Friday, September 11, 2009

Life In A Small Town

Tonight, we went to the football game for the old high school I went to freshman year. Granted, the school has a new, shiny building so it's not the exact spot where I once attended games, clad in a jersey of the player I was dating, but still the same name and the blue and gold colors. And it made me want to bemoan my life to one of my friends but I couldn't because I knew she'd just say "you chose it" and I'd have to agree.

When I went with CS to his 10 year reunion at Manhattan's (now Kate's) where I used to work on Wednesday and Saturday (and where I hung out on a nightly basis if we're being honest) the DJ asked me why I was back when I had left with such big plans. Of course, the truth of the matter is that I didn't exactly choose this plan. I mean, I did by choosing to stay with CS and his decision brought us back here. I could have stayed behind in multiple places, everywhere we have gone I want to stay because I get attached. I love being back home, and seeing my mom and my friends here. But I love to leave. After being here too long, I want to go. I've lived here long enough and I'd love nothing more than to pack it all up and go back to Alabama, Arizona, New Mexico, Ohio. Or even somewhere new. I wish we had that option now. But CS's job promises to keep getting better. I wish it would get better faster so we could live on our own and get past this awful stage. But CS can't quit his job because he needs it so we just have to wait for them to follow through on the myriad of promises they have given. It sucks, I hate it. I hate not being able to pay the bills because they won't pay him the amount they told him. But at least he has a job he likes and that he goes to, everyday. Even on a holiday weekend. I hate living where we do and the minute he gets his raise, we are moving to our own house. Where we can all sleep in the same bed together, and the dog can join us. I'm just trying to get through this phase. Hopefully, we move into a phase where things are easier. Where I can get past the fact that I'm living in the same place I have been trying to escape since I was 16. Sometimes, I look at my life and wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to make the same choices. To avoid all the bad things that have happened and make my life easier. Hindsight is a bitch. Part of me has such a hard time with my life because I have spend the last year at home with Jacob. I haven't been making my own money and taking care of myself. I've been relying on CS to do it, and there's a lot of trust in giving over all the things that I was proud of and now it seems like my life is in shambles and I can't put it back together without giving my son up during the day.

I try not to let myself dwell on these things, but after a bad day, sometimes it's hard to forget. But there is always tomorrow, as long as the baby lets me sleep past 6 AM.


Colorado Knitter said...

So... I too once vowed I would never return to where I grew up. Then I met my future husband and ended up moving back here. (I was never going to get married and have kids either) When we got pregs with our son and we decided that it was better for me to stay home with him and I could because my husband made decent $, I went through some tough times. I was a SAHM a Little Susie Homemaker and totally dependent on someone else. Not to mention there was this tiny person totally dependent on me. I was angry, depressed, reclusive, resentful..Then something happened I started to find my niche here. I have made a great group of friends - a lot of them because of my son - and I have started back to working this year doing something that I enjoy (even if it isn't what I went to school for). I know it isn't much consolation to say you aren't alone in this, but you aren't :-)

The Hunter's Prize said...

Thank you! I found your blog on Etsy and while ago and I followed you because you are from Colorado. But it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in my frustrations. It just takes some time to work itself out.