what I'm going to be teaching, or do normal things teachers do. Like send away for worksheets.

Things are going well. My kids in 2nd period commented today on how well behaved they have been for me. I suppose that's flattering, as they tortured the previous teacher. She was a great teacher, but extremely strict and probably not much fun. I feel badly for her. That after all her years of teaching, she retires from a horrid group of children that turn around and treat me like I deserve their attention and respect.

Remember that whole saga of this upcoming weekend? About wanting time with CS, then maybe babysitting, then not babysitting, and a trip to Texas? Yeah, all bets are off on that one. Tuesday, at the job site, another company cut LPR's power so they had to take time out to bring in generators and now they are all working this weekend. All my fretting, for naught. Lovely weekend with my boyfriend? Not happening. I guess that's a rookie mistake. Never assume that plans won't change. Nothing will stay the same until it's set in stone.

I'll keep making plans though, like I have some control over my future, and what it is I want to do with it.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm Going To Need Some More Money

They asked me to be a long term sub again. Until Christmas, this time. That's nine weeks away. I'm going to be in charge of teaching them the material, grading, everything! So. I'm going to need more money. You wanna wait to pick an English teacher? Then you gotta pay for the work being done. And $60 a day? Not enough, my friends.

Since I'm going to be in the same room for weeks, I went out and got a few supples. One- A Swear Jar. Students must pay me if they utter innapropriate language. I'm really, really tempted to ban "shut up" from my room. Along with faggot, that's gay, slurs of any kind, and general stupidity. Is that wrong? Teens are so mean to each other, and they say such horrid things in jest. Completely appalling, too.

I'll think of some examples later. I need to go to bed, so I can get up at 5 AM in the morning.

Yeah, 5 AM. To go do Aerobics.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Other Woman

Once, weeks ago (weeks seem like months, is that just me?) CS was sitting on the couch and I was at the table by my computer. We hadn't been talking, and he goes to ask me something, I forget what. And he says "Hey Kristen...Jess." Then we just looked at each other. "We were just talking about her!" he says, with a tone of instant remorse at the words he just uttered. I kept looking at him, my eyes big and my jaw dropped. "There are a lot worse places you could have said that," is all I say.

In his defense, we had been talking about her. She had called that night, while we wear sitting outside our front door, eating chips and salsa out of the jar. Whenever she calls, without fail, CS looks at his phone...sees her number...sighs...flips it open... and says "Hello?" Like, "I know who this is, but I am extending no effort to make you feel welcome to call me." I told him that that night and we did start a small conversation about her and what happened with them. I don't know all the details, nor do I want to. I know a little bit, but I don't want to bring her and him into our relationship out of simple curiosity. As far as I know, she doesn't call often. She calls for a reason here and there, but those reasons are starting to die out as everything becomes final and their life together is no more.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should ever worry about her getting him back. If marriage bonds really are that strong. You hear stories about exes getting back together, working things out. Honestly, I think it would be impossible for them to go back, to fall in love. But on an especially rough day, it's a little fear in a small corner of my mind. Maybe it's because I'm naive, and I believe that when you say "I do" and you bind yourself to another person, part of you can never escape those bonds. That marriage is the welding of two fleshes, and to separate that, you must cut it away. And if you do, are you ever whole again? Even if we are happy and meant to be together, she will always be the first. I'd be lying if I said that never hurts me.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Texas: A Watership Down Experience

I've never read "Watership Down" but I know it features rabbits as an illusion to people or society, something. But we drove through Texas last night and I saw more cottontail rabbits on the side of the road in 8 hours than I have ever seen in my life. CS tried to hit one, too. Ya'll can beat on him for that.

Anyways, we drove to El Paso last night to drop off my favorite family, ??? (or what I am going to refer to them from this moment), at the airport. El Paso is about 4 hours away, and right next to Mexico. Basically, I drove to Mexico and back last night. This all began at noon on Saturday, when I brought lunch to CS and he told me that we were taking the ??? family to El Paso. All five of them. Plus me and CS. In his truck. I said ok, like I always do, before thinking this through. 7 people. In a truck for 5. And one of those 7 is a toddler, and needs a car seat. Hmm. "This must be a joke", I thought to myself. I even sent him a text saying "You liar! We are so not going to El Paso tonight."

But then we did.

And it was long. So long. Just picture this for four hours: Front seat- CS and I. (Is that wrong that I got to sit in the front?) Back seat- Age 9, Mom, Age 10, and Age Two in a car seat. In the bed of the truck- Dad. For 215 miles.

Now, let me say this. One on one, and overall, I don't have a problem with Family ???. They are a great group, and have done many, many wonderful things for us. And will do them in the future. I have no doubts. They are great friends, and good children.

