Saturday, November 22, 2008


Sometimes, our relationship is so hard. Ovbiously, this is not a novel concept in the history of relationships. It's normal, and probably healthy but it's so damn hard. I can't imagine life without him, especially now that we have this beautiful little boy. Even on the days when I'm so fed up with everything, I start crying when I think about doing it alone. This week was long, I was counting down the days on the day he left. This job is not going to work for us. I can't raise a baby when he's gone for a week every month. I can't have a relationship with someone if we don't have one for a week of the month. Because when he's gone, he's gone. Phone calls are brief, he's to busy to respond to text, time changes, and general lack of conversation is going to ruin us. I moved away from here a year ago to be away from this place. I do not want to raise a baby here. I love being with our families, but that's not what is best for us. It's not best for Jacob. I've been in control of my life for years, ever since I realized how to be my own person. I can be difficult to partner with because I'm strict about money and saving and no more debt. Now my life and my reputation is in his hands, and I don't trust him enough anymore to feel safe there. I'm tired of the power struggle between who's right and who's wrong and waiting for things to be done when I've asked a million times. It's terrible to be in love, and feel alone next to each other in bed. I hate putting the frustration behind me only to have it rear it's head the next day. I carry my share of blame. I don't let things go easily and I get frustrated quickly. I'm not asking for the end, I'm just waiting for a change.

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