Saturday, May 16, 2009

One Is The Loneliest Number

I don't really like weekends anymore. Every Saturday and Sunday morning, when Jacob wakes up and gives me his sleepy grin, I think about how there will be no one to bring him to and we can laugh over his crazy bed climbing before getting up and making cappuccinos. There is no one to go for a walk with or make pancakes for me. I thought I was lonely in Colorado. It's worse now.

CS and I are living different lives. He sleeps till afternoon and goes to bed around 3 or 4 AM. I get up with Jacob and I go to bed shortly after he does. I still sleep alone, or with the baby. Everyday should be like a weekend, but there is no joy here. Jacob won't play with CS unless he takes him out of the room and away from me. Otherwise, he crawls over to me. I suspect he would do this to CS's parents as he always shot me looks of "I need you to play with me" whenever his mom took him from me. But now he can crawl so he goes where he pleases. But it doesn't help that CS is not around for most of the day. How can Jacob know him if he's not around? He loved my mom and didn't fight to get away from her. She could put him to sleep for me. But she was gone a lot when we were there. I think he associates her as a parent, and he doesn't see CS as one. It makes sense, my mom and I are very alike in our play with him. It doesn't help that CS had to leave for over two months.

It's hard being here and knowing what I am missing at home. I've looked into playgroups but I'm afraid to take the truck because CS might decide to get up and go look for a job. Our neighbor's are all older, so there aren't kids running around. The library here is so tiny, they don't have story time. Things might feel differently if I had my car here, I suppose. But we can't pay to get that out until we can pay the bills.

I hate knowing my mom is going to go get JBelle when I can't even convince CS to get out of bed and go look at garage sales for fun. I thought I was coming here to get away from the loneliness. I didn't know it was here, waiting for me all along.

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