Tonight requires a glass of wine. I'd have more, but it'd just mean I need to go to bed so one will do.
Today was actually quite lovely for most of the day. I got up early and went over to finish my jewelry order. I ended up getting everything I wanted except one bracelet! Somehow, I got $180 in free jewelry instead of $150. I had to spend a little to get what I wanted but it's ok! I used my Wells Fargo card as a Goodbye, I'll miss you much present.
After my jewelry orders were placed, I left for a playdate still buzzing from all those sparkly things I will be getting next week. Jacob was kind of a pill because he doesn't know how to SHARE and he was hungry but after feeding him some chicken nuggets and pizza, he took a nap. And fell off the bed. But he was fine! He went back to sleep and took a long nap; where he woke up much happier although still without the ability to share. It was nice to sit and talk to my friend while her little one slept and her older one watched cartoons. We swapped labor stories and talked about vaccines and working. It's nice to have real friends again!
In the evening, we went over to CS's house because his grandma is up for the holiday. Mostly I watched TV in the basement as they are undertaking a huge redecoration/remodel at the moment and 4 people is too many in one small room in my opinion. Plus, I feel huge tension whenever I'm in a room with his mom so I just take myself elsewhere. I offered to make scones for breakfast tomorrow and I was met with absolute silence so I guess that's a no?
I know I need to take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship between his mom and me but we really need to not live in the same house. I am angry, hurt, I miss my boyfriend and our son misses his daddy. I want to get up in the mornings and lay with CS and Jacob and watch cartoons without having to go upstairs to his room. I want to fall asleep next to him and know that he's stiff from sleeping with our baby too. His mom has stolen six months of our lives together and why? Because God told her too? I don't understand.
Now, I'm here at my mom's. Alone. Because CS wants to spend time with his grandma and my baby is sleeping. My family is all over the place this year. Tomorrow, I will wake up with Jacob and we will be alone. No one will be here to greet us. There is nothing here for me to cook or prepare. I didn't offer to prepare anything tomorrow because my recipes are considered unusual and odd at his house and I'm not making something for everyone to avoid.
I don't understand how things have progressed to this point. How I feel so trapped and helpless. Where did I go so wrong? What have I done to deserve this?
I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be thankful, I promise. Here is my reason: