Thursday, November 08, 2007

I Follow, You Go

For all the words I've written down in the past few years, I have said so few of them aloud. For someone who often needs reassurance, I seldom give any. Or, in my eyes, I'm not very free with my emotions. I expect someone to assume that because I do means that...but maybe that's not how we all see. For the most part, with CS, I've needed little encouragement from him about us. But sometimes I wonder if I need to break out of my silent admiration and say to him what I'm thinking about him. I think he deserves that. And not just because he pays half of my bills. Yes, half. The student loan portion, actually. I've got the rest covered, for the most part. I just take his card and go online shopping. Just kidding! Mostly.

Anyways. CS. He is unlike anyone I've ever been attracted to. I, personally, think we are more alike than he does. But I didn't explain to him why I think that, so he disagrees. I think this because, unlike the other people I've been involved with, we grew up in the same place. We have roots in Fremont Co. And while I've been running away from that since I left in 1997, I find some comfort in it now. He commented once that he never thought he'd find someone from his home town. Just like me, he left after high school. Just like me, he's been back a few times but has no intention of moving in down the street from his family. Only those who come from a small town can understand the simultaneous desire to be there and to be far, far away in the same moment. We've outgrown it, but it's still home.

To be honest, I'm quite unsure what to say about CS. He is an extention of me, a part of my being that I cannot fathom how to explain us. There are so many things I don't know about him. But I don't care. What's the rush? I know who he is to me, what he is with me, and how I feel when I'm with him. It's not perfect by any means. But it's honestly real.

What does he do to me? He opens my car door, everytime. On long car rides, I always end up putting my feet on the consule and he grabs them and rubs my feet for miles. He holds my hand when we walk places. He texts me randomly to tell me he's thinking of me. He actually wants to be involved in my life. As in, my life is his life. Our life.

And now that I'm completely smitten with my boyfriend, I'm going to go cuddle with the dirty boy on the couch.

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