39 Weeks.

The end is looming, ya'll. Oh my goodness. 39 weeks. Whatever happened to 25 and how very far away the end of August was?

No, I still don't want to talk about labor.

So I've been in weekly appointments for the past three weeks. My first check was soft but no dilating. Second check, soft but no dilating and the head was off to the side. Third check, soft and dilated to almost a one and the head was down on my cervix. Sweet, one centimeter down with no contractions. Score points for me! At my 37 week check, my Dr. told me that they would like to put down a date for inducement onto the books at the hospital in case I go over my due date and when I want to be done with pregnancy I can simply waddle down to Labor and Delivery and induce myself into having a baby. She said this wasn't something I had to stick to and I might go into labor on my own and not need it. But the hospital we are going to deliver in has fewer spots for inducement and they fill up quickly. So at 37 weeks, I told her I would think about it and let her know next time. I went home to CS and told him I wouldn't do it.

Then 38 weeks hit, and I am scheduled to be induced on the 2nd of September. Assuming I don't go into labor on my own before that time. Unlikely, considering that I'm only dilated to one and I've had no contractions. Zip. Not to mention the fact that my Doctor, very lovingly, put her hand on my belly and said "I just don't think you're going to have a small baby." SIGN ME UP. Ok, not really. Yes, I could protest that I want it to be all natural. That means a stress test every seventy two hours and I live an hour away from the office. They won't let me go past 41 weeks. Inducing on the 2nd is 40 weeks and 3 days. Or it's one week past 40 weeks if we go with my due date calculated on their little chart. But if we go from the Hobbs ultrasound, it's also my exact due date. How do you know? Do you demand that it's a natural thing? Or do you allow the "hitting the wall" feeling to convince you that you're done. It's been so long and you're just done.

I know part of my wanting to be done stems from all the stress I've had in the past few months. CS leaving his work, having to use Cobra, pinching pennies like you wouldn't believe, feeling trapped because we can't move until the baby comes, CS's job not working the way we need it to, fighting Cobra because they are the new bane of society. Pregnancy hasn't been a happy, glowing experience. I've been worried a lot, mostly about financial things. I can't contribute much since we live in a small town and finding a job to pay me better would be hard. We couldn't move or we'd lose our deposit on everything from the house to the electric and water. Just blow a grand? Maybe in the long run that might have been smarter, who knows? I can't predict the future. I never wanted to bring a baby into the world when I felt so out of control in my own life. So if they are pushing me to induce a little before it would naturally come around, maybe that's ok. Waiting to have the baby is what's holding us back from falling into a black hole of debt. CS can't leave me and I can't go further than one hour from the hospital right now. In a month, we can move. I am sad to leave, I like this little town and I think we could build a life here. But there is no work here. Not for me. Not for CS. And I have too much debt and he loves his truck too much for us to stay and eke out a future. Plus, there's a job in Denver. How nice it would be to go home for a while. Let our families get to know their newest edition. And make sure we don't raise a baby at sea level, because who would want that!