I wrote this a few days ago when I didn't know what I was going to do about CS. I've since confronted him and we have ended the relationship. He denies that everything I read on his phone happened. Instead of letting me read them, he repeatedly threw his phone against the wall until it shattered into pieces. A man who has nothing to hide does not destroy his one saving grace.
This is what I know.
I know that Chris and I are trying to work it out. We have been spending most of the days together and a few nights this weekend. We have been intimate. I am wearing my ring again and he says he wants me to, albeit maybe not as an engagement ring. We are affectionate to each other. He won’t say “I love you” but he wants to hear it. He doesn’t know if he’s in love with me. He’s hurt because I left. He has not moved on, he does not want to be with another woman, he has not slept with her. They are just friends and when they talk via text, it’s been about Chris and I. She’s curious about how it’s going with us. They are just friends. They never slept together. She only kissed him once. He didn’t take her to the Fireman’s Ball. They didn’t have their hands all over each other. She is not a skank.
This is what else I know.
He thinks she has nice tits, cute ass, long legs, pretty face and a great sense of humor. He thinks he might be falling in love with her. His reasons for staying in Florence are: her, class, the fire department, his grandma. They’ve talked about him living with her when he has to move out of the house we lived in. He gets jealous when other men flirt with her at the bar. He was jealous again when he saw a text from the other man she’s talking to on the Thursday morning he claimed to be sleeping at a friend’s house. She’ll put her whole self in a relationship with him. She’s waiting for him to make a decision. He wishes he didn’t have to make such a hard choice.
Here is what I don’t understand.
Why is he lying to me? He doesn’t believe that you can love two people at one time. To me it seems simple. Her or me. A life with a local bar skank for a few months or a hard won life with your family. Is it that hard?
Either he will decide to take the easy way out and start over with her or he will have to struggle to make a family with me. If he chooses her, he will lose me and he will lose Jacob. I will not sit by and watch him degrade himself like this and put Jacob through a string of relationships. I will move. I will leave. And I will take my son with me. I believe he knows this. When I first started dating him, it took us three months to say I love you. I do not believe that he has gone from wanting me to be his wife to in love with another woman in six weeks. I believe that I hurt him deeply by leaving and his defense was to find someone else. He knows if he tells me that he slept with her, that I will probably leave him but I’m not sure if I will.
As of now, it is over. I did not make up what I saw. I even showed his mom when I was looking at the phone. He cannot lie to my face that I am making things up. I am not stupid. My father was a cheater and a manipulator, I am not naive in these things. I do not have to make a relationship work when the other side is cultivating a back up plan. I do not share my lover and I do not compete with another woman. I am amazing. I am the best thing he ever had. I do not deserve what I was given in return.