Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Dark Days

The past few days have had me feeling out of sorts. I suspect it's mostly tiredness, since I stayed out till 4 AM for four days, but there are a few things that contributed to the gloom. It's interesting to me that I can pinpoint my emotions and be somewhat detached from them. I can analyze them, and function on a basic level even while obsessing over them.

We got Jayden on Sunday night and ran a few errands afterwards. (Target!) While in Target, Jayden decided she had to pee and instead of informing us, she peed on the floor in the dairy section. When we went to check out, she said she had to pee again and we took her seriously this time. On our way back from the bathroom, I was carrying her and she had her arms wrapped around my neck and she said "I missed you." What's she going to do when I move to Ohio? What am I going to do with out her? She's my little playmate, I'm never tired of her and I work around children all the time and frequently hate them. I have a song I sing to Hunter and I started singing it to JBelle this weekend. I say "Who is my loave?" and she sings back "I am" or "I am your love." At dinner, her mom's BF started talking about how she says "actually" a lot and in the right context. Mom and I looked at each other and I said "I say that a lot, don't I" and she responded "All the time."

And all of you say, "I know. It's going to be hard. But it will be ok." And it's not. It never will be ok. I will miss out on so much. Here is a little girl who is a part of me. She is my niece. Sure, she's friendly and adorable to strangers and acquaintances. But when she sees me, it's something else. She loves me, and that was no easy trust to forge. She is my love.

So it's hard to accept the fact that I am moving away from her. When I have the option to stay here. That I am giving it up because "it's best for me." That's so fucking selfish. Her father is a complete failure, and I am her family. And I want to move away? It's just frustrating to me. There is no right place for me to go. I'm trapped again.

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