But, all together and in a space the size of a bathroom, I tend to silently lose my mind. If it's not the baby saying "You're stupid" and throwing toddler tantrums that never get nipped in the bud, it's the 4th grader's complaining of being bored, or the Mom who treats her children like she is the older sister and is being forced to watch her bratty half sister's while their parents are out for the night, the the Dad who tells the Mom to "just shut up!" I have never been around a family like this. It's the embodiment of the worst characteristics a family can have. On hand, it's good to see this because it re-enforces how I will and won't behave with my children and my husband when I have them. But on the other, I have to put myself through this on a regular basis because they are our friends and sometimes I have a great time with them. It's about 70% Great Fun and 30% Poke My Eye Out.

This weekend is the three day weekend where we were going to watch the kids, but we don't have to! They found someone else to do it, probably because of me. No one says anything about how I might feel toward them but I'm pretty sure it's a known thing. Some times I think I need to explain to CS that I won't be like this with our kids, that I don't dislike children. I'm just so uncomfortable around them. Such a shame I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Truck Wants to Make Out With Me, And Buy Me Pretty Things!

Or maybe just marry me.

Why? Because I took it in to be serviced, and I vaccumed it, and I attempted to wash it! Automatic car washes are not an option for CS's beloved truck. No way, dudes. So I washed it by hand, with a bucket of car wash soap. Did you know there is such thing as car wash soap? I have never thought to wonder, until now. Now I just know. Only buy Maguires. Ok? I'm sure you were worried about what kind to use, and possibly you have been using the wrong kind. So start with the "good for your car" kind tomorrow.

I say I attempted to wash it because it's very dirty and covered in mud. And the water here leaves spots and white streaks when it dries too fast. I am just a short little girl who doesn't really know how to wash cars, much less huge trucks. But I did my best. And I cleaned out all the trash in the bed of the truck too.

Seriously, this truck wants to marry me now.

I accomplished quite a lot on my day off today. Flies have taken residence on our back screen door and the window above the kitchen sink, so last night I smeared up my windows trying to kill all the awful flies that invaded while we were making dinner. I killed a lot. Not many of them returned tonight! I vaccumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, waited around for the maintenence men to show up and fix the damn door already. Which they did. I heard loud bangs while I was in the shower, and I'm glad I didn't need to let them in. It's so nice now, I no longer have to slam the door shut or drag it open! It's like magic now, and so quiet. They also manages to somehow lock me into the house when they fixed it. The deadbolt on the front door doesn't work and when I came down to open the door for them to tell me they had finished, I discovered I was locked in. So I had to go out the back and work the key around in the lock before it opened again. After he saw that it was broken, he told me they would come back and they actually did! Fixed my deadbolt and gave me a key! Which is good, because you can totally open that door with a credit card. I am better not knowing that information, but I made CS tell me how he and our guests were getting in when they had lost his key. Then I made him show me how to open a door with a credit card. Just in case, you know?

After my house was all spiffy and clean, I went to get the truck and take it to Ford for a ton of services. I was there for an hour and a half, and only at the end did some annoying man start to talk to me. Luckily, they called my name. Actually, they called me Mrs. Slattery, about three times before I realized he was calling me. Hey! It's not my name! Oh, but you don't know that...Just gonna roll with it. Close enough to it, anyways. I also have his credit card and account password. It's not my fault I'm so good with finances! Plus, when I had no money and nothing to do, I felt really isolated in my position. So I control the money. He just makes it. Riiight.

And that's why he's buying a Wii on Friday.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Putting Off Bedtime

I'm not sure why I don't want to go to bed. I'm also not sure why I'm watching a movie about sled dogs racing across the Arctic to find their master, either. Hunt wants to know who the hell is barking and why can't we play? Sorry, buddy, TV dogs are the only pals you've got right now. But this is too funny, he really thinks that there is a dog somewhere in the apartment, he just doesn't realize it's on TV. And now....he's looking out the window.

I am cruel.

I've been thinking for the past few days that CS and I need a little break away from the norm here in NM. I feel bad for him because he's so tired all the time. He works hard all day, comes home, eats dinner, watches some TV with me, and then falls asleep around 9. My life isn't spent working, like his, but I do spend very little with him. I know that when I get home I want to sit in front of my computer and veg out, so he does that too. I can't force him to go out and do something every night because 1) that's hard to do here, and 2) he's exhasted. I told him yesterday that we needed to take a vacation. He told me today that he's not working the third weekend in October. All the foremen are having a workshop or conference in Denver and he will have time off. "YES!" I thought, right away. That's perfect. Three days for us to just be, maybe we can get away from here. Secretly, I want to go to Austin, TX and play around there. But then he goes on. His boss and friend, the one we stayed with in the beginning, is going to the Denver meeting. And he wants to bring his wife. And not his kids. Apparently, they have been fighting a lot because they haven't had any time together sans children. So he asked if CS and I would stay with the kids at night while they are gone. Someone else would watch them during the day, but we'd take over at night.

