Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks, You.

Thanksgiving is almost over. I am home with an exhausted baby in bed and eating my daily allotment of chocolate before I'm off to climb in with Bugaboo. Today was good, for the most part. Jacob and I spent the morning together, I got to workout and he mostly whined about being tired because he got up too early, again. We went to CS's house and the waiting for dinner began. Luckily, there was lunch since we did not eat until almost 5. Eating late puts a huge damper on going back for leftovers, but I suppose that's a good thing. CS's family has a tradition where they write down five things they are thankful for and read them outloud at dinner. This is a perfectly good idea in theory. But for people like me, it creates something of a panic. I'm not very good at spilling my emotions. I don't make loud professions of things that I love or what I feel grateful for in my life. I am not saying that these things aren't evident to those who know me, but I don't feel comfortable being so brutally honest about the way I feel about things and people. So I get self conscious and write meaningless things on piece of paper and flush when I read it because this makes me uncomfortable.

But here, I can be more honest. There isn't a room full of people that I hardly speak to unless it's a holiday watching me profess the things I am thankful for. You are either strangers or close enough to me that I actually gave this address to you and you follow along with all my other triumphs and mistakes. You see it all.

So here is my list, if I can be perfectly honest and shameless.

I'm thankful for Jacob, he is my whole life now. And the thought of leaving him, even to work, paralyzes me with sadness. I want to spend every day I can with him, be there for every new thing and teach him even more. He is what I've waited for since I was a child myself. I was born to be his mama.

CS. Even when things are bad, he's my partner. We are at a low, low point in our lives and our relationship but I'm trying, we're trying. I am thankful that he has faith in his company and he wants to succeed. I'm thankful he's going back to school to get an education. I know how much he loves his son and that he still loves me. I'm thankful that he still opens my car door for me when we go someplace together, without the baby.

My mom. She has been so generous to me since we moved back. Without her, Jacob wouldn't have diapers and I would be running for my life from Sallie Mae's henchmen. She makes sure I have gas in my car so I am never trapped at CS's house when I don't want to be. She buys me new clothes when I need them and shoes when mine fall apart. My favorite foods are still at her house and she never gets mad when we have to rush out and leave her living room a mess. We hardly go a day without talking, even though we may only see each other a few times a week. I hope that my children have the same relationship with me as I do with her when they are older.

Hunter. I haven't been without a dog since college. I never realized how much I depended on him to make me feel safe. Especially when I don't have CS at night, I hate waking up in a dark room and feeling that annoying fear of not knowing what's out there. Hunter has only once growled in protection of me but I do not doubt that he would be a great defender if I needed him.

And I'm thankful for all the benign things that people always say, a house over my head, food to eat, a place to worship, a car to drive, and quite few luxuries even in my poor financial state. I'm most gratefully that I stay home with Jacob, even though it seems I may not be able to enjoy that much longer. I cherish it.

But I can't say these things to people I do not know very well. I can not look out into a crowded room and bare these parts of me. I am grateful. This is how I show it.

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