Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Today, after dinner, CS ditched me and Jacob in the kitchen with his mom and went to watch TV. I didn't know he left for good, or I would have followed him to avoid this little awkward exchange. CS's mom was doing the dishes and she turned around to ask me if I was upset with her. I said no. She said she wasn't sure because I have been very quiet and I don't stay at their house very much. I told her that I had to be at my mom's to watch my dog because he gets destructive and because I'm more comfortable there. I didn't elaborate. I didn't tell the truth.

If you could peek into my head during the times I am here at CS's house, you would see a lot of anger. I'm also angry in my car, or talking about it, and lots of times in-between. I fantasize about getting CS to agree to get married at City Hall, so we can stay in the same room together. Then get an annulment the day we move out. I think about moving all my things out to my mom's house and staying there. Or just crawling into bed with CS some days. These are the things I think about before I fall asleep. These are my lullabies.

No wonder I have little to say when I'm at his house. When I'm upset about something, I don't usually talk about it. But I've already voiced my opinion on this subject and I was shot down. So I have nothing more to say. But it also created an environment when I do not feel compelled to talk to his mom about anything.

I sleep at his house as night, and in the mornings, I pack my things and my baby up and go to my mom's house. Lots of evenings, I put the baby in his PJ's, nurse him, then drive back and put him in his crib. This is how I keep my sanity in and acceptance of this situation. My relationship with CS's mom may never be what is was before we lived with them. I'm almost 26; I do not need to be judged and controlled like a horny teenager. I miss sleeping with CS, having someone to go to bed with and wake up next to him. So yes, I am still upset.

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