And I...just. don't. know. I want to say no, but I feel like that's not an option. CS is their unofficial "godfather" so is it wrong to put ourselves first? And you all know it's no secret that I have a difficult time around the kids. They are of an age I don't relate to, and their lack of discipline makes it hard for me to enjoy them. So to give up three days of time with my boyfriend? The boyfriend I see and talk to for three hours daily? That's hard. Yeah, I understand it's rough to live this life, to move around, to have kids in tow. But that's why we don't have kids. Why we won't have kids and live like this. I want my kids to have a stable home and I want to have friends that are mine, not my husband's coworker's wife or GF. I want to be selfish here and say "You picked this, and I need time with my significant other, too" but maybe that's out of line here.

I'm not even sure if we could afford to go anywhere on this three day weekend, but that's three days I could be with CS and actually get to know the man more. See him well rested again, and check some of the world around us, together. Babysitting is not my idea of a fantastic long weekend. I'm not sure if I've officially said Yes or No, though. More of an "I guess" in a reluctant, I can't look at your face when I say that because I know my feelings are written all over my face, sort of way.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I De-Lurked. Take That, Internet Shyness!

I did! I posted on almost every blog I read on a daily basis.

Also, I bought a new pair of shoes today and I'm really on my way out the door to walk Hunty. He's been fussing at me for the past thirty minutes, and I'd best get my butt out the door before CS gets back from work. So I can start dinner, you know.

Always, these shoes better be nicer to my feet than the last pair I bought. These:

Those are the shoes of Evil. And I returned them. After wearing them TWICE. But hey, I'm not paying $50 for a pair of shoes I cannot wear. Especially when they come from a place called the Shoe Dept. Sorry! Give me my money back. Now.

Also, kids from Hell? Continue to be that way. I'm thinking it's time for a visit from my pal, the Principal.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Please Stop Shouting.

Sometimes this is my day. Actually, right now, it's 55 minutes from 1:30 to 2:25. And it's less asking "please" and more wanting to throw something at the little fucks. They are so obnoxious. I may or may not have "Discipline Action" slips ready and waiting on their desks tomorrow, if I could only figure out their names.

We are reading "Night" by Elie Wiesel and so we have been talking a lot about how something as terrible as the Holocaust is possible. And wouldn't you know it, but I had a student use a Jewish slur on another student RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. He must have realized that that was a big, big mistake when my jaw dropped and I instantly got the Wicked Witch look on my face, followed by an "that is not acceptable" lecture.

Other than that, things are going well. It's lucky they are teaching something I know a lot about and so I can just tell all I know to them. The OCS teacher tried to fix me up with someone but luckily I have a boyfriend.

Speaking of the boyfriend, he is currently sleeping in the chair next to me. He went to the Dr. today for the hundred-plus bites he has all over his lower body. They didn't actually know what he was bitten by, and they just told him to take Benedryl and some antibiotics for the next few days. I feel so bad, his whole lower body is just covered with welts. The nurse told me not to let him go fishing anymore. Apparently, that's not an option.

PS. That's my new catch phrase. In case you were wondering, what does Jess say constantly? Mom's going to teach JBelle that soon. I can't wait!

I'm also being a fanstastic English Major and reading Wuthering Heights for the first time. I always feel like I get to pat myself on the back for reading the Classics on my own. I am enjoying it immensely! Did you know that it's a great story? And a rather quick read, I'm already halfway done and I've had about two hours of reading time. What should be on my list when I finish? I still haven't read "Age of Innocence" or "Sense and Sensibility", should one of those be my next choice?

Oh, also, if some of this is mispelled or an obvious error, it's because the spell check doesn't work with Safari and Blogger. And I'm too lazy to copy and paste into a word document and then check and paste again. So, really I'm not an idiot. I just type faster than my fingers can spell. I really can spell! Quite well!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Can I Post Photos, Safari?

I decided to buy some new clothes. And I'm a tad bit bored, as CS is asleep after an evening of suffering through over 100 welts all over his lower body, and the laundry is still going. I took some pics of the new clothes, actually, I took photos of the fabric. Ok, so this is going to be a "wanna be artsy" photo blog. Sorry. I'm not really artsy. I don't have an eye for color. Unless it's lovely yarn. Nor do I take really nice photos.

I live in New Mexico and I have no friends here so, um, yeah!

This is a lovely sweater I plan on wearing once I lose five pounds. Hmm. That's so wrong to buy clothes knowing you want to lose the squishyness before it's worn. Or, maybe I'll just buy those Old Navy stretchy pants...

This is a flowy, smocked peasanty shirt that is so the look I am going for. Tomorrow is Nerd Day at school, maybe I can wear that. I'll fit right in. Or maybe I fit right in anyways.

I love these pants. They might be kind of loud, but who cares. They are a size 6 and they rock my world.

As you can see, I was wearing this shirt when I took the photo. Also? A shirt like this should not be worn on the first day of October. It's just too Spring-like for Fall. Although, when does it start being Fall around here? Or do we just fall straight into winter? Bummer. I love Fall.