Saturday, October 27, 2007

Baby, I'm Amazed.

Friday night, when CS and I were coming back home after dinner at the casino (because I just wanted to get out for dinner and enjoy it!) a Lonestar song came on the "radio" and after a second, CS changed it to a different station. I protested because it's a good song and he almost never changes the station in the middle of a classic song. But then he told me that while it's a good song, it has some particular sentiment that he's not interested in revisiting. Which, of course. Honestly, that same song was once one of those "forbidden" songs I used to skip over when it came on unexpectedly. But none of those songs matter anymore. "You're Body Is A Wonderland" was a big one, and back in June, I caught myself texting the lyrics to him. Back in June. Before we'd even said anything about love. How did that happen?

Maybe, though, maybe it's because it's been years since those songs meant anything to me, and I only avoided them out of respect for what they once meant and how tormented I used to be by hearing them. I've been over all of that heartache for years now, so perhaps it's just time taking it's toll. Maybe I just need to give him time to get over the things he's been through. So he can listen to certain songs and appreciate them rather than remember who he was with in the past. Is this why you're not supposed to date someone right after a divorce? Or why "on the rebound" is such a bad thing. Because you always have these "What ifs" in your head. Even when you don't especially believe they are truly a concern.

I don't speak to CS about the things I put on here. He may or may not know I have a Blogger blog, and I don't point him in that direction. If he wants to find this, he can. But right now, it acts as my wailing wall. Where I put down the little insecurities. The thoughts I need to get out there, but I don't want to place on him. I don't need to be reassured of anything. I don't need him to hide things like that because he's afraid it might upset me, or cause a scene. He had a wife before me. I know this. I can't change it. So I'm accepting it, albeit somewhat slowly. I never was good with change. I've gotten over my broken heart. Maybe he's still mending his.

Someday, we'll be able to listen to all those songs, both of us, without any thought to those who came before.

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