Saturday, April 17, 2010

Darkness Is Only As Long As The Day

The trouble with passion
Isn't that it doesn't last
But that it does.

I stole this quote years ago from a much larger poem I found on a daily poetry website. I feel that it sums up everything I feel about being in a relationship, especially when one ends and you're left feeling empty and full of longing.

I know the road back to normalcy is going to be long and fraught with much doubt and mistrust and confusion. You can't fix two months of chaos with one beautiful week. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear, but we are only human and never do we do things the easy way. I know everyone is wary of this peace we have made. No one wants to see me get hurt. But I believe that great things can happen. I have faith that there is a chance we can move on from this and become those two old people on a porch swing together.

That's not to say that I don't spend a lot of time in a very dark place. On Thursday we took Jacob to the park and I watched CS and Jacob throw rocks into the river while I sat above them and thought about what I have to overcome. I know too much and there is little peace in knowledge. But there would be more anguish in not knowing, at least in my experience. I am morbidly curious, wanting to know what they talked about, what they did, why, why why? Will I ever be free from the images I see when I close my eyes as he kisses me? Will I ever feel peace when I am not with him, knowing that he is waiting for my return as eagerly as I will await his? Spending time with CS this week has been like a return to the life we had before pregnancy. We went to town on Monday afternoon and had Sonic, sitting in his truck, drinking a malt and stealing tator tots while Jacob played with CS's brother and sister. Later, I found on of her cigarettes in his truck. He threw it out and I was reminded on the very first fight we had. It was over me joking that I may have let his boss's wife smoke in the truck when we went on a beer run. I never would have let her but CS didn't think it was funny and we fought. Silly now, but I remember sobbing over it. So in a very raw moment between CS and me, I hated to find evidence of her. I hate watching my fiancee and our son play together at the park, doing what I always thought having a baby with him would entail but being preoccupied with knowledge of what they did in bed, what she likes, what he did. He was mine and I thought that we were each other's last. I have a ring on my finger to prove it. But I also know that I left him and maybe all of this is what he did because of what I did. You don't leave the man you love if you can't stand to lose him. Maybe as much as I wish he hadn't ever touched her, he wishes I had never packed that first box.

I want to feel more at peace as time goes on. I want to start over and make a family. I want to go to bed together, with our baby tucked between us and put my cold feet under his legs. Jacob has started to prefer Dada, even refusing to let me put him to bed the other night. Dada held him and comforted him when Jacob sprayed his face with bleach and they had to flush it out. And I am the one CS calls and texts. I am the one who sits next to him and we watch clips on YouTube of our favorite comedians and shows on Hulu. I'm wearing his ring and he tells me he loves me. Anything can be overcome with love, would you agree?


Dorie said...

I keep re-starting my comment! What I want to say- short and to the point- is that I hope things stay in a good place for you. It's hard to raise a child.A lot of fun, too. So it would be good if the three of you take this journey together.

CallieSam said...

In answer to your question – no. Not for me, anyway. It’s purely a personal choice – what you can overcome and what you can’t – but I could not ever overcome those images and that knowledge of what he did. I want more than anything to raise my son together as a family, but if my fiancĂ©e had done those things, I don’t think I could get past it. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship (to me) and I would not be able to trust him again. But like I said, it’s purely a personal choice. We all do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt, and I hope everything works out beautifully for you and your family.

I hope this doesn’t come across as judgmental because that is truly not how I mean it. Just offering my perspective.

Kendra said...

Your life has taken such a familiar turn, infidelity is a tough one to overcome, but you did not make that choice for him! He chose to do what he did and you should never blame yourself. What was your choice? Continue living in the basement with him sleeping all day and you waiting for him to make a move?