Sunday, March 21, 2010

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

When CS and I first started dating, and I decided to move with him to New Mexico, I told my mom that he would never leave me and he would never cheat on me. I was coming off of a relationship where I was monogamous and he was most likely not, though I never heard or saw anything concrete. CS is convinced that his ex-wife cheated on him throughout their marriage and he's adamant that we would break up if I ever cheated on him. He even told me that it was unacceptable for people in relationships to cultivate friendships with members of the opposite sex. That nothing good could come from a situation where people would be compelled to cheat. To an extent, I agree with him. I think people within a relationship can be friends with others in a relationship, even have bonding between the sexes but mostly in a group setting. However, I do not have any male friends that I speak to on a regular basis. If I call a man, it's with an agenda in mind. I need my computer fixed, I need my car serviced, I want to get a job. I don't visit a bar and see who I can befriend. I don't email old classmates and catch up. My friends are mostly stay at home mom's and we get together with our children. We don't go out and drink. I feel like I have respected the line between aquanitence and friends. I've never been in a situation where I would wonder if CS would feel threatened if he knew what I was doing.

Then I find myself in this ugly place. Walking into a bar and seeing the man whose baby I just rocked to sleep sitting at the bar with a woman. When confronted he tells me that he doesn't know why her name is on his call log, then he admits to calling her but only because she is the only bartender that serves cold beer there. I doubted the validity of this statement at the time but I had nothing to go on. Until now, when I find out that he had emailed her to tell her he wasn't ignoring her, that he'd been unable to get away from the house but that he would see her on Wednesday, for sure.

This was all before I walked into the bar and saw him there with her. My fiancee was emailing a single woman, telling her he hadn't been able to get away (FROM HIS FAMILY) to get together with her. He was making plans to see another woman when by his own admission, that is not acceptable for a man in a relationship.

Last week I got an email reminder that our cell phone bill is ready. I opened it to find over $50 in extra fees. CS has been texting her so much that he went over his limit of 1500 outside texts by over 500. Meanwhile, he's also texting me things that are more like boyfriend/girlfriend than just updates on the baby.

I thought we were working toward fixing our relationship. I thought he was a gentleman. Sure, I know I left and that means I can't dictate who he talks to and what he does. But if he's interested in getting his family back, then talking to another woman is not in his best interest. I feel heartbroken and devastated. Did he not think I wouldn't find out? That I am too stupid to understand? I don't know if he thinks that he's hiding it, but everyone knows. His very polite, easy going dad commented that he didn't know why CS was wasting his time with M, she's just a skank. I'm not sure either, since she's the kind of woman CS has often acted disgusted to be with. He always says he never wanted to be "Just Add Dad."

Friday night he was at the bar and we texted throughout the evening. He was upset again, angry at me for leaving. He wants me to make the first move, prove to him that I want to be with him before he will do anything to fix why I left in the first place. Obviously, I can't do this. He is the only person who thinks that I was wrong to leave. Even his family supports me in this decision. I am not the bad guy. But to him I am the one who ruined our family. I just have to wonder how much a family there was left to ruin, since the man who wanted to marry me was starting to create a friendship with a single woman and leave me at home with our son.

I was wrong all along.


Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Ugh. Been there done THAT. The best part is when they turn it around as if the ball is in YOUR court. Bah.

However, I did not have a child at the time. As such, I cannot very well prance over to here and tell you to dump his ass because your situation is complicated.

I can tell you this: A person's actions are what you have to follow. Not their words. I am sure you know this already. And?? You need someone who will treat you as worthy of respect.

Frankly, you are well on your way to demanding respect. Which is why I keep reading, because I want to see you end up on top of all of this.

I generally don't give "advice". I am cringing at the thought of that. But, I see you on the cusp of making great (albeit difficult) decisions for yourself. I see you on the cusp to great change in your life.

I am SO sorry you are going through this. Truly. I have dated my fair share of guys who did not respect me.

And that is what it comes down to - RESPECT. So, regardless of what you decide to do, respect yourself first and demand that others follow.

Kendra said...

yea what she said respect for ones self and others makes for good relationships...

Belinda said...

I hope you work it out happily. I wanted to tell you that your writing style is powerful and interesting. You should consider writing a book.
Best of luck,Belinda