Thursday, February 25, 2010

Red Hot

After multiple attempts at the repair shop/oil change place, my heat is finally working. They had to run water through my heater coil to unblock it and now my engine is running hot enough to put heat into the car. It was awesome. I had to take my coat off in the car when it was 30 degrees outside. I cannot remember the last time that happened. I need new tires though. Badly!

Jacob is feeling better, I think. He's coughing a lot less but he still seems to think that he's owed a boob a lot more now. Cutting him off is so hard. It's so easy to let him nurse, especially early in the morning when we both need sleep but he needs to nurse himself to doze again. I need to start making him lay with me to fall asleep instead of nurse him in the rocker. I also need to get him to sleep through the night but that's a story for another time.

I'm applying for food stamps and the process is making me want to stab someone. There was a print out in the cubicle of the woman who entered my information that said "I ask you questions and enter them into a computer. Then the computer, not I, decides if you receive benefits or not based on your answers." So I know it's not her fault that I have to submit my bank statement with my full name and account number on it, as well as the past thirty days of transactions, and both full pages of my savings account. But damn if I don't hate her for this bullshit. It's practically a full time job just trying to apply for grocery money. And they want me to be looking for a job? Actually, the substitute application is another one of those tedious packets of nonsense for a glorified babysitter. No one needs a college degree to watch over a bunch of thirteen year olds. They need sticks and some duct tape. That is all.

(omg, I kid!) (Anyone who can deal with pre-teens has my undying admiration. I subbed for an 8th grade class and I caught at least one punk trying to look up my dress. No thank you.)

If only I could have stayed in New Mexico and gotten a position at the Freshman school there. They would have let me teach and go back to school within three years, I'm sure of it. Sometimes I still think about going back there but the barren wasteland of Hobbs is a huge deterrent. No Target for over an hour? No nice places to eat, shop, or play? No friends or family? The stink of oil country? I'm not sure a job is worth that yet.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Jacob has bronchitis! Which is good because to treat it we just have to strip down and take steam baths. He's pretty happy for the most part, just needs a dose of two of Tylenol a day. Although last night he seemed to think that his bed was no good enough and he was WIDE AWAKE at 11:30 but fast asleep in my arms until I'd lay him back down. Repeat about four times I was about ready to chuck him in bed and start the cry it out method. Sick kids are trying to the last drop.

It also snowed this weekend which means that not only do I have a sick baby but I have a sick baby who cannot go outside for over two days. There is nothing better than outside to a baby. Except when he falls in snow and gets snow on his hands. Then his life sucks and he wants to go back in.

The other great thing about snow is that my 4-wheel drive on my car is broken along with the HEAT. Which is kind of important, I guess. When it's 19 degrees out and you have a baby with bronchitis. Or when you have irrational fears about getting stranded on the side of the road in a storm. We'd be pretty warm with our light jackets and fingerless gloves for about fifteen minutes. Not to mention that I don't go any farther from my house than 15 miles when it storms so I'm sure we will be safe no matter what. With the exception of the one bridge we drive over to get to Florence. It has me convinced that I need one of those tools to break the window and cut you free from seatbelts in case of an emergency and you can't just push the button. But now that I have Jacob I am terrified of falling into a river with my car and there will be no time to get him out of the car seat. Clearly, I have too much time on my hands.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lighten Up! Or Brighten Up. Either Way!

Enough serious chatter for the moment and enjoy how far I come on my first quilt ever. I am totally in love with it and I want to sew up another one as soon as this one is finished.

That stack of fabric above turned into this:

And after that, it turned into THIS:

Behold, my lovely quilt top.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Look Away! Trainwreck!

This has been a really strange weekend. One minute I feel normal and the next I'm fighting the urge to text CS and ask him if he's watching the really strange Olympic sport I never knew existed (men on skis stopping to shoot at targets) and then I remember I'm not supposed to do that anymore. I've never initiated the break up, merely been the one to watch it fall apart and powerless to stop it. I don't like it much on this side of things either.

I packed on Friday and took my first load of boxes to my mom's while CS slept. He must not have known I had started packing until he got out of bed around 6 PM. He was angry I was leaving and I was angry he had been at the bar the night before with someone who was not me. He denies that he was there with her and while there is evidence against that, I do believe that he wasn't cheating on me physically but he was certainly in the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong person. He did not need to be at the bar for the third time that week when I was at home, putting our son to bed. His life is not so stressful that he needs to get out of the house for a beer that often. Our life is stressful, granted, but buying beer with a credit card is not the way to solve our problems.

He thinks I left because I wanted out and finding him at the bar, next to a woman, is just my excuse and I've spun a story of lies to make it ok for me to go. To be clear, I didn't leave just because I found him at the bar and thought he might be cheating on me. I left for much more than that. I left because we can't communicate anymore and any attempts are through text messaging and a chorus of "whatever" and "nothing." He and I haven't gone to sleep together on a regular basis in over a year. He stays up all night and sleeps all day while I get up and take care of Jacob and try to cobble some sort of normal life out of pennies. I know the economy is hard and his trade isn't in high demand here but that is no excuse for what he's done when he isn't working. I no longer understand his motive and I lacked the energy to pour myself into building him up. I do not understand low self-esteem but I know that I cannot make him have it. I'm sure it's hard not to be able to provide for your family but giving up is not an option.

We've moved into my mom's now and things are somewhat settled. It's so surreal to me to be here. I keep forgetting that this shit really happened and now I have to retrain myself to be alone. There is no one to sit next to in silence as we watch TV. There is no one around when I put jacob to bed at 10 PM. It's quiet and dim and all there is to do is go to bed. I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. Even though I'm choosing this, there is no joy here. I am still broken.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Nothing But A Heartbreak Town

Tonight, after I put Jacob in his Pj's and brushed his teeth and rocked his sturdy body to sleep, I went to the bar.

I went to the bar to find CS.

And I did. Even though he left at 8 PM to go on a fire call. He was there.

Having a beer.

Talking to a woman who I do not know. I didn't ask who she was. Maybe she's no one. Or maybe she's someone he was with last night, when I woke up at 4 AM to let the crying dog out and CS wasn't there. I don't know. It doesn't really matter.

It's over now.

I've glossed over my relationship with him so much in the past because he reads this and I never wanted to air dirty laundry to everyone. But this is for me. So that I can't pretend I didn't walk in to a bar and see the man I agreed to have a baby with, the man I thought I'd marry, have more babies with, grow old with, sitting with another woman and knowing I had no idea what he could have been doing. I should have though. A man who goes to the bar and buys alcohol when he can't put food on the table for his son is clearly not a good man. A man who spends the day in bed, only getting up to go to class followed by the bar is not a good daddy. I do not know the man I've been sleeping next to and that scares me to death.

So I went back to the house, and started to slowly and quietly pack our things. He's not said a word to me and I don't expect him to come back until the early morning hours, if he does at all.

I deserve better than this. Jacob deserves more than